Ten Fearless Predictions for 2010

1. The Phillies will trade staff members, vintage World Series memorabilia from 2008, and the only three prospects they still have left to the Seattle Mariners for Cliff Lee.

2. Tiger Woods will appear on ABC's The Bachelor so he can date 15 girls at once

3. The Detroit Lions will not win the Superbowl on Sunday, February 7th

4. Lebron James will choose to play football at USC instead of taking a contract extension with the Cavaliers because USC offered him more money and cars.

5. You will rip up your bracket by the end of the first day of the NCAA basketball tournament in March

6. Boise State will beat TCU in the Fiesta Bowl, but when their running back scores the game-winning touchdown, he'll get confused and propose to the mascot.

7. George Steinbrenner will fire Joe Girardi in March when the Yankees lose to an inferior team in Spring Training

8. Tim Tebow will either cry when drafted by a bad team early in the NFL draft, or cry when players not as good-looking as him get drafted ahead of him.

9. The Indianapolis Colts will rest their starters in the first half of the Superbowl because the 4th quarter is when the game will be decided anyway, so why risk injury in the first three?

10. Michael Phelps will petition the International Olympic Committee to introduce swimming in a frozen lake as an Olympic sport so he can participate in the Vancouver Olympics.

49ers Clinch Non-Playoff Birth, Vow to Still Play Their Starters...Maybe

Despite clinching 2nd place in the NFC West and being mathematically eliminated from the playoffs, the San Francisco 49ers will play all of their mediocre starters this week against the I-AA NFL team, the Saint Louis Rams. The 49ers could easily rest their starters this week so they don't get hurt in a meaningless game but have decided against it. However, Vernon Davis has a trip to Florida in a month to play in the very important Pro Bowl and may sit out a few series so he can be rested for that game.

"You Play to Win the Game" said a Youtube clip from head coach Mike Singletary's computer during his press conference. The 49ers don't want to lose the small bit of momentum they've built all season, just for it to go to naught in the last game. The team is already preparing for next year's preseason games in August. By resting their starters this week, they would be taking a step back in preparation for those preseason games.

However, the 49ers want their best players to be rested for the preseason games in eight months and could rest some starters in addition to Davis. To add even more controversy, families of the players are pressuring the team to rest their starters so nobody gets hurt. Many players are taking vacations with their families after the final game this week and the last thing they want to do is break their ankle and have to skip the vacation. It's already easy enough for these athletes to cheat on their wives and get any girl they want; it would be even easier when the girls feel pity for them because they have the world's biggest cast on their leg.

Favre Irked About Being Taken Out on Defense

Brett Favre didn't want to come out of yesterday's game in overtime when the Bears got the ball first. With Favre not playing defense, the Vikings allowed 36 points to a Jay Cutler lead offense, including a touchdown pass to unknown Devin Aromashodu. Video that was probably photo-shopped from a camera phone was posted on Youtube showing Favre putting head coach Brad Childress into a head lock when Childress wouldn't let him into the game. He let the media know of his displeasure after the game.

"I'm a hall of fame quarterback who has played in 582,559 games in a row" said Favre in his press conference. "Our defense allowed 36 points. Who cares if we've already clinched a playoff spot? I wanted to be out on the field for every play including special teams so we could win the game."

As an extra incentive for Favre, he knew that this would be an excellent opportunity to break one of the few records he doesn't have: most interceptions by a defender. Favre is only 81 interceptions behind Paul Krause and facing a guy like Cutler, Favre knew he could really make a push for the record before facing Eli Manning in the regular season finale next week.

Bobby Bowden Interested in Coaching Florida Gators Football Team

With Urban Meyer announcing that he is taking a leave of absence, former Florida State Coach Bobby Bowden is interested in being the short term replacement for Meyer in Gainesville. Bobby Bowden understands that he might not have many years left, so he is offering his services for a few years until Meyer improves his health and is ready to come back.

"I have an excellent resume and feel like I am the most qualified person to get this job temporarily" said Bowden from a Florida Bingo Hall. "I have won two national titles, twelve conference championships, and am the oldest coach ever at Florida State to be forced to resign. If there's someone that has a more impressive resume than me, please let me know who they are."

Having faced the Gators as the head coach at Florida State, Bowden understands the rivalry. With his familiarity of the Seminoles, he would have insider knowledge when the two teams face each other next year. Nothing would please Bowden more than to beat his old team.

Fantasy Football Advice From a Normal Guy, Playoff Edition (Week 16)

Start:

Jay Cutler---Despite clinching 3rd place in the NFC North, the Bears plan on still starting their starters. Go ahead and use Cutler if he's your top quarterback.

Brett Favre---Favre came back to the Vikings to win a championship. Since this is the championship week in most fantasy leagues, he'll be motivated to go out on top.

Sit:

Jets Defense---If the Colts are really thinking of sitting Manning in favor of this Curtis Painter guy, he must be really good.

Terrell Owens---You know how the Bills always lose in the Superbowl. It's no different in the Fantasy Football Superbowl. Sit Terrell, unless you want to come in second.

Pray:

It's the Championship Week. Congratulations on making it this far! Pray that your players catch balls with their heads, your opponent has a Leon Lett moment, and that Janet Jackson's right boob doesn't pop out during halftime of Superbowl Sunday in between the 1pm and 4pm games.

College Bowl Mascot Matchups, December 26-30

Little Caesars Bowl: Thundering Herd (Marshall) vs. Bobcats (Ohio)
One of the most intimidating mascots of the bowl season, nobody wants to face a herd of animals, let alone a thundering herd of animals. Not exactly sure which animals the herd consists of, but that just creates more fear in the opponents because of the unpredictability. Bobcats are animals that hang out in the woods and hunt all sorts of creatures. While a bobcat would certainly win most matchups, it has no chance against a thundering herd of unknown animals.

Meineke Car Care Bowl: Panthers (Pitt) vs. Tar Heels (North Carolina)
Are you intimidated by the heel of a foot? Even if it’s tar, who cares. The Panthers get a dream matchup with this one. They'll win huge.

Emerald Bowl : Eagles (Boston College) vs. Trojans (USC)
Eagles can fly but aren’t necessarily strong nor big. Meanwhile, the Trojans of Troy have been around for thousands of years, have had movies made about them, and are tough warriors that know how to win a war. We’ll take the toughness over the ability to fly in this one. Fight on!

AdvoCare V100 Independence Bowl: Aggies (Texas A&M) vs. Bulldogs (Georgia)
After much research, we’re still not sure what exactly an Aggie is. Apparently, it’s the spirit of Texas A&M. Bulldogs are small, but tough to get the ball away from. Ever throw a tennis ball to one of them and not be able to get it back? We’ll take the dog over a spirit.

EagleBank Bowl: Bruins (UCLA) vs. Owls (Temple)
A bruin is a bear. Nobody wants to go up against a bear. Meanwhile, owls like to sleep during the night and hunt at night. Unfortunately for them, this game will be played in the afternoon. For that reason, the Bruins are going to win going away.

Champs Sports Bowl: Hurricanes (Miami) vs. Badgers (Wisconsin)
Hurricanes are so powerful, they can flood cities, blow away houses and cause fatal injuries. Badgers, according to wikipedia, are short-legged, heavy-set carnivores in the weasel family. John McCain has a better chance to beat Obama in the election at this point, than a Badgers do of surviving a hurricane, let alone beating one.


Roady’s Humanitarian Bowl: Falcons (Bowling Green) vs. Vandals (Idaho)
Falcons are quick birds who can change direction rapidly. Meanwhile, Vandals are people who vandalize and steal other people’s things. We’ll take the Falcons, just because we’d rather root for the good guys to win.


Pacific Life Holiday Bowl: Wildcats (Arizona) vs. Cornhuskers (Nebraska)
What a wild matchup this is…literally. Wildcats are ferocious and smart. They know when to attack and when to be conservative. Meanwhile, cornhuskers don't appear to be the toughest, most athletic people in the world. We’ll take the Wildcats in a strange matchup.

Christmas Songs Sung by Your Favorite Teams

Jesper Parnevik: I Saw Tiger Kissing Santa Claus
Washington Redskins: Jim Zorn's Coaching Career Roasting On An Open Fire
Penn State Football: Really Old Saint Paternolas
Notre Dame Football: I'll Be Home for Christmas
New Jersey Nets: All We Want for Christmas is a #1 Pick
Detroit Lions: Offensive Line Got Run Over by a Reindeer
Duke Basketball: Silent Night...(whoosh)
USC Football: Here Comes Santa Claus...oh wait, it's just another agent giving us a car

Things that Athletes Are Asking Santa Claus For

Kevin Youkilis: Nothing. He's Jewish.
Tim Donaghy: An application to become an MLB Umpire
Doug Mientkiewicz and Mike Krzyzewski: A new name so people can spell it correctly
Charlie Weis: A Bic Mac from McDonalds
Washington Redskins: A New Team
Usain Bolt: 3 new friends so Jamaica can have another bobsled team
Saint Louis Rams: A Detroit Lions win so they can get the #1 pick in the NFL Draft
New York Yankees: A World Series Ring. They haven't won one in two months
The Big 10 Conference: Football
Brett Favre: Someone to write his next retirement speech so he has something new to say this time around
Derek Jeter: Kate Hudson

Redskins Try “Swinging Gate” Fake Kickoff, Fails Miserably Of Course

If at first you don’t succeed, try try again. Shortly after the botched fake field goal attempt against the Giants on Monday night to end the first half, Jim Zorn decided to start the second half with a fake kickoff. He shifted all of his players to the left to what looked like an onside kick formation. Unfortunately for the Redskins, the kicker also shifted and they had nobody to kick the ball. The Redskins were eventually called for a delay of game.

“It was a good play call, we just didn’t execute it properly” said Redskins Intern Jim Zorn. “The play was unique enough that I thought it would force the Giants to waste a valuable 2nd half timeout in a complete blowout, but they smelled it out quickly and played great defense.”

Jim Zorn has been fined $5,000 by the NFL for the play, due to being a complete idiot. Zorn is planning to send a check to the commissioner, although there are rumors that he will fake sending it in and just call up to give his credit card number once the NFL figures out his great strategy.

Mark Mangino Disappointed Not to Be Playing in Food-Sponsored Bowl Game

It’s been a few weeks since Mark Mangino resigned from his position as head coach of the Kansas Jayhawks, but it’s not until now that the effects are affecting him. Mangino always looked forward to seeing what bowl game the Jayhawks would be playing in, hoping it was sponsored by a food-product that would be giving out free samples. Many of the 196 bowl games this season are sponsored by food products: The Tostitos Fiesta Bowl, the Chick-Fil-A Bowl, the Papajohns.com Bowl, and the Orange Bowl.

