Five UK Players To Skip Class, Go Straight to Academic Probation

John Wall and DeMarcus Cousins promised their coach when they signed with Kentucky that they would put all they can into the basketball program. Now the two freshmen phenoms, along with 3 teammates are among five Kentucky players named to Academic Probation. Wall and Cousins are expected to be one of the first few players drafted, and haven't been to class since November.

The five players have promised Coach Calipari that they won't be on academic probation for long, most likely because they are all going to the NBA Draft early.

Yankees Fire Joe Girardi After Slow Start to the Year

Yankees fired manager Joe Girardi this morning, blaming his horrific start of the season that resulted in them having the worst record in the league heading into today's play.

"We haven't won a game all year" said Yankee GM Brian Cashman. "I am hoping that our new manager can improve over the remaining 161 games of the year."

The Yankees offense played well under Girardi, having won a World Series last year and averaging 7 runs per game. However, the pitching staff had a 9.00 era and were giving up an average of one run per inning. It was not known who would replace Girardi, however there are rumors that the Yankees will overpay like they normally do.

Happy Opening Day...kinda

In honor of Yankee fans stressing out after probably losing tonight's opener, here are some funny Yankee videos from across the web:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CZlIUHX2BbA

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TYJJ-4C1xw8&feature=related

New Episode of ESPNews Tonight!

After months of anticipation, a new live episode of ESPNews will be aired tonight. The episode will be scripted, although there are rumors that the dialogue won't officially be set until closer to airtime.

"Tonight's 8pm episode of ESPNews is going to be a must-watch" said ESPN.com. "We will be showing highlights of the day, a preview of tomorrow's action, and Dick Vitale screaming about how good Duke is."

The show is expected to be tivo'ed by millions of sports fans across the country.

NCAA Considering Adding Two Teams to the Final Four

Due to increased pressure and money concerns, the NCAA is considering add two more teams to the Final Four. The additional teams will create more money for CBS, as more games will be needed to be played.

If the Final Four had six teams in it this year, lousy teams like Tennessee and Baylor would have had a chance to make it.

"I think having six teams in the Final Four takes away from the elitism of the Final Four" said Michigan State Tom Izzo. "The Final Four needs to stay with only four teams to keep it on the superior level."

Happy April Fools Day

The Washington Nationals will win the World Series

Tim Tebow will break all of Brett Favre's quarterback records

The Detroit Lions will win more than three games this year

Brett Favre will make a decision regarding his retirement soon

Barry Bonds never took steroids

Denard Span Fouls Ball Off of Mark Buehrle's Mother

After striking out twice against Mark Buehrle, Denard Span fouled a ball in his third at-bat and hit Mark Buehrle's mother right in the face. Mrs. Buehrle, wearing her son's jersey, was shaken but ok.

"Buehrle was throwing these nasty pitches so I had to do something to take him off his game" said Span.

After fouling the ball off of Buehrle's mother, Span was walked on four straight pitches. None of the pitches were anywhere close to the strike zone.

Saint John's to Hire Saint John to be New Basketball Coach

The Saint John's University basketball team has decided to hire St. John as their new basketball coach. Terms of the agreement were not disclosed.

"Saint John brings the skill set and personality that we feel gives us a chance to compete at the highest level in the Big East" said St. John's Athletic Director Chris Monasch. "He has the resume and experience that we were looking for."

Vincent de Paul, also known as St. John, was a Catholic priest who was born in 1581. He has dedicated his life to serving the poor. St. John hopes that his team continues his community service and become more than just lousy Big East basketball players. If Saint John can't win basketball games at his own university, many New Yorkers feel like the program will be a lost cause.

Autistic Boy Chooses Duke to the Final Four Perfectly

He predicted Duke to beat Arkansas Arkansas Pine Bluff. He correctly selected Duke over Louisville (Duke actually beat Louisville but at least he got the winner right.) He selected Duke to advance to the Elite 8 and then selected them to beat Villanova (they beat Baylor instead.) Now Joseph Alexander, an Autistic teenager from Indianapolis is celebrating his correct selection of picking #1 Duke to the final four.

"I'm really good at math" said Joseph. "Since Duke was the #1 seed in their bracket, I decided to take them in every game leading to the final four."

