Cleveland Browns Celebrate Landmark Victory

Confetti rained down from Cleveland’s hideous looking buildings as the Cleveland Browns celebrated their first victory of the season yesterday in a parade through polluted downtown Cleveland. An estimated 2.4 million unemployed fans packed the four-mile parade route. Fans showed their appreciation by screaming, yelling and holding up signs that said “We’re better than the 2008 Detroit Lions!”

“I can’t believe how many fans came out to celebrate the victory” said Browns Head Coach Eric Mangini. “Too bad we probably won’t win another game for another few years. I probably will be long gone before our next parade but for one day, it was fun to be a Cleveland Brown.”

Cleveland ended their winless season on Sunday, as they defeated an equally pathetic Buffalo Bills team 6-3. The game ball was given to Jamal Lewis who appropriately dropped the ball as it was handed to him in the locker room. The Browns face a tough schedule in the next few weeks: Pittsburgh, Green Bay, Chicago, and Baltimore. However, don’t tell the Browns that. They’ve won a game so they deserve to take a few weeks off before they try to get the #1 pick in the 2010 Draft.

Fan Runs On the Field, Runs a 4.36 40 Yard Dash

When Felix Toledo ran onto the field during game 3 of the Twins-Yankees series, he was fulfilling a life-long dream that he’s always want to do. Little did Toledo know that his life was about to change forever.

Toledo was clocked from Section 104 in left field to Section 136 in Right Field in a blistering 7.05 seconds as he ran away from the overweight Minnesota police department. Minnesota Viking scouts at the game said that his time was equivalent to a 4.36 40-Yard dash. Now scouts from every NFL team are making their way to a Minnesota State prison to see if this bolt of speed was due to the adrenalin of running away from the police and the large amount of alcohol in his system at the time, or if Toledo is just a great talent that was flying under the radar because he was too lazy to join his high school football team.

Toledo is expected to be released from prison in 30-45 days, meaning that he will be a great addition for any team looking to make a push into the postseason. When asked which football players he idolizes, Toledo was quick to name players who have had incidents with law enforcement: Michael Vick, Plaxico Burress, and Donte' Stallworth. For those who need wide receiver help in fantasy leagues, Toledo is expected to be a hot waiver wire pick this week.

Pittsburgh Named a Better Sports City than Idaho Falls, Idaho

Sporting News Magazine has released its annual list of top sports cities in the country with Pittsburgh taking the top spot. However, sports cities around the country have protested the announcement, saying that a playoff system is really the only way to truly name a champion. The full-list of sports cities who are not as good as Pittsburgh can be viewed in the latest edition of Sporting News Magazine or at this link.

“I can only name about 75 cities who even have a sports team” said Geneva Taylor, a geography teacher from Everett, Washington who doesn’t really care about sports but wanted to be interviewed so she can say she’s famous. “For us to be behind normal cities like Normal, Illinois, this is not accurate . There needs to be a playoff system so we really know who has the best sports city in the country.”

Supporters of a playoff system claim that a champion cannot be determined from computer rankings, and a playoff system would not only be exciting but would generate revenue for everyone involved. A 399-team bracket would make 64-team NCAA Basketball pools look miniature. Advocates of a playoff system state that the 399 cities listed give us a tease of what could have been with a massive bracket. A playoff system for 2009 would have pinned #399 Auburn, New York against #1 Pittsburgh in the first round, for example. “Anything can happen in one game” said James Taylor, the only person in Auburn who actually knows what sports is. Depending on how brackets played out, intriguing playoff matchups would have also included:

Troy (#104) vs. Troy (#398.)

Little Rock (#150) vs. Morehead (#173)

Cheney (#206) vs. Clinton (#212)

Detroit/Ann Abor/Ypsilanti (#10) vs. Raleigh/Durham/Chapel Hill (#17) vs. San Jose/Palo Alto/Santa Clara (#24)

Saint Louis (#30) vs. Louisville (#67)

Hershey (#317) vs. Kissimee (#304)

Salt Lake City (#19) vs. Stockton (#149)

Washington (#14) vs. Lincoln (#72)

State College (#48) vs. College Park (#64)

Greenville (#100) vs. Greeneville (#390)