“I was never a big fan of the Orange Bowl” said Mangino while dining at a local KFC establishment. “First of all, our team was never good enough to make such a prestigious bowl game and second, oranges are way to healthy for my diet. The Papajohns.com Bowl was always my favorite because I love greasy pizza.” Mangino commented that when he first started coaching, he thought the food would come in a bowl like the name said.

Mangino is spending his holidays looking for a head coaching or assistant coaching job. He is scheduled to interview with the Louisiana-Lafayette Ragin Cajuns because he likes Cajun food. Nebraska is also a possibility because he’s a fan of corn. Since he’s not a fan of oranges, Mangino is not interested in working for the Syracuse Orange.

Joshua Cribbs' Kickoff Returns Limit Browns Time of Possession

The Cleveland Browns are struggling in the time of possession category this season, and Joshua Cribbs' two kickoff returns yesterday didn't help. The Browns had the ball for a combined 29 seconds in the two runbacks.

Cribbs is looking for a new contract this offseason and his lack of respect towards the team holding onto the ball for an extended period of time will certainly be considered during negotiations. Cribbs has been known in his career for returning kickoffs and punts for touchdowns, limiting the time of possession for the Browns.

To improve the stat, the Cleveland Browns plan to knee the ball on every possession next week, avoiding incomplete passes that stop the clock and limit their time on offense. Brady Quinn's rush yardage is expected to take a major hit but Quinn is a team player and will do whatever plays are called for him. However, the Browns will only get this opportunity if Cribbs doesn't return punts and kickoffs for touchdowns.

Fantasy Football Advice From a Normal Guy, Week 15

Start:

Chad Ochocinco---Chad plans on wearing Chris Henry's jersey so not only will he be getting fantasy points for himself, but he'll be getting 'em for Henry as well. Two for the price of one. Start Ochocinco

Tony Romo---With Romo now being the placeholder, he will get points on all fake field goal attempts.

Sit:

Tim Tebow---Even though everybody is talking about him on the Jacksonville Jaguars, he's still not on their official roster. Sit Tebow.

Peyton Manning---With the Saints losing, Manning will feel the pressure of being the only undefeated team in the league. He probably won't be able to handle it.

Pray:

Pray that your players are from the North. You know how those southerners are when there's an inch of snow, let alone 2 feet

College Bowl Mascot Matchups, December 19-25

New Mexico Bowl: Cowboys (Wyoming) vs. Bulldogs (Fresno State)
Cowboys are used to dealing with animals. They tend to overpower these animals. Meanwhile, bulldogs are small, especially compared to the animals cowboys normally deal with. Remember when Zach Morris in Saved by the Bell stole the bulldog from Valley? If Zach Morris can handle a bulldog, then cowboys certainly can too. Take Wyoming in the upset.

St. Petersburg Bowl presented by Beef O'Brady's: Knights (Central Florida) vs. Scarlet Knights (Rutgers)
This one was tough. We had to do some research to see exactly what the difference is between a Knight and a Scarlet Night. Rutgers is the scarlet knights because their team wore scarlet turbans in their first game in 1869. Meanwhile, UCF became the Knights in 2007. Since Rutgers has more experience being Knightly, we think the experience will pay off. We'll take the Scarlet Knights over the Knights in a close family-battle.

R+L Carriers New Orleans Bowl: Golden Eagles (Southern Miss) vs. Blue Raiders (Middle Tennessee)
According to wikipedia, golden eagles can fly up 150 mph. Anytime you can fly, that's a huge advantage. None of us have really seen a blue raider before, so we'll take the speedy animal in a blowout.

MAACO Las Vegas Bowl: Beavers (Oregon State) vs. Cougars (BYU)
Sexual jokes aside, this is one of the best matchups of the first week of the very long bowl season this year. Beavers are very defensive, having the ability to create dams to hide. However, they are quite slow. The cougars will have the size and speed advantage in this matchup. The Cougars offense vs. the Beavers defense will decide the winner. We'll take the Cougs but it can go either way.

San Diego County Credit Union Poinsettia Bowl: Utes (Utah) vs. Bears (California)
A Ute is a member of an Indian Tribe that habits the Utah area. Meanwhile, a bear is one of the most feared animals around. They are so feared, people are told to act dead around them so they don't attack. The Native Americans have bow and arrows but we don't think they do much hunting in Utah. We think the intimidation factor of the bears will win it for them

Sheraton Hawaii Bowl: Wolf Pack (Nevada) vs. Mustangs (SMU)
The fact that it's a Wolf Pack and not just one wolf is critical in this matchup. Anytime you can have support behind you, it's tough for the competitor to take on the whole. A mustang is a horse. Horses are big animals, but not necessarily known for their toughtness. We'll take quantity over quality in this one. The Wolf Pack will win.

Colts Punter Pat McAfee Says Peyton is a Ball Hog

Pat McAfee's three punt attempts last night seemed to be the last straw for the rookie punter. Only touching the ball three times all game, Hunter was angry that he had to travel all the way to Jacksonville just for that.

"Peyton gets to touch the ball when we run the ball, when we pass the ball, or even when there's a bad snap and he has to jump on it" said McAfee to himself because none of the postgame reporters wanted to to speak to him. "If Peyton was a punter, there would be no way he gets the publicity he gets now as a quarterback."

Manning didn't seem to mind the comments. He said that if he can play a perfect game next week against the New York Jets, McAfee won't even see the playing field, let alone touching the ball. For those playing fantasy football, McAfee should not be starting on your team.

Phillies Cancel Minor League Affiliates Due to Lack of Players

With the Phillies trading half their prospects for Cliff Lee and trading the other half of the farm system with Cliff Lee to Seattle and Toronto to get Roy Halladay, they have ran out of players to field teams next year. Rather than rushing low-level players to field one team at the AAA level, the Phillies will play intersquad games to keep the players healthy and active.

However, the Phillies will not invite scouts to view the intersquad scrimmages so other teams will have a hard time judging the talent of the Phillie prospects when they want to dump overpaid veterans to the Phillies to clear salary space. The Phillies hope to sign lots of Dominicans next year so they can once again play minor league baseball in 2011.

Saint Louis Rams Demoted to I-AA NFL

After an embarrassing 47-7 loss to the Tennessee Titans this past weekend, the Saint Louis Rams are demoting their football program down to the I-AA level. By moving down a level, the Rams will be able to compete against teams that match their talent level: The 2008 Detroit Lions, the 1976 Tampa Bay Buccaneers, and just about every Oakland Raiders team of the past five years.

“There is absolutely no way we can compete against the top NFL teams because they actually have NFL talent” said an anonymous Rams Representative who didn't want his name public that he worked for the Rams. “By participating in a lower level of football, our salaries will be lower which inturn, will allow us to only charge our fans $4.75 for a hot dog instead of $5.00. It's a win-win situation for everyone involved.”

Tiger Woods Adds New Sponsors: Viagra, Trojan Condoms, and the National Polygamist Association

Despite losing some sponsors who believe that people shouldn't cheat on their Swedish bikini model ex-babysitter wives, Tiger Woods has added new companies to sponsor him: Viagra, Trojan Condoms and the National Polygamist Association. Each company plans to use Tiger in their new marketing campaigns.

One of the risks of advertising tied to a celebrity is that their image can change overnight. However, these companies believe that Tiger has proven to the world that he is a sex addict, and will be known as one for the immediate future. Viagra plans to use Tiger in its commercials, showing that people who use Viagra will get to have sex with reality stars, cocktail waitresses, and porn stars.

Trojan Condoms are proud of their new partnership with Tiger. "We support Tiger and his healthy lifestyle." said a Trojan representative. "If there are still girls who have yet to come out, we would like you to tell the world what condom brand you used when you banged Tiger, especially if it was a Trojan."

The National Polygamy Association is also encouraging girls to come out, even if it's a complete lie. They believe that if Tiger Woods is promoting polygamy, other people will follow in his foot-steps and the membership in their organization will increase. Tiger Woods jokes are really popular on Google right now, and the association is looking to brand itself with these funny jokes.

PGA Tour to Take an Indefinite Leave of Absence

Just like Tiger did last week, the PGA Tour will be taking an indefinite leave of absence as they try to find the next superstar golfer. Here is the statement released on their web site:

"We are deeply aware of the disappointment and hurt that Tiger Woods' leave of absense has caused to so many people, including our sponsors and television networks. We assume that you have heard that he will not be playing professional golf in the immediate future. During this time when you would have never heard of any of the golfers at the top of our leaderboards, we ask that you pray that we find another young good-looking smart golfer who will be able to carry our profession for years to come, or at least until Tiger divorces from Elin and comes back.

After much soul searching and a look at how bad our ratings were last year when Tiger was injured, we have decided to take an indefinite break from having golf tournaments. We need to focus our attention on finding the next superstar of golf, so we can get better ratings than ice skating, the NHL, and tennis. Thank you for your understanding and Tiger, please come back soon. We beg of you!"

The PGA Tour did not give an indication on when they might attempt a comeback, although there is a 12 year old golf prodigy in Arizona who is impressive in his youtube videos. Cocktail waitresses and reality wannabes are already sending him their phone numbers.

Fantasy Football Advice From a Normal Guy, Playoff Edition (Week 14)

Start:

Tom Brady: First impressions are everything. With Brady’s second kid being born a few days ago, Brady doesn’t want his son to think he’s a mediocre quarterback. Expect Brady to have a nice game.

Terrell Owens: This will likely be the only time Owens will get to play in the playoffs as a Buffalo Bill. Owens will want to put up big fantasy points.

Sit:

Tony Romo: Romo has never won a playoff game in his career. Now that the fantasy football playoffs are here, it’s time to sit him so you have a chance of winning.

Ben Roethlisberger: Big Ben played on Thursday and was terrible against Cleveland. If it’s not too late, sit Ben this week.

Pray:

Pray that your team doesn’t get nervous in the playoffs. Each fantasy week from now on is extremely important. One loss and all that studying of preseason magazines during work hours gearing up for the draft was a waste

Report: HS Cheerleaders Dating Golfers, Not Football Players

There's a whole new meaning to getting it in the hole. According to a report by IHadAnAffairWithTigerWoods.com, slutty high school cheerleaders are dating golfers more than the typical football jocks. Good looking golfers like Tiger Woods and Phil Mickelson overshadow fat overweight alcoholics like John Daly, and are making the golf team the talk of the cheerleading squads all across the country.