Unfortunately for Joseph, the rest of his bracket isn't doing as well. He decided to use the same math to pick the other #1 seeds incorrectly to the final four.

UConn Women's Basketball Team Plays Ball Like a Girl

"You Play Ball Like a Girl!" That's what opponents of UConn's women's basketball team is saying against them. The team has not lost in about 3723 games and other teams are using intimidation as a desperate attempt to scare them.

UConn doesn't seem offended by the comment, as many enemies have said the same thing to the players ever since they were young. However, when the Huskies defeat their opponents by 40-50 points, the opposing team often says that they play like men in their postgame press conferences.

Kansas State to Play its Butler Today in Elite Eight

In a game that will decide who gets to go to the Final Four, Kansas state will face its Butler tonight in the Elite Eight. The Wildcats have won four games and are only one game away from reaching the Final Four.

"Our butler is a good friend of ours but once we hit the court, we will want to win the game just like if we were playing an enemy" said Kansas State coach Frank Martin.

"We have nothing but the upmost respect for our masters, Kansas State" said Butler coach Brad Stevens. "However, this is our chance to show that even a butler can have its one shining moment."

Terrelle Pryor to Join the Basketball Team

The Ohio State Buckeyes are bringing out all the stops tonight against Tennessee. They will be introducing a new played named Terrelle Pryor, their quarterback. Pryor played basketball in high school but decided to pursue football instead.

"I am going to prove that Lebron James is not the only person who can play basketball and football" said Pryor while sitting on his bench. "I hope the game's a blowout so I can showoff my skills."

Tennessee has started to scram for scouting videos of Pryor. They have requested videos of Pryor playing football against Michigan. They are also looking for videos of Pryor playing other high schools in Pennsylvania.

Tiger Woods to have Swedish Bikini Model Caddie at the Masters

Tiger Woods has announced that his caddie for the upcoming masters will be a Swedish bikini models.

"Swedish bikini models have had a great impact on my life" said Tiger. "I can't wait for more of them to be with me when I enter the next stage of my life."

Tiger has not announced which Swedish bikini model he will choose to be his caddie. However, the girl will most likely be Swedish, good looking, and probably blonde.

NFL Changes Coin Toss Format in Overtime Games

The NFL has changed its overtime format in postseason games, attempting to reduce the impact of teams winning the coin toss. In overtime games only, the home team will also be able to call the coin flip if they lose the coin flip called by the away team. If the visiting team should win both coin flips, they get to choose if they want the ball or not. If each team wins one coin flip, the whole process will begin again.

The new system, approved Tuesday, eliminates the possibility of a team losing the coin toss without getting the opportunity to call heads of tails. The league's owners voted 32-0 to ratify the chance.

"This has been long overdue" said Vikings Runningback Adrian Peterson. "I hated it when the other team called heads and it was heads, and they won the coin toss. Now at least it's fair because we can call heads or toss on the second toss."

The Worst Bracket: Teen Gets 1st Two Rounds Completely Wrong

Steve Johnson, a teenager from Hoboken, New Jersey is absolutely zero so far in picking the NCAA tournament.

Ohio over Georgetown? He missed it.
Wake Forest over Texas? He missed it
Syracuse over Vermont? He missed it.

The odds of picking the first two rounds completely wrong is one in 13,460,000. Once he missed all of the games in the first round, Steve knew the rest of his bracket was busted. "It's kinda hard to win a game when you don't have the two teams playing" he said. Steve's final four consists of Georgetown, Vanderbilt, Temple, and Notre Dame, all teams that lost in the first round. However, he is hoping to win the tiebreaker as he thinks the final game will have 143 points in it.

Northern Iowa Plays Ball Like a Girl named Cinderella

How does it feel to beat the #1 team in the tournament, only for America to say you play like a girl named Cinderella? That's exactly how the Northern Iowa Panthers feel.

"When we beat Kansas, we thought we were going to be praised for our hard work but instead, everyone told us that we play like a girl" said Northern Iowa player Jordan Eglseder. "That just motivates us to play harder."

Meanwhile, Kansas was not only embarrassed that they lost to a mid-major team, but they lost to a team full of girls. Now it's Michigan State's chance to play a team full of Cinderellas.