"I would like to thank Tiger Woods for making me cool" said a 105 skinny nerdy golfer from Smith High School who has a 4.0 GPA. "I am going to prom with the captain of the cheerleading squad."

Dating experts say that golfers are good catches for girls. A 69 is always good for a golfer, but they don't limit themselves and know they could do better. It might take them a few shots but they eventually get it in the hole. Plus, their balls are always clean. What more can the blonde cheerleading captain ask for?

Steelers Making it Difficult for Teams to Get #1 Pick in the NFL Draft

Nothing in the NFL is easy, especially trying to get the #1 pick in the draft. With losses to the Kansas City Chiefs, Oakland Raiders, and the Cleveland Browns, the Pittsburgh Steelers are killing the dreams of losing teams to get the #1 pick in the upcoming NFL Draft. Teams are doing their best to have the worst record in the league so they can get Ndamukong Suh, but the Steelers are making their lives difficult.

Meanwhile, teams like the Tampa Bay Buccaneers and Saint Louis Rams are happy the Steelers aren't on their schedule. With losses by the Steelers to the Chiefs, Raiders, and Browns, the Rams and Bucs are the leading contenders to get the #1 pick in the draft. The two teams have a combined 2 wins, one less than the Chiefs, Raiders and Browns combined against the Steelers alone.

Oakland Raiders Reach 75th Straight Game Without Being Upset

By beating a Pittsburgh team that was favored to win anyway, the Oakland Raiders reached their 75th straight game without being upset. The streak is expected to continue this week as the Raiders are underdogs to the Washington Redskins and thus, cannot be upset.

"We are excited that we haven't lost to a team worse than us in 75 games" said Oakland Raiders Bossman Al Davis. "If we continue to beat the teams we're supposed to beat and lose to the teams we're supposed to lose to, we'll be in good shape to get top 5 draft picks for years to come."

The streak started five years ago. Last season, the Raiders were just 5-11 but won every game they were favored in (which was none.) This year, they are 3-8 but they've been the underdog in all 8 losses. The streak is most likely to extend to next season, as they Raiders will be the underdog in each game so they cannot be upset.

Random I-AA Coach Says He's Not Interested in Notre Dame Job

Monmouth Head Football Coach Kevin Callahan has posted on his web site that he is not interested in coaching at Notre Dame. Callahan has done a mediocre job at a mediocre Monmouth program, and doesn't want to risk everything that he's worked for, just for a job like Notre Dame. While it doesn't seem like anybody is interested in the Notre Dame job these days, the Fighting Irish are still holding out hope that they can hire someone that the rich boosters will approve of.

"We're going to continue to try to find a coach that has some name recognition" said Notre Dame spokesman Brian Hardin. "We're running out of people to request an interview out of, so if you can think of anybody, please start a Facebook group so we can find out about it."

Callahan has coached at the New Jersey school for 17 years without ever being promoted to a better football program than Monmouth. Callahan denied interest in a statement released this morning.

"I haven't even been contacted by Notre Dame because they probably have never heard of me, but just in case I receive a call, I want it to be known that I'm not interested. I appreciate the overrated talent that will be returning for the Fighting Irish and their underachieving results of the past decade. However, I am more than happy to stay with the mediocrity I already have here at Monmouth. I work with a wonderful sales staff that does a great job selling tickets, I live right next to a gas station with a store that's open 24 hours a day, and I'm just a quick drive away from watching quality Big East football at Rutgers. I plan on staying here a long time, or eventually taking a job with a better football program and higher pay than Monmouth."

Colts and Saints Angry the NFL Doesn't Have the BCS System

Undefeated 12-0 New Orleans Saints and Indianapolis Colts are disappointed that the NFL hasn't adopted the unpopular BCS system from college football. The Saints and Colts are the unanimous #1 and #2 teams in every power ranking released by sports web sites this week. If the NFL instituted the BCS, these two teams would play in the Superbowl, while the other teams would play in meaningless bowl games such as the Pro Bowl.

With the NFL having a playoff system instead of the BCS, the Colts and Saints will have to win two games each in order to just make it to the Superbowl. Teams ranked lower in the Power Rankings such as the San Diego Chargers and Arizona Cardinals will have a chance to play the Colts and Saints in the playoffs, having to only beat them once to advance.

If a low ranked team should defeat the Saints or Colts, there will be a lot of controversy with the final power rankings. If the Cardinals should beat the Colts in the Superbowl, who should be ranked higher in the final power rankings? Is an Arizona Cardinals team better than an 18-1 Colts team? According to the Saints and Colts, the controversy could be avoided if the NFL listened to their college counterparts.

ESPN to Stop Following Tiger Woods Drama Because Golf is Not a Sport

Entertainment Sports Programming Network has agreed to stop following the Tiger Woods saga, coming to the conclusion that golf is not a sport and thus, should not be talked about on the worldwide leader in sports. Stations who follow celebrities who are not athletes such as E! will continue to follow this drama-filled story.

"We will live up to our name and follow sports-related stories only" said ESPN Booyah-Master Stuart Scott. "For that reason, we will show poker, fly fishing on Saturday mornings, and figure skating."

Despite the revelation, ESPN will continue to follow golf when athletes participate it in. If Michael Jordan golfs against Charles Barkley, ESPN will follow it. Until then, golf fans will have to turn to E! to keep updated on this developing story.

Fantasy Football Advice From a Normal Guy, Week 13

The Normal Guy is too busy trying to get Dr. Pepper to donate $123,000 to his college funds for throwing a football into a giant inflated Dr. Pepper can. Come back next week to get his normal advice. In the meantime, go to espn.com to get advice from so-called normal guys who call themselves fantasy experts.

Fantasy Football Teams Resting Star Players for Playoffs

Fantasy teams across the country are resting their star players in preparation for the fantasy football playoffs, according to ESPN Fantasy Sports Start/Sit percentages. Teams who have guaranteed playoff spots in their leagues are sitting star players such as Peyton Manning and Drew Brees. Most leagues start their playoffs next week.

Resting star players in meaningless fantasy weeks not only give their player's rest, but it prevents other fantasy teams from preparing for them. Teams have learned from previous years where they may have started their star player every week during the regular season, and then lost in the first round of the playoffs.

However, not all teams are resting their best players. Some teams have won five or six straight weeks, and don't want to enter the playoffs on a loss, even if it doesn't mean anything in terms of seeding. Momentum is very important in sports. Of course, there are also those teams who are in the middle of a playoff race, or would like to get a higher seed, and will most definitely start their star players this week.

Tiger Sorry for Transgressions: Hit with a Titleist Club, Not a Nike

Tiger "Cheeta" Woods has admitted infidelity by having a Titleist Club in his house instead of a Nike. According to police reports, the scratch marks on his face were not consistent with marks from a Nike Club. Instead, the marks are of those from a Titlest Golf Club. which wife Elin used to beat him up. A former caddie for Tiger says that he has used Titlest Clubs in the past. Rumors from unreliable sources said the caddie was paid up to $100,000 for these comments that most people would have made for $10. According to US Weekly, there are over 300 photos of Woods with Titleist golf clubs. There is also a 15 second cell phone video of him not using a Nike club.

The rumors came to light when Tiger was injured in a car wreck last week. However, reports indicated that he got into a fight with his wife and was hit in the face with a golf club. Until now, the media assumed the golf club was a Nike, a brand Tiger has been associated with ever since he became a media darling in the mid 1990's. Nike has since confronted Tiger about the rumors.

Tiger says that he is extremely embarrassed that he has Titleist Clubs in the house and that he's only human and makes dumb mistakes. According to people close to Tiger, he is humiliated to own the same golf equipment as mediocre golfers such as Mark O'Meara, Brad Faxon, and Billy Mayfair. Having Titleist clubs caused Tiger to drive into a tree, where his Nike Clubs usually drive to the fairway.

Tiger Woods Named Playah of the Year

Tiger Woods has been named by Sporting News Magazine and US Weekly as the Playah of the Year, becoming the first golfer ever to win this prestigious award. The award in years past have gone to douches including actors, basketball players, and politicians. He joins elite company such as Bill Clinton, Kobe Bryant, and Eliot Spitzer. Woods will add this Playah of the Year trophy to his Player of the Year trophies from the PGA Tour.

Woods had a strong year when it came to being a playah. He was married to blonde bombshell Elin Nordegren. Apparently, that wasn't enough for the guy nicknamed Tiger. He had an extended affair with Jaimee Grubbs who he met in Las Vegas. To top it off and break away from the competition, Rachel Uchitel also accused him of having an affair. What a playah!

Sarah McLaughlin Does Sappy Commercial for Carolina Hurricanes

With the Carolina Hurricanes struggling in their first 26 games, Sarah McLaughlin has agreed to do a sappy commercial on behalf of the underfunded Carolina Hurricanes. The Hurricane are currently in last place, only winning 5 games out of the 26. Here is a transcript of the commercial:

"Every few days in Raleigh, North Carolina or another NHL city, the Carolina Hurricanes disappoint their fans with lousy shots, bad decisions, and bad penalties. Last year, they had 45 wins. This year, only five.

Hi, I'm Sarah McLaughlin. I don't follow hockey, in fact I've never even heard of the Carolina Hurricanes. But when my agent came to me with a 5 figure sum in order to appear in a commercial for them, I agreed. Please donate money that you don't have to the Hurricanes. Right now, there are NHL players who have worked their entire life to get to this point and are stuck with the Hurricanes. Tickets to watch your team lose are on sale right now. Please donate to this worthwhile cause."

White House Crashers Crash New York Knicks Game

Michaele and Tareq Salahi, also known as the White House Party crashers, crashed the New York Knicks game on Sunday but nobody really noticed. According to reports, the couple took a secret entrance past security and walked right into the arena. They went straight to midcourt, sat close to the action, but nobody cared. Since they were pretty much the only people at the game, it didn't really matter where they sat.

The Salahis canceled an in-game interview on the local Knicks broadcast when they realized nobody would be watching the game to see it. Mr. Salahi came dressed up for the game in a tux and bow tie, while Mrs. Salahi came in a red dress. The Knicks confirmed that the Salahi's did not purchase tickets through them, although it is not known if they bought tickets through a third-party site like StubHub, Ebay, or Knick fans outside Madison Square Garden desperate to get rid of their tickets so they wouldn't need to see another Knicks loss.

New Jersey Nets Finish in the Top Two to Extend Streak to 17 Games

With a runner-up finish against the Los Angeles Lakers yesterday, the New Jersey Nets extended their streak to 17 games where they've have finished in the top 2. The streak began with the season opener, as the Nets have not come in less than second place in any game they've played in.

"We'd of course like to come in first" said former Nets coach Lawrence Frank who was fired shortly before yesterday's game. "However, if we can consistently come in second place, we know we're very close to where we have to be."

The record for top two regular season finishes is 82 games. The Nets are only 65 games away from tying this inevitable record. The Nets next face the Dallas Mavericks, as they will try to either come in first or second in that game. A betting line in Vegas for the Nets to come in first in that game will be set shortly, however a line for them to come in the top two probably won't be set based on past game tendencies.

Fantasy Football Advice From a Normal Guy, Week 12

Start:

Baltimore Defense: The Steelers are starting Dennis Dixon. If your intramural football team was facing Dixon, we'd recommend starting your defense as well.

Tom Brady: The last time the Patriots faced an undefeated team, they went for it on 4th and 2 for no reason whatsoever. Since they're facing another undefeated team this week, the Patriots will likely go for it on every 4th down possible, giving Brady some extra pass attempts. Start him.

Sit:

Anybody on the Texans: Coach Gary Kubiak obviously doesn't play fantasy football because he refuses to name a starter at the runningback position. Stay away from Texans, as Kubiak might actually try to win the game rather than giving his star players impressive stat lines.

Tony Romo: The Cowboys played on Thursday. He won't be playing today.

Pray:

Pray that your fantasy star didn't eat too much turkey on Thanksgiving and don't have a stomach ache for today's games.

Allen Iverson Practicing His Retirement Speech

"If I'm retiring, I'm retiring. It's as simple as that. It ain't about that at all though. It's about my career. It's about all of the wins. It's about the amount of time I spent practicing for those wins. I played in a lot of games. I played in a lot of practices. We're sitting here, and I've been the franchise player, and we're talking about retiring. I mean listen, we're sitting here talking about retiring, not my career, not the wins, not my career, but we're talking about me retiring. Not all the games that I played and died for, but we're talking about me retiring. How silly is that?

Now I know that I'm supposed to lead by example, but I'm not encouraging everyone to retire like me. I know that you have to do it eventually, but don't retire until you need to. Let's talk about my career, not my retirement. We're talking about retiring man. We're talking about retiring man. We're not talking about my career. We're about retiring man.

How in the hell can I make my teammates better by retiring?"

New Jersey Nets Announce Childhood Obesity Awareness Day

The New Jersey Nets are proud to announce that Childhood Obesity Awareness Day will be on December 23rd, as they take on the Minnesota Timberwolves. Both teams consist of slow overweight players who were probably obese as children.

"Obesity is a beautiful thing for children" said New Jersey Director of Obesity, Jim "Feed Me" McPhee. "When children are obese, it means that they are eating well, they are growing at a healthy rate, and they can get a scholarship to play football in college"

Hot dogs will be given away to all children who come to the game, with leftover dogs given out as the children leave the arena. Popcorn will be thrown into the crowd instead of t-shirts and there will be a buy one get four free when it comes to soft drinks. The New Jersey Nets hope that Childhood Obesity Awareness Day will get children who care more about food than basketball to come out and support the Nets in one of the worst games of the year.

Charlie Weis's Approval Rating Dips Below 110%

Public approval of Charlie Weis's approval rating has plummeted from his record high rating of 110% when he was initially hired and said his Notre Dame teams were going to give it 110% on every play, a USA Today/Gallup Poll finds. Despite a recognizable name, there is rising pessimism that Notre Dame's 6-5 record isn't going to get them into the national championship game this year.

Notre Dame fans are divided with many disappointed about the team's accomplishments, while others are disappointed that Weis hasn't turned into a muscular good-looking hunk on the sidelines. By more than 4-1, Notre Dame fans say Notre Dame should try to win football games. Meanwhile, more than 95% of Notre Dame fans say that the team should try to score more points than the other teams.

The poll of 12 adults, taken by people who joined a Facebook group started by the person who created this poll, has a margin of error of +/- a lot of percentage points.

Detroit Lions Don't Celebrate Thanksgiving for Obvious Reasons

Detroit Lions Don't Celebrate Thanksgiving for Obvious Reasons

The Detroit Lions have been playing on Thanksgiving for decades, and the reason for this has finally surfaced: The Lions don't celebrate Thanksgiving because they have nothing to be thankful for. One of the few teams to never play in the superbowl, the Lions celebrate other holiday such as Martin Luther Day King, Valentines Day, and July 4th. The Lions always observe these holidays and never play a game on these days.

The Detroit Lions will be facing the Green Bay packers this Thursday. Tickets will only be one dollar, ironic because you can get 4 quarters out of the dollars, but not the Lions. With so many people traveling hundreds of miles to visit their families this holiday season, the Lions are just hoping to go 10 yards.

Other sports teams and athletes that have nothing to be thankful for this year include:

1. The 1994 World Series Champion
2. Fantasy owners facing Brady Quinn last week
3. The New Jersey Nets

Steelers and Bengals Donate a Win to Underprivileged Teams

In the spirit of the holiday season, the Steelers and Bengals donated a win to the underprivileged Kansas City Chiefs and Oakland Raiders on Sunday. The ceremony happened in front of thousands of fans, and was showcased on Sportscenter and newspaper sports sections across the country.

"The Chiefs don't have much to be thankful for, so we wanted them to have a smile on their face, even if it was just for one day" said Steelers Quarterback Ben Roethlisberger, who left the game in overtime so the Chiefs could get the lucky win.

The Chiefs and Raiders are football teams in the AFC who allow players who aren't talented enough to play for other teams to join their team and live out their NFL fantasies. Their players include fat overweight linemen, slow wide receivers, and quarterbacks with little pro experience.

NY Mets to Become Proud Sponsor of NY Yankees

The New York Yankees are proud to announce their newest sponsor, the
New York Mets. The Mets will have signage on the outfield wall at Yankee Stadium, be the official baseball sponsor of the New York Yankees, and will supply
giveaway items at select Yankee games.

"We're delighted to welcome such a prestigious partner as the New York
Mets" said Yankees Director of Corporate Sponsorships, Greg Ellis. "Their reputation for embarrassment and dumb personnel moves makes them a fitting and
exciting sponsor."

The agreement gives the Mets exclusive category rights. "The New York Yankees are an important addition to the New York Mets' sports marketing alliances" said Mets Director of Spending Money, Jimmy Van Hise. "The demographic of fans who go to Yankee games are very similar to those who come to our games. This sponsorship broadens our opportunities to market the Mets to baseball fans in the New York Metropolitan area.

NY Mets to Become Proud Sponsor of NY Yankees

The New York Yankees are proud to announce their newest sponsor, the
New York Mets. The Mets will have signage on the outfield wall at Yankee Stadium, be the official baseball sponsor of the New York Yankees, and will supply
giveaway items at select Yankee games.

"We're delighted to welcome such a prestigious partner as the New York
Mets" said Yankees Director of Corporate Sponsorships, Greg Ellis. "Their reputation for embarassment and dumb personnel moves makes them a fitting and
exciting sponsor."

The agreement gives the Mets exclusive category rights. "The New York Yankees are an important addition to the New York Mets' sports marketing alliances" said Mets Director of Spending Money, Jimmy Van Hise. "The demographic of fans who go to Yankee games are very similar to those who come to our games. This sponsorship broadens our opportunities to market the Mets to baseball fans in the New York Metropolitan area.

Fantasy Football Advice From A Normal Guy, Week 11

Start:

Maurice Jones-Drew--- Maurice isn't facing himself in fantasy leagues this week so you don't need to worry about him taking knees at the one yard line. He'll want to score this week. Start him.

Bruce Gradkowski---Gradkowski is taking over the Raider's starting quarterback this week. We don't expect you to start him but in case he should do well, we at least want to recommend to start him so I can say "I told you so"

Sit:

Drew Brees----Bench him and let him rest for the playoffs. Once the playoffs come along, start Brees again. He'll be rested and be able to perform better.

Sean Morey---He hasn't had a reception the entire season. Don't expect one in Week 11. Start someone else. I know, big help.

Pray:

Pray that your fantasy players aren't too busy reading the Sarah Palin memoir and remember that they have a game this week.

Michael Crabtree to Holdout Until 49ers Get a Better Quarterback

Just weeks after ending his holdout due to salary demands, Michael Crabtree has threatened to holdout until they get a better quarterback than Alex Smith. Wide receivers need a quarterback to throw to them, else they're useless according to the biggest douchebag in the NFL.

"How am I supposed to live up to my ridiculous salary if I have a Ute throwing to me" said Crabtree. "The 49ers already fell for my first holdout, I'm hoping that they'll get suckered into falling for my trap a second time this season."

There are many quarterbacks that will be available during the off-season for the 49ers but like his salary demands, Crabtree is wanting the very best: Tom Brady or Peyton Manning. Crabtree wants them to quarterback for the 49ers so they can make him look good. Until then, he will be playing Madden and being either the Colts or the Patriots.

Brady Quinn Leads NFL's Biggest Loser Competition

Brady Quinn is leading the NFL's Biggest Loser for the first half of the season, voted upon by Quinn's peers. Quinn has been the dominant loser in the NFL this season. The Detroit Lions are in second place, the referees are in 3rd, and Larry Johnson is in 4th.

"This is definitely a team award" said Quinn who claims he's not that big, only 220 lbs. "To be in contention for a big award like this after playing like shit the past few weeks, I'm honored to be the front runner for such a dignified award. There are definitely many other players who were deserving of this honor so I am truly lucky."

If Quinn should maintain his lead, he will have to give up $10,000 due to an incentive in his contract. If Quinn should win this award again next year, he will have to forfeit $20,000.

Sarah Palin Can See Yao Ming From Her House

According to someone who claims to have actually read Sarah Palin's book, Sarah can see Yao Ming from her house. Yao is 7'6'', almost three feet taller than the tallest igloo in Alaska. Palin claims that she can see Yao from just about any place on the continent of Alaska.

"It doesn't matter if I'm making snow angels in the snow or if I'm standing on top of my igloo, I can still see Yao" said an excerpt from the longest book ever written by a female vice presidential candidate from Alaska. "If he was white, he'd be the world's largest snowman."

For those who read the cliff notes instead of suffering through all 432 pages, Palin also lists other things that she can see from her house:

1. Russia
2. Santa Claus
3. Snow
4. Other Igloos
5. Polar Bears

ESPN's 24 Hour Basketball Marathon Ends After 21 Hours and 48 Minutes

ESPN's 24 Hour College Basketball marathon ended at 9:48pm as the Arkansas-Louisville game ended 12 minutes earlier than its scheduled ending of 10 o'clock, thus ending ESPN's quest to have 24 straight hours of college basketball. The station began a new 2 hour marathon to much less hoopla at 10 o'clock when Kansas played Memphis.