Cornell Basketball Players Disappointed About Missing More Class

First was it only a few days, now it's a few weeks. After defeating the Wisconsin Badgers in Jacksonville 87-69, the Cornell Big Red scrambled to get an excuse note to their professors for the upcoming week, hoping that it doesn't influence their grades too much. After spending last week in Florida, the win over Wisconsin means that the Cornell basketball team will spend another week focusing on basketball instead of academics.

"I was really excited to learn about the earth's atmosphere" in my Earth Science class said Cornell Basketball player Ryan Wittman. "I really hope to attend this class next semester even when I'm not taking it so I can make up for the knowledge that I've lost."

Report: Busted Brackets to Cause Depression

The suicide rate among active March Madness pool participates is on pace to surpass the last three March Madnesses combined. The early upsets of Georgetown, Villanova, New Mexico and Kansas has busted many brackets before the Sweet 16 has even began. Officials claim that if the upset trend continues, the depression rate will increase as more and more brackets get tossed.

"Spending hours filling out your brackets, only for a random team like St. Marys and Northern Iowa to ruin it will cause anxiety, stress, and depression" said March Madness Psychologist, Richard Vittal.

However, the depression has not affected the female population at the same alarming rate as men because quite frankly, they don't know what they're doing when they're filling out their bracket. For that reason, many of them picked Ohio to defeat Georgetown and Washington to beat New Mexico because they had better mascots.

White Basketball Players Start Their Own WNBA

White basketball players are excited about the White National Basketball Association, starting in the fall of 2010. The new WNBA will feature white players who mostly played at Ivy League schools or at Duke in college, and would rather play professionally in the United States than in Israel.

"I am so excited to play in this league" said former Syracuse star Jerry McNamara.

JJ Redick, a player who has played in the NBA, is expected to be the #1 pick in the league. He is expected to show off his shooting skills, without having to worry about the athleticism of the real NBA.

Some Guy Named Robert Morris Scores 70 Points Against Villanova

Little known Rob Morris had a career game yesterday in the biggest stage of his life. Facing a Final Four contender in Villanova, Morris scored 70 points playing against guys much heavily recruited than him. While it did take him 55 shots to score the 70 points, he was able to make 21 free throws in the game.

"This was a chance to show to the world that I am a good player" said Rob after the game. "I have been working very hard and this was a chance to show what I could do."

Scoring wasn't the only thing that Morris did in the game. In addition to the 70 points, he also had 24 rebounds, 8 assists and 10 steals.

NCAA Teams Claim That NIT Teams Have Easier Road to the Championship

An uproar from teams in the NCAA Tournament claim that teams in the NIT have an easier road to the championship. Rather than facing cinderella teams like Old Dominion, Murray State, and San Diego State, the teams in the NIT get to play underachieving teams like UConn and North Carolina.

The NCAA teams are also complaining that there is more pressure on them because of the constant media attention put on them compared to the NIT teams. They feel an obligation to win because some random guy in Montana picked them to go all the way to the Elite 8 in his office pool. The NCAA Teams also have to win 6 games to win the championship, instead of 5. Next year, the NCAA Teams are hoping to have a so-so season so the committee can "snub" them and they can be invited to the NIT.

Tiger Woods to Start Sleeping With Other Girls After Winning the Masters

Tiger Woods will make his highly anticipated return to sleeping with other girls after winning the Masters, ending his four-month hiatus from doing just that. The world's number 1-ranked cheater, who has not let a month go by since marrying Elin, announced that he would return better than ever.

"Augusta is where I met this awesome brunette and her twin sister" said Woods. "I am excited for that to be the place where I return to cheating."

Arkansas Pine Bluff and Winthrop to Team Up Against Duke

The Arkansas Pine Bluff and Winthrop basketball teams are pooling their talents together, as they have decided to skip the Play-in game completely. The two teams will face the Duke Blue Devils on Friday.

"Even though we might not be as talented as they are, we are hopeful that having twice as many players on the court will give us an advantage" said Co-Coach of the Winthruff basketball team, Gregg Marshall.