"We are both angry and outraged that Arkansas refused to foul Louisville to extend the game" said ESPN Director of Screaming About Duke Players, Dick Vitale. "Although they were down by 30 points, they should understand the significance of this meaningless stupid marathon that we've built up so people would actually watch college basketball in November."

ESPN showed the Monday Night Football game between the Baltimore Ravens and Cleveland Browns leading up to the marathon, giving fans the opportunity to nap before the college basketball began. The marathon started with a classic between UCLA and Cal-State Fullerton, which was followed by nine games between teams that nobody has ever heard of, and finished with the Arkansas-Louisville game. Despite the failed attempt of having 24 straight hours of basketball, ESPN is now promoting a 60 minute marathon of SportsCenter starting tomorrow at 6pm.

JaMarcus Russell Praised for Consistant Play

After 3 seasons in the NFL, JaMarcus Russell is finally overcoming the inconsistency that often plagues young players. No longer is Russell alternating good games and bad games. Now it's consistently terrible. He has thrown for less than 130 yards in 6 out of his last 7 games and thrown an interception in four out of his last five.

"It seems like JaMarcus has peaked and is comfortable with his playing ability at this point" said Raiders Coach Tom Cable. "We know what we're going to get out of him each and every Sunday so it makes things easy for me. I can then focus on motivating our good players which will determine if we lose by 10 or by a lot more."

The Oakland Raiders management are not the only people enjoying Russell's consistency. Fantasy players each and every week know what to expect from Russell so it makes it easy on them whether or not they should start him. Fantasy players appreciate that Russell isn't one of those fantasy players who is going to get 30 points in one week and 5 the next.

Bill Belichick Wins Fantasy Week on Late Game Manning Touchdown Pass

Bill Belichick's fantasy team looked like a lost cause until a bonehead decision to go for it on 4th and 2 from their own 30 yard line allowed Manning a short field to throw his fourth touchdown of the game.

"I looked at my blackberry and realized that I was down by three points" said Belichick, who was excited to talk to the media about his fantasy team. "I needed a touchdown from Manning so I wanted to give him a short field to play with. Knowing that we were inside two minutes, I knew I wouldn't get ripped off with a random run from Addai." Belichick believes in running up the score so as the Colts lined up for the extra point, he did everything in his power to get it blocked and for the game to go into overtime so his players could get more points.

Belichick's fantasy team had a great game. Lawrence Maroney had to be placed in his starting lineup since Steve Slaton was on a bye which resulted in a goalline run for Maroney. He also had Randy Moss on his fantasy team which resulted in long bombs all night from Tom Brady.

Fantasy Football Advice From a Normal Guy, Week 10

Start:

Josh Freeman: He's averaging three touchdown passes per start this season while Peyton Manning is only averaging 2. Look it up yourself. Start Freeman without hesitation this week.

Mike Sims-Walker: East Rutherford, New Jersey is not known for its good-looking girls so no need to worry about Walker staying out past curfew with a random girl he met like he did earlier this year. Start Walker this week.

Sit:

Eli Manning---Unless you're counting girls, no quarterback has scored on a Bye Week all season. Don't expect that to change.

Larry Johnson---Along with the Giants and Texans, LJ is on a bye week in Week 10.

Pray:

Brady Quinn---Pray that the Cleveland Browns are playing a college team this week because Quinn has been useless ever since graduating from Notre Dame. He was good when facing college defenses.

Brady Quinn---Pray that Brady Quinn is not your starting fantasy quarterback. If he is, you're praying to the wrong God.

New Jersey Nets Only 7 Games Away From Guaranteeing #1 Pick in NFL Draft

The Nets players and coaches are more than halfway towards getting something that every team wants: the #1 pick in the NFL Draft. The Nets have started their season 0-9 and are only seven games away from going 0-16, a record that guarantees you the #1 pick in the NFL Draft when there are no expansion teams entering the league.

"We don't want to look ahead but there's definitely buzz around the locker room" said Nets Coach Lawrence Frank. "To get the #1 pick in the draft, it would be an early Christmas Hanukkah gift for our front office and a nice Hanukkah gift for me."

Unlike the NBA, the NFL Draft gives the #1 pick to the team who loses games on purpose and thus, has the worst record in the league. The NBA Draft has a lottery where teams who have the worst record don't necessarily get the top pick. There are rumors that Nets scouts are targeting Russell Okung, a 300 pounder who will clog up the paint.

Chiefs Fans Sign Petition to Keep Cassel Because He's Nice

Just days after a petition by Kansas City Chiefs fans pressured the Chiefs front office to release Larry Johnson before he broke the team all-time rushing yard record, they have started a new petition to prevent the Chiefs from benching Matt Cassel so he can avoid having the worst win-loss record in Chiefs history. Cassel has started his Chiefs career by going 1-7. The petition pleads for Chiefs management to keep Cassel as the team's starting so he can avoid being the losingest quarterback in team history.

"Cassel is a nice guy so he deserves to be our quarterback" said one fan who signed the petition. "LJ was a bum so I didn't want him to break the record but Cassel is such a good guy with a good heart. Out of pity for him, allow him to win some lucky games before benching him. We play the Raiders this week."

The Chiefs had no comment about the petition, although that might be because nobody wants to admit they're associated with the team. A tweet by a random fan pretending to be Cassel said he appreciates the support of the fans. Fantasy teams across the country who have Cassel as their starting quarterback are also signing the petition, requesting the Chiefs to start Cassel.

Giants underdogs by 11.5 Against Bye

Just one day after the Giants signed Mariano Rivera to be their closer, the line against Bye has jumped to an unimaginable +11.5 for the Giants. The Giants have lost four straight games, while Bye has not lost a game all year or given up a touchdown.

"I don't think Bye will score 12 points this weekend so I'm going with the Giants +11.5" said an anonymous gambler from Las Vegas.

Bye has a difficult schedule as they have to play two teams on Sunday. They're also facing the Houston Texans in addition to the Giants. However, facing multiple teams has its perks. Bye will have over a month to recover, as they won't play another game until the first week of the playoffs when they have the daunting task of playing the top two teams in both the NFC and AFC. Until then, they'll rest and wait to see who they're playing in January.

NY Giants Sign Mariano Rivera to Protect Late Game Leads

Just days after the New York Giants blew a 6 point lead in the last minute to the San Diego Chargers, anonymous Giants interns have leaked information that they have signed Mariano Rivera to a 3 month, $63,000/hour contract. The Giants are confident that if Rivera enters the game with a lead, they will win the game. The Giants have blown numerous late fourth quarter leads this year and hope the signing of Rivera will essentially make it a 55 minute game for them.

"All we have to do is have the lead after 55 minutes and then we'll just give the ball to Rivera" said Giants Coach Tom Coughlin, while coughing. Rivera's cutter is expected to throw defenses off and prevent defenses from returning interceptions. Unless it's Troy Polamalu, defensive ends and safeties will have a hard time catching the ball due to the late movement of the ball. Meanwhile, NFL rules don't prohibit defenders from wearing gloves so Rivera will be manning the deep ball with his baseball glove when the other team is desperately throwing a hail mary even though they're down by three touchdowns and there's no time left on the clock.. Rivera plans on knocking all the balls down and keeping everything in front of him.

The Giants started the season 5-0 but have choked away their last four games. They have a bye week in Week 10 which will give Rivera time to learn the signs from the staff. In practice, Rivera has been seen practicing the victory formation where the center snaps the ball to him and he takes a knee.

The Giants also excited about not worrying about the media throwing (pun intended) Rivera off his game. Rivera has had the unfortunate luck of dealing with the New York media for the past 15 years. Rivera is excited to be playing in front of Eli's hot wife and other player's spouses, as Kate Hudson and whoever Jeter's Flavor of the Week gets old after a while. Once and for all, Rivera will get to judge for himself if chicks really dig the long ball, or if they'd rather date a 280 pound tattooed freak who claims he's good at sex because he's a tight end.

Steve Nash Rewarded $10,000 for Positive Comments Made About the Officiating

Phoenix Suns Guard Steven Nash has been rewarded $10,000 by the NBA for positive comments made about officiating last night. NBA Officials are not used to receiving such praise from NBA coaches and players. The $10,000 will be indirectly paid by Andre Iguodala, who was fined $25,000 for complaining about the referees in the same game.

The referees made a controversial call in the late minutes of yesterday's game between the Suns and the 76ers. A loose ball clearly went off of Nash's leg but the refs said it went off Iguodala. "I would like to thank the refs for making an incorrect call and awarding us the ball" said Nash after the game. "They have done a great job all season making calls that reward our team."

Iguodala has been warned by the league that if he continues to complain about the officiating, his fines will increase and he will potentially be suspended by the league and forced to play in the Pac 10, where officiating is even more inconsistent. Meanwhile, Nash has been told that if he continues to make positive comments, he will be rewarded appropriately with all-star votes, endorsement deals and autograph photos of Kobe Bryant.

Zambia Congratulates the Phillies on Winning the World Series

People all over Zambia and other poor African countries have received their 2009 shipment of Philadelphia Phillies World Championship merchandise. Hundreds of championship merchandise were produced for both teams in the World Series, with the losing team's merchandise donated to third world countries. The King of Zambia has congratulated the Phillies on winning the World Series for the first time since they defeated the Toronto Blue Jays in the early 1990s. In Zambia, the 2009 Phillies have joined other great championship teams such as the 2007 New England Patriots, the 2000 New York Mets, and the Buffalo Bills dynasty of the early 1990s.

Zambians can be seen wearing Philadelphia Phillies hats, t-shirts and even sweatshirts in many local communities. Weather in Zambia is expected to fall below 95 degrees fahrenheit this week so the Phillies title came just in time.

Zambians are eagerly looking forward to the Superbowl in January. However, as hardcore as they are about sports and specifically football, they don't fully understand the rules. They believe that similarly to golf, the team that has the lowest score wins. Last year, they celebrated the Arizona Cardinals scoring less than the Steelers and they can't wait to see who scores less in the Superbowl this year.

Fantasy Football Advice From a Normal Guy, Week 9

Start:

LaDainian Tomlinson: After 56 yards rushing last week, LaDainian Tomlinson is eyeing Emitt Smith's career rushing yard record. LT is only 6,384 yards away and is hoping to break that record today. Even if he doesn't score a touchdown, 6000+ yards would be a good week for LT.

Miles Austin: Can you name a Monmouth University alum in the NFL who isn't any good? I didn't think so. Start Austin.

Sit:

Tampa Bay Defense: Despite playing against (bye week), Tampa was still unable to get into the win column last week. Don't expect their defense to help the cause against the Green Bay Packers.

Derek Anderson: While it has seemed like the Browns have been on a bye week all season, their official bye week is today. Sit Derek Anderson.

Pray:

Thank God for the teams who have bye weeks this week: Oakland, Saint Louis, Cleveland, Buffalo and the New York Jets. You really shouldn't have any players on these teams anyway so go ahead and start your best players. Pray and thank the man upstairs for making Week 9 a week where you don't have to stress about bye weeks. Now if only these teams could have a bye every week.

Brandon Jacobs: According to Tom Coughlin, the Giants have a one game season this week. Pray that the Giants win. If they don't, their season will be over and the fantasy players on the G-Men will essentially be useless.

Marcus Jordan Refuses to Wear Fruit of the Loom Underwear

Just days after Marcus Jordan refused to wear Adidas shoes for the University of Central Florida basketball team, he has told athletic officials that he's going to ignore the deal they have with Fruit of the Loom and wear Hanes underwear the rest of the season. When Jordan refused to wear Adidas sneakers in honor of father's loyalty towards Nike, Adidas backed out of its six-year, $3 million exclusive contract with UCF. There are rumors that Jordan's inability to wear Fruit of the Loom underwear is going to cost UCF a similar amount of money.

"Wearing Fruit of the Loom underwear would take away from my ability to play basketball at a mediocre level" said the younger Jordan. "I came to UCF to play at the mediocre level that UCF normally plays at, so I need to wear the most comfortable underwear possible. Wearing Fruit of the Loom would force me to play at a lower than mediocre level of play."

Fruit of the Loom is the exclusive underwear provider of Central Florida athletics. When half-naked players get interviewed postgame in the locker room, they want to make sure that players are wearing their Fruit of the Loom logos on their undies. Marcus' father, Michael, was a spokesman for Hanes underwear and holds Hanes close to his heart.

Syracuse Gets Payback by Crushing Le Moyne in Tug Of War

The Syracuse student body celebrated last night an impressive tug of war victory over the Le Moyne Dolphins, just two days after Le Moyne shocked the world by defeating Syracuse in a meaningless exhibition basketball game. Syracuse used the strength of its 16,000 students and 75 football players to defeat the 2,800 students on the Le Moyne side. Monster 426 pound Vanumi Powernumi was named MVP of the match.

"It's an honor to be named MVP" said Powernumi. "I'd like to thank my teammates for pushing my every day in practice and the lord for the opportunity to step out on the field and play to the best of my ability. I'd like to thank the fans for their support, my fan page on Facebook, my psychology professor for passing me even though I flunked every exam, and the steroids I've been taking leading up to the match.

The heated rivalry doesn't seem like it's going to end with a tug of war match. Beer Pong tournaments in local bars and parties around the Syracuse area are expected to continue throughout the school year. The Admissions Offices of each school are going to brag about which school has the better incoming freshman class. The schools are going to argue about which campus got more snow. Lastly, the battle of the football teams will also take place, although that shouldn't be much of a battle as the Le Moyne intramural squad has been playing quality teams in the Northeast all season while the Orange have been playing in the weak Big East.

Mark Teixeira Wins Most Valuable First Baseman of the World Series by Sucking Less Than Ryan Howard

Most of us have been more productive in our sleep, but Mark Teixeira has been named the Most Valuable First Baseman of the World Series, defeating Ryan Howard and pretty much nobody else because Howard was the only other player to play first base in the series. Teixeira went an unimpressive 3-23 with 8 strikeouts while Howard was 4-23 with 13 strikeouts. However, Teixeira was on a team that had more overpaid millionaires, celebrity girlfriends and past steroid users and thus, his team won and got some extra brownie points compared to Howard.

"This is a great feeling, I feel like I've earned my ridiculous salary" said Teixeira. "You work your entire life for these games and even though I was rather pathetic, it's still cool to get this nice looking trophy for doing absolutely nothing. This is proof that effort is more important than talent."

While Teixeira is obviously excited about getting a world championship ring, it was easy to tell that he was more proud of the trophy he barely earned. Even the receptionist with the Yankees gets a World Series ring, but Teixeira actually had to do something to get the Most Valuable First Baseman Trophy. Teixeira will have a parade for him on Friday where millions of New Yorkers will celebrate his accomplishment along the Canyon of Heroes. In addition, his Yankee teammates and the World Series trophy will be making a cameo appearance at the parade.

Teixeira can now proudly say he had a better World Series than Ryan Howard in 2009 and Bill Buckner in 1986...and nobody can ever take that away from him. He'll be going to DisneyWorld to celebrate, but that's only because he can afford it with his $180 million salary.

Ryan Howard to Start on One Day Rest

Despite playing on Monday night, Ryan Howard plans on playing tonight in Game 6 of the World Series on one day of rest. Manager Charlie Manuel said it wasn't even debatable, as Howard will have all off-season to rest from playing two games in three games. Despite pitchers often having a full four days rest in between starts, Howard says that one day is good enough for a freakazoid like him.

"My body has healed well and I felt fine yesterday during practice. This is an important game and I am going to do whatever it takes to win this game and force a game 7." When asked if he would play in Game 7 to make it two days in a row and three out of four, Howard said he is just focusing on Game 6 right now and he'll see how his body feels afterwards. Howard went 0-4 on Monday, after starting on both Saturday and Sunday.

The Phillies have been in desperation mode ever since they lost game 4 to go down three games to one. Not only are they starting Ryan Howard, but they are also considering using Cliff Lee out of the bullpen if need be. "This is the World Series so we have to do what we have to do" said Lee. The Phillies players got a lot of rest during the regular season by playing the Washington Nationals and New York Mets within their division, so they hope that helps in their healing from game to game. Andy Pettite will be starting for the Yankees with three days rest tonight.

Favre's Inspirational Comeback Forces MJ to Unretire

Michael Jordan has informed the Washington Wizards that he intends to make his third comeback to the NBA due to the overwhelming media attention that Brett Favre’s unretirements have gotten from the media. Michael Jordan is the greatest of all-time, but also wants to be known as the greatest to retire then unretire then retire then unretire, then retire and then unretire. With Michael Jordan coming back to the NBA, there are unconfirmed reports that Clemens is considering coming back to baseball, as he doesn’t his retirement drama to get overshadowed.

Jordan has been staying in shape by playing H-O-R-S-E against Larry Bird where the winner would get a Big Mac from McDonalds. He has also been staying up to date on the NBA by actively gambling on NBA games throughout his retirement.

In addition to basketball, Michael also plans to unretire from acting. Jordan retired from acting after his Oscar winning performance in Space Jam, a movie that can often be seen on Turner Classic Movies.

Orlando Magic Tie NBA Record for Best 3-Game Start

Not much has gone wrong for the Orlando Magic so far in the 2009-2010 season. The Orlando Magic have tied the NBA Record for best three game start in league history by going 3-0. They have outscored their opponents 340-306. If the season ended today, they would be the #1 seed in the Eastern Conference playoffs, pending tiebreakers. Ask any player or coach about an undefeated season and they all give the same response: “We’re taking it one game at a time”

Players on the team downplayed the pressure, but it was easy to tell that the undefeated season is taking a toll on them. With only 79 regular season games left in the season (really only 77 because Sacramento doesn’t count), the team is close to achieving its goal of going undefeated. Every team that plays the Magic will be trying to end the undefeated streak and preserve history. However, the first three teams tried to do the same thing and failed.

The streak almost came to a screeching halt yesterday as the Magic were down by one point early in the first quarter, but the Magic took the lead shortly afterwards and held on. Good teams know how to win and the Magic weren’t about to just give up and end their quest to go 82-0. The Magic have been compared to the 1972 Dolphins ever since the streak began last week. However, one slip-up and they’ll start to be compared to the 2007 New England Patriots.

Fantasy Football Advice From a Normal Guy, Week 8

Start:

Alex Smith: Facing the Colts, this is Alex Smith's chance to prove to critics that he's just as good as Peyton Manning. He'll be motivated to prove the doubters wrong.

Drew Brees: The Saint are playing on Monday Night Football so no matter how pathetic your team does on Sunday, you'll still have a chance on Monday night.

Sit:

David Gerrard---The Jaguars have their second bye week of the season in Week 8. They face the Titans.

All Rams and Lions Players---Does a football game really happen if nobody is there to watch it? Don't risk it. If your fantasy team should randomly have a player in this game, sit them...nobody will be there to take stats.

Pray:

Adrian Peterson---With all of the attention focused on Brett Favre coming back to Green Bay, pray that someone else in the game touches the ball.

Eli Manning---Pray that the Giants have touchdown passes on Sunday against the Eagles. The Giants have a lot of confidence in Manning, and it seems like he'll throw 100% of the pass attempts for the Giants on Sunday. If the Giants have a lot of touchdown passes, Eli should have a good day.

San Diego to Only Give it About 60% Tomorrow vs. the Raiders

The San Diego Chargers have admitted that they plan to only give it about 60-70% effort tomorrow against the Raiders, as they will save up some energy for Week 9. The Chargers plan on taking out most of their starters at halftime when they have a commanding lead. The Chargers face a very good Giants team in Week 9 and hope to be rested for the big game.

"Contrary to what Pop Warner coaches tell their teams, we don't need to give it our all on every play" said Chargers Head Coach, Norv Turner. "We don't want to embarrass our opponents so I always tell our players to give it our all in the first half, then take it easy once we have a commanding lead."

Since the Chargers plan to not use 30-40% of their strength tomorrow against the Raiders, they are planning to use that unused effort to give it a full 130-140% next week against the Giants. Since the Giants will be using all 100% of their effort against the Eagles tomorrow, they will only have 100% left over for the game against the Chargers. With the additional effort compared to the Giants, the Chargers feel as though they have an edge over the NFC powerhouse.

Fans Support Having One Season-Long College Football Playoff

According to a new poll released by IHateTheBCS.com, fans support eliminating the college regular season and bowl system completely, just having one extended playoff where every team can participate. The 128 team single-elimination playoff would start the first week in September and go on for seven weeks, with teams getting a week off after every other round so they can party and hook up with freshmen girls like normally college students. It would also allow a team that nobody has ever heard from a conference that nobody has ever heard of to have a chance to win the title. Anything can happen in one game...or seven.