NCAA Considers Adding 96 Teams to NIT

With the NIT struggling to get attention, committee members are considering increasing the number of teams from 32 to 96. If there are more teams in the tournament, there will be more fans who have a rooting interest in the completely meaningless tournament.

However, some don't want the NIT to expand. "Letting teams into the NIT just for the heck of it would defeat the whole purpose of it" said a random coach from a Mid-Level team that goes to the NIT each year. "The NIT rewards teams who play well all year to make the NIT."

No Entry Today

The writer of the blog is too busy filling out his bracket based on make believe projections by Joe Lunardi. He plans on entering many pools this week based on Lunardi's random matchups, not the ones set by the NCAA Basketball Committee.

East Tennessee State on Bubble for Play-In Game

The basketball players on East Tennessee State say they're not looking at Bracketology or projections, but everyone knows they are. The Buccaneers are on the bubble for the play-in game.

"There is such a fine line between being #63 and #64" said Coach Murry Bartow. "I hope the committee looks at our strength of schedule and our great run to end the season.

East Tennessee State played their last game last week and has been sitting at home all week. However, they did the season on a high note winning their conference title. Unfortunately for them, the other 16 seeds all did as well.

Joe Nathan To Learn to Pitch With Left Arm

Joe Nathan is still in agony about having Tommy John Surgery on his right shoulder. The Twins have no other option at the closer position, so they are hoping that he can learn how to pitch with a healthy left arm.

"I still have three weeks in Spring Training to learn how to be a lefty" said Nathan while resting on his right arm. "Spring Training is normally a waste of time so I hope to spend this time usefully."

Nathan was showing off his left arm to the media yesterday during practice. His "fastball" topped out at 44 mph. Nathan is currently working on other pitches but as of now, he has only perfected his 44 mph fastball. If Nathan can't improve, the Twins will have to rely on pitchers that nobody has ever heard of to close games for them.

Nationals To Start Stephen Strasburg all 162 Games

In an effort to give them the best chance to win, the Nationals plan to start Stephen Strasburg in all 162 games this season. The phenom is the best pitcher on the team, and they hope that his arm can hold up the entire season.

"If he pitches every game, I hope he will get in a groove" said Nationals Manager Jim Riggleman. "Sometimes pitchers take a few days off in between starts and they get rusty."

The Nationals also hope that Strasburg's appearance in every game will boost attendance. Attendance figures were up for his expected starts, so they hope that the fans who bought tickets for his starts will now buy tickets for each of his starts.

Robert Morr Makes Northeast Final, Thinks 50/50 Chance of Making NCAA Tournament

"I don't care what bracketology says" said Robert Morris Coach Mike Rice. "If we win one more game, I think we have a good chance of making the field."

ESPN's bracketology currently has Quinnipiac getting the automatic bid from the Northeast Conference, with a 16 seed against Syracuse in the first round. Robert Morris is not even on the bubble according to Joe Lunardi. However with a win tonight against Quinnipiac, Robert Morris can win the meaningless conference and drastically boost its resume. With a conference tournament championship, Robert Morris expects its name to be called on Sunday.

"At this point, I think we have a 50/50 chance" said Coach Rice.

Local Little League Team Honored By Barack Obama

President Barack Obama honored the Springfield Little League 8 and Under champion Yankees on Monday at a White House event. Obama congratulated the team on its 12-3 record. He said the team's success is due to the coach only playing its best players and not the cross-eyed unathletic nerd with the nice mother.

"We didn't care about playing all of the players' said Coach Murphy. "I think the government should learn from our team and only use the politicians who are good."

The Yankees return home to Springfield today, as they embark on their lives. Each player on the team will receive a small trophy, as well as a ribbon for great work.

UConn Womens Basketball Games Voted Boringest in Country

With UConn's 70th straight double digit win yesterday against Syracuse, another UConn women's basketball game being a total borefest. The Huskies carried their usual 25+ point lead into halftime, with the game never being in doubt. Fans began leaving the game to beat traffic midway through the first half when UConn took a double digit lead.

UConn's ticket sales have decreased during the winning streak, as the games continue to be blowouts. While Huskie fans are excited by their success, each game is extremely boring because they're no contest. UConn fans are hoping that the team has a bad shooting day in an upcoming game so the game can be somewhat close coming down the stretch.