Supporters of the new system argue that this is the only way to incorporate every team in the FBS and to name a true college football champion. Furthermore, the playoffs would end early enough to give the players time to study for their finals in December, rather than focusing on meaningless bowl games like the New Mexico Bowl, presented by the state of Arizona. Players of the teams who choke in the first round can spend the rest of their semester focusing on their school work and thinking of excuses to miss classes on Fridays instead of having to travel 2,000 miles to lose on an non-televised game by twenty points.

However, some college players are completely against such a system. A player who did not want to be named (We'll just call him #24 on Michigan) said that it gives an unfair equal opportunity to schools such as San Jose State and Wyoming. "Those are some WAC schools" he said. "Schools like Michigan deserve to have a better shot of winning the national title instead of those schools. It's unfair that they only have to win seven games to be named champion."

Larry Johnson's Twitter Account Gets Book Deal

Larry Johnson's Twitter account has signed a book deal with HarperCollins for an uncensored tell-all autobiography to be released in January when the Kansas City Chiefs will be trying to figure out who to take with the #1 pick in the NFL Draft. The book is expected to be a bombshell, with tweets about how bad of a coach Todd Haley is, how LJ's father has a better resume than Todd Haley, and gay slurs somehow involving Todd Haley and how bad of a coach he is. Neither the twitter account or HarperCollins have tweeted about how much Larry Johnson will be paid, but rumors from anonymous tweets say that Johnson is expected to get a Matt Cassel bobblehead, a Jamaal Charles autograph football, and a one-way American Airlines ticket to a place far away from Kansas City.

"Larry Johnson's Twitter account is one of most controversial sports influences of the past few days" tweeted HarperCollins. "For the account to write stories in this book never tweeted about, this was too good of an opportunity to pass up and be apart of. We hope it sells a ton of books so we can make lots of money."

The Twitter account will appear on the Oprah Winfrey show just days before the release of the book to promote the autobiography. At the show, Oprah will surprise her audience by giving them all free Twitter accounts. The book is currently listed at #1 on Amazon.com, BarnesandNoble.com, and TwitterAccountsThatHaveTurnedIntoBooks.com.

Phillies to take it Four Games at a Time in the World Series

Charlie Manuel and the Philadelphia Phillies will be ignoring the old
philosophy of taking it one game at a time for the World Series. The World Series begins tonight in New York and the Phillies will be focusing on games 1, 2, 4 and 6 because those are the ones they believe they can win. They will rest their starters in the other games.

“Winning one game doesn’t do us any good in the World Series” said Manuel. “You need to win four games to get a ring, not one. We are going to do everything we can to win the games that we have the best chances of winning."

Sticking to his word, Manuel has submitted both his starting lineups and injury reports for those four games. He is expected to give his pregame speech for all of the four games before Game 1, rather than waiting to do them before each individual game. Players will take four times the batting practice than they are used to today, but will not take batting practice before games 2, 4, and 6.

Last Undefeated Fantasy Football Team Goes Down, 1972 Miami Dolphins Relieved

Fantasy football team "Stafford for MVP" has finally entered the loss column, as the team couldn't overcome bye weeks from some of their key players and five touchdown passes from Carson Palmer. "Stafford for MVP" started the season 6-0 but lost in an upset to division rival "He Hate Me" to fall to 6-1.

"We stayed in the fight, guys didn't blink when Stafford for MVP made a late push Sunday night and to our credit, we were able to win the game" said "He Hate Me" head coach Mike Jaeger. "When your quarterback throws five touchdown passes, your wide receiver goes for 110 yards and a touchdown in London, and your defense only allows 10 points, you normally win the game if you hold your opponent to a respectable amount of points."

"Stafford for MVP" scored enough points to win a typical week, however gave up way too many points to Carson Palmer, Wes Welker, and the entire Cincinnati Bengals defense. They will have plenty of film to review this week so they can see which positions they can improve on. Plenty of players are on the trading block and on the waiver wire in the league, as every player on "Stafford for MVP" should feel stressed out about possibly being dropped, except those that are considered undroppable by Yahoo.

After the match, head coach Kyle Lumpquist realizing the negative feeling the players would have this tough loss, walked around the locker room talking to every player. Players such as Drew Brees, Dwayne Bowe and Kellen Winslow looked frustrated, but know that fantasy football luckily isn't like college football so there's still plenty of football left to be played.

Fans have already come down hard on Head Coach, Kyle Lumpquist for some of his moves this week. "How can you possibly start the Oakland Raiders defense?" said one fan on an internet message board, while others questioned starting Kellen Winslow against the New England Patriots. Some fans second-guessed Kyle's decision to start LaDainian Tomlinson over Beanie Wells, as Wells did outscore Tomlinson on Sunday and would have made the difference in the outcome of the week.

"Stafford for MVP" is still 6-1 in the season and holds their own destiny for one of six playoff spots. They have a very important matchup next week against KillMeIfCarrComesIn, a team that scores lots of points but has had a hard time holding onto leads when everything is tallied up on Monday nights.

Derek Jeter- "Give Me the Damn Ball"

Derek Jeter has informed Alex Rodriguez that the ball is not going to him enough and if the Yankees are going to win the World Series like they did in 1939, 1996, 1998, 1999, and 2000, he needs to be getting the ball more. Jeter claims that players are hitting the ball right to him, but A-Rod is cutting the ball off at third base and throwing the runner out at first. Jeter wants to win a gold glove this season and A-Rod is taking away from his opportunities to show off to the voters. Furthermore, A-Rod's heroics at the plate is taking away from Jeter's reputation as being the leader of the Yankees.

Jeter posted on his official Twitter page that teams win championships, not individuals. The ball needs to be spread around evenly he goes on to say. Jeter states that he's not being selfish, he just wants to make all of the plays in the field so he can get all the credit when the team wins the World Series.

Shortly after demanding the ball more, Chad Ochocinco and Terrell Owens friended Jeter on Facebook.

Fantasy Football Advice From a Normal Guy, Week 7

Start:

If you only have one quarterback on your roster, we recommend starting him.

Everyone on New England and Tampa Bay---The game will be played in Europe so due to the exchange rate, a fantasy point earned in this game will be valued more than a fantasy point earned in a game played on American soil

Sit:

Manny Ramirez---The Dodgers have a bye week until early April. Sit Ramirez for the immediate future

Jim Sorgi---The Colts plan on starting Peyton Manning over Sorgi so if you have Sorgi on your fantasy team, sit him.

Pray:

Brett Favre---Pray that Favre doesn't retire after the first quarter

Your team---Pray that your team gets more points than your opponent. If your team gets more points, it doesn't matter who you start.

Alex Rodriguez Chokes Again: Goes Hitless on Important Off Day

Alex Rodriguez was hitless on the Yankees off day yesterday and has not had a hit since the 6th inning of Game 5 of the ALCS. Girardi even showed his displeasure by replacing him in the crucial 9th inning of Game 5 for pinch runner Freddy Guzman, a guy who has one career home run and a career batting average of .211. Yankee fans have made their angry voices heard on sports talk radio and message boards all over the internet. However, Arod said he deserves the criticism.

"These fans don't expect any more out of me than I do out of myself", he said. "They get so accustomed to seeing me hit home runs when we're up by ten runs, and when I don't do what I normally do in an important game, they have the right to get angry. For me not to get any hits on one of the most important off days of the season, it's disappointing."

While Arod had an awful off-day, Yankees hero Derek Jeter had a fantastic day. His intangibles at practice were undeniable. While taking swings off the tee in the batting cages, he didn't miss once. He answered every question from the media perfectly. Even if Arod hits three home runs in Game 6 to win the pennant, Jeter deserves all the credit for his great leadership, especially on the day off yesterday.

Boise State to Play 3 Games a Week to Improve Resume

Boise State is doing whatever it takes to improve their resume. The Boise State Bronco football team is eager to show the nation, and more importantly poll voters that they deserve to be in the top 2 of the BCS standings. Boise State is undefeated this year, but based on their lack of quality wins, they are not high enough in the BCS standings to play in the BCS title game. Instead, teams with one loss from power conferences such as the SEC are above Boise State in the standings.

In an order to improve their resume, Boise State has scheduled games against high school teams from the state of Idaho every Tuesday and Thursday for the remainder of the season, in addition to the regularly scheduled Saturday games against lousy college football teams. Boise State wants to show voters that their 24-0 regular season record is more impressive than an 11-1 record from a team like USC, for example.

"If we win double the amount of games that these other teams win, there’s no way we can be denied” said Boise Head Coach Chris Petersen. "I really enjoy beating these cup-cakes 49-3 so by playing three games a week, I can enjoy these blowouts three times more often."

Instead of averaging Boise State's strength of schedule, Boise State is hoping they add their opponents total wins. Rather than facing a bunch of teams who only have two wins this season, Boise State is encouraging voters to view the three teams they are playing next week as a six-win team. Boise State has to be careful though; one slipup and their 23-1 record doesn't seem so impressive.

None of the voters really know who Boise State is so all calls to them were unanswered.

Marching Band Calls Timeout in Middle of Halftime Performance

With only there minutes left in the halftime show, Director Jon Sparks didn't like what he was seeing at last weekend's football game so he called a timeout in between sets to call the marching band in for a huddle. Sparks decided it was necessary to call his last halftime timeout of the season.

"I wanted to reiterate to the band members what we had been practicing in rehearsal all week" said Sparks. "We were getting to an important part of the show and I wanted to make sure we were all on the same page. It was too important of a set not to be together."

The band responded to the timeout well. They broke the huddle and performed a maneuver many had never seen before. The play had been practiced for weeks, but had not been used until then. The trumpet section faked to the left and marched in step up the right side line to the fifty yard line. The melody was then lateraled to the tuba section who lateraled it back to the trumpets. All of the instruments slid with their shoulders parallel to the sideline. Nobody saw it coming. It was a chance for the band to show off their athletic skills. Scouts from many colleges had stop watches and video cameras to determine who had the potential to march at the next level.

"That was one incredible play after that timeout" said a young girl who just wanted to be known as Clarinet #23. "The crowd went crazy as I marched past the 40 yard line and had a clear path to three steps behind the hash on the 45. I knew we were going to make the set once I got that point."

"I've worked all my life for this moment" added Flute #12. "It's a dream come true for that set to have perfect lines. I would like to thank God for making this happen, I knew he could do it."

For the band, it's not time to get overconfident. The band has a tough upcoming show this weekend and Sparks is all out of timeouts for the remainder of the season. However for one week, it's ok to celebrate. Sparks called timeout at the perfect time and ended any debate of having a coaching change.

Detroit Lions Honor 2008 Preseason Team

The Detroit Lions will be honoring one its best teams on November 1st, the 2008 Preseason roster. The team went 4-0 in the preseason, outscoring their opponents 80-32.

"This is a special way for us to honor a group of guys who left a huge mark on this franchise, the city of Detroit and this league,” said Lions Owner Henry Ford. “Having the best record in the preseason is something that nobody really strives to do, but since we had the best record, we might as well honor them because Detroit has had nothing else to be proud of lately."

Many former players including Dan Orlovsky will be coming back for the game. "It will bring back so many memories. I can't believe it's been 14 months" said Orlovsky. "This will be my first time back. I don't get to see the guys as much as I'd like to." Orlovsky was one of the stars for the 2008 Detroit Lions preseason team. In four games, he went 44-64 for 499 yards. He threw 2 touchdowns and only had one interception, although he would have had more if he wasn't throwing against third-string defenses in meaningless preseason games.

Juan Pierre Steals First Base to Avoid an Intentional Walk to Manny Ramirez

Juan Pierre stole a base last night, but it wasn’t the one most people steal. In the top of the 8th inning with two outs and Juan Pierre on second, the Phillies threw two intentional balls to Manny Ramirez. The Dodgers didn’t want to lose their best hitter to an intentional walk, so Juan Pierre smartly stole first base. With a runner on first, the Phillies instead decided to pitch to Manny. Manny made them pay by hitting a gapper off the left-centerfield wall as Juan Pierre scored all the way from first.

“This is why Juan Pierre is one of the smartest players in the game” said Dodgers manager Joe Torre. Pierre easily stole the base without a throw. Pierre's ability to steal both first and third base from second makes him a dual threat and very tough to defend against.

However, Pierre's heroics couldn't win the game by himself. The Dodgers wanted to see the new episode of David Letterman so instead of having to play all three outs in the ninth, the Dodgers let Jimmy Rollins hit a walk-off double to end the game. Unfortunately for the Dodgers, they forgot they were in the eastern time zone so they were a few minutes too late for Dave.

Tennessee Titans a Super Bowl Contender---It’s a Hoax!

It'a a Hoax! First it was Balloon Boy, now it’s the Tennessee Titans. It has been reported by the Associated Press that charges will be filed against the Tennessee Titans for being considered a Super Bowl contender before the season started. Suspicions of a hoax were amplified by the 0-5 start, only to be confirmed by yesterday’s embarrassing 59-0 loss to the New England Patriots.

As time went on, more strange behavior seemed to further indicate to NFL fans that the Tennessee Titans claim to be a Super Bowl contender was in fact a hoax. Kerry Collins began throwing interceptions. Their defense thought the football had cooties. On offense, their runningbacks thought they were playing hot potato. They began losing to teams like the Texans, Jets, and Jaguars.

Beat Reporters for the Tennessee Titans have conducted interviews with players and coaches to try to get to the bottom of the whole affair. As it stands now, the Titans will be charged with the hoax. Possible punishment for the hoax will include getting a top draft pick in 2010 (possibly the #1 overall pick) and lower expectations next year.

“This was a marketing stunt” said ESPN Analyst Keyshawn Johnson. “They wanted the public to believe that they were contenders this season so they could get more airtime on SportsCenter, better odds in Vegas, and get the primetime Sunday night and Monday night games, normally held for the top teams.

“Absolutely no hoax” said Tennessee Titans Head Coach Jeff Fischer. “Now if you can please put some plays that may have worked for you in “Madden” into this little box, I need to think of a game plan for our next game vs. Jacksonville.”

A press conference will be held sometime tomorrow during which officials will release more information.

Fantasy Football Advice From a Normal Guy, Week 6

Start:

Adrian Peterson, Drew Brees, Maurice Jones-Drew, Andre Johnson, Antonio Gates and whatever defense is facing the Saint Louis Rams---They will get you lots of points. Start ‘em!

Sit:

Peyton Manning---The Colts have their unavoidable bye week so Peyton won’t get many points. However, if your backup quarterback is DeMarcus Russell, we recommend starting Manning because he won’t be getting negative points.

Brett Favre---Brett has retired, time to drop him from your team…oh wait.

Plaxico Burress--- Burress did not travel with the team to New Orleans so he’ll likely not play today for the Giants. Due to the negative press it would bring, the Giants were secretive on the exact reason he won’t be playing.

Pray:

Derek Anderson---If your starting quarterback is Derek Anderson, it is time to pray. It worked last week, he completed two passes. If more people pray this week, his completions might increase to three or four.

Terrell Owens---According to his news conference, Owens only goes with the plays that are called for him. Therefore, pray for long passes to #81.

Tim Couch---If Tim Couch if your starting quarterback, pray that your draft guide next season is up to date and doesn’t list Ryan Leaf as one of their sleeper picks.

Jacksonville Trades Draft Pick for 1,500 Fans Per Game

The Philadelphia Eagles have announced that they have traded 1,500 fans per game to the Jacksonville Jaguars in exchange for a 2nd round pick in the 2010 draft and a player to be named later. Jacksonville has struggled to get sell tickets in this economy and are currently in the bottom half of league attendance.

"This is an excellent trade for the Eagles and we are all appreciative to the Jaguars for their cooperation during negotiations" said Eagles General Manager Tom Heckert. Meanwhile Ticket Executives for the Eagles were outside Lincoln Financial protesting, saying that they lost a lot of commission due to the lost tickets traded away to Jacksonville.

From the Jaguars point of view, this was a no-brainer. The team is not going to win anytime soon, so giving up players for new fans and ticket sales was a great business move. Don't be surprised if the Jaguars make more trades in the near future; they still have lots of players and draft picks to give away, and plenty of seats to fill up at Jacksonville Municipal Stadium.

Jose Molina Looks to Get Out of Early Season 165 Game Slump

Jose Molina is only batting .219 this season with 1 home run but
claims he’s just in a little early season funk and there’s plenty of baseball
left to be played this season. Jose only has 30 hits in his last 138
at-bats dating back to April 6th when the slump began.

“This is just an early season 165 game slump” said Jose from the luxurious Yankees team plane. “I still have an entire ALCS and World Series to bust out of this slump and improve my stats. This is a very long season and fans need to be patient.”

Instead of Molina, Yankees Manager Joe Girardi will be starting Jorge Posada at catcher tonight in Game 1. Molina will continue working with hitting coach Alex Rodriguez before the game to get his swing back in form.

Fantasy players are encouraged to be patient and hold onto Molina for a bit longer. If you are looking for catcher help, this is an excellent opportunity to trade for Molina, as his value will never be lower.

Balloon Boy Punished, Forced to Become a Mets Season Ticket Holder

Falcon "Balloon Boy" Heene has been given the ultimate punishment for hiding in the attic by the Colorado police department and the National Guard: 2010 New York Mets Season Tickets. The punishment comes as thousands of dollars worth of tax money was spent following the mushroom shaped object fly wildly through the Colorado sky like a Kyle Orton pass that wobbled uncontrollably eight rows into the stands.

"I don't want to see the Mets lose all 81 home games next season" said a crying Falcon as he spoke to strangers, something he's not supposed to do. "However, I can't be too upset. I am now the most famous person to hide in an attic since Anne Frank and the coolest Falcon since Michael Vick."

Balloon Boy will take a high-speed helium balloon created by his father from Fort Collins to Citi Field for each game. Falcon will be forced to endure 81 awful home games and will not be allowed to leave games early to beat the air traffic from nearby Laguardia and JFK Airports. During rain delays, Falcon will be forced to sit in a balloon to stay dry from the rain.

Falcon's fame has allowed him to automatically qualify for the Hide & Seek World Championships. He has been named Colorado's Bachelor of the Year in the 6 year old division. Mets jerseys with "Balloon Boy" on the back is now the #1 selling jersey on Mets.com, passing "We Suck" and "Buckner"

Rush Limbaugh Buys Fantasy Team, Drafts All St. Louis Ram Players

Just moments after Rush Limbaugh was dropped from a group bidding to buy the Saint Louis Rams, Limbaugh logged onto ESPN.com and bought a fantasy team in the league "Donovan McNabb is overrated." As long as the credit card is valid, ESPN Fantasy sports does not discriminate against former employees who may have radical political views and have said racist comments in the past.

Economists are praising Limbaugh's investment for buying a team for only $29.95, compared to the millions he would have spent to buy an equally terrible team, the Saint Louis Rams. Limbaugh's team, named "This is my Fantasy", is filled with Rams players and is ironically expected to win the same amount of games this season as the real Rams, zero.

Limbaugh selected Steven Jackson in the first round. He followed that pick with what he thought was a steal in the second round, Marshall Faulk. Limbaugh then selected Mark Bulger in the third round and followed that up in the fourth round with the Rams backup quarterback, Kyle Boller. Limbaugh plans to start whichever quarterback has the better weekly match-up. In the fifth round, Limbaugh got confused and selected Rams Head Coach Steve Spagnuolo. With a surprise pick in the sixth round, Limbaugh selected the Rams defense. In the seventh round, he selected former Ram Wide Receiver Az-Zahir Hakim because he liked his name and in the eighth round, Limbaugh got confused once again and selected Colorado State Rams Quarterback Grant Stucker. The rest of Limbaugh's selections were of Rams players that nobody has ever heard of.

Good Luck Rush, from your friends at Zaiger's Sports of Sorts!

Barack Obama: "Chicago Deserves the World Series"

Combining hometown pride and political muscle, President Barack Obama flew to New York yesterday to lobby Bed Selig and MLB officials to give the North Side of Chicago the 2009 World Series. Obama flew to Chicago with dignified Chicagoians Oprah Winfrey, Lou Pinella, Steve Bartman and a Billy Goat.

“It has been a very long time since the north side of Chicago hosted a World Series game” said President Obama. “Rundown cities like Detroit and Cleveland have hosted this prestigious event in recent years, both of whom have inferior economies and infrastructure compared to the north side of Chicago. “

The north side of Chicago has an impressive state-of-the-art transportation system, as well as sufficient hotel space for the numerous media and tourists who will inevitably embark on the north side for an event like the World Series. One aspect that hurts Chicago’s bid for the World Series is Wrigley Field, a facility that was built many years ago. Other contenders for the World Series such as the Bronx and Philadelphia have stadiums that were built in the past five years. They also have teams that have a chance of playing in the Fall Classic.

Bud Selig is expected to announce the cities that will host World Series games shortly after the conclusion of the ALCS and the NLCS. Until then, Obama will just have to wait and see.