UNC's Blowout Loss to Duke To Hurt NIT Seeding

With an embarrassing 82-50 loss to Duke last night, UNC's seeding in the NIT tournament took a big hit.

"There is no doubt that we want to get as high of a seed as possible in the NIT" said Coach Roy Williams. "We want to get as many home games as possible because our arena can fit more than most, so we want to get as much money from ticket sales from it."

North Carolina will try to win as many games as possible in the ACC tournament to improve their seeding in the NIT. Until then, they will sweat it out and hope that the top NIT teams end up getting a bid into the NCAA Tournament.

Lebron Angry That His Game Last Night Will Not Be An Instant Classic

40 Points, 13 Rebounds and 6 Assists apparently isn't good enough to be an ESPN Instant Classic. ESPN announced this morning that the Cavaliers' victory over the Pistons will not make ESPN Classic in the near future.

"I am extremely disappointed that my performance wasn't good enough to be an instant classic" said Lebron while driving in his hummer that his mother bought him. "I hope that my next game against Milwaukee will meet ESPN's expectations."

Instead of showing Lebron's fantasy game, ESPN Classic will be showing old school bowling, American Gladiators and a random documentary that nobody cares about.

Nationals Start Spring Training Slowly, High Priced Players on Trading Block

Need an overpriced veteran who doesn't deserve the high salary he's getting paid? Call the Washington Nationals!

Getting outscored 25-9 in their two games yesterday, the Washington Nationals are now 0-2 and are beginning to look for teams who might want their underachieving stars. The Nationals know that the closer it gets to the trading deadline, the less value these players will have. If the Nationals trade the players now, the other teams will not only have them for the remainder of the regular season, but also for Spring Training.

Jack Nicklaus Expects Tiger to Sleep With Girls Before the Masters

Hall of Famer Jack Nicklaus has no idea on the exact date Tiger Woods will again cheat on Elin, but he expects the World's #1 cheater to cheat before the Masters. Woods has slept with hundreds of girls since he married a Swedish nanny, but hasn't slept with anyone since crashing his car back in November. Woods gave no hint as to when he would cheat again last week when he spoke to the public for the first time.

It was reported on Tuesday that Tiger has left Sex Rehab and can now sleep with girls without someone hounding over him. Many seemed to think that was a sign that Woods could be back cheating with girls sooner rather than later.

Mets Win Spring Training Opener, World Series Now Expected

The lowly Mets defeated the Braves 4-2 in yesterday's Spring Training Opener, convincing fans across the baseball industry that they are for real this season. The impressive win over a bunch of no-name Braves minor leaguers come after rave reviews that David Wright took 10 straight groundballs at 3rd base without committing an error.

"We are the team to beat" said Mets Manager Charlie Manuel. "You should have seen Jason Bay catch fly balls this morning."

The Mets continue their quest to win the World Series at their next Spring Training game against the Cardinals. With the loss, the Braves are already looking ahead to 2011.

Reasons Why USA vs Canada Got NBC Good Ratings

1. American Idol wasn't on
2. Pamela Anderson is from Canada. Therefore, all of the girls in the crowd look like Pamela Anderson
3. Fans wanted to see whatever happened to Charlie Conway and Goldberg when they grew up
4. NBC was showing a newly invented sport called Ice Hockey
5. It's so much cooler than tweeting that you're watching E!
6. If the USA would have won, people wouldn't have to worry about paying $11 to see the movie called "Miracle 2"

Penguins Only to Take Sidney Crosby Back Because He's Damn Good

Despite ruining America's chances of winning Olympic gold and causing most of Canada to jump off a cliff, the Pittsburgh Penguins have decided to welcome Sidney Crosby back to the United States because he's a damn good hockey player.

"It was a tough decision but after many hours debating the topic and watching highlight videos on Youtube, we have decided that the jackass can help us win games" said Penguins General Manager Ray Shero.

Americans are outraged that a player that plays for an American Hockey team can betray his hometown team by defeating the Americans in the gold medal game. However, Americans luckily don't follow hockey outside of the Olympics so they probably won't hear the name "Sidney Crosby" until 2014. Until then, Sportscenter will continue to ignore the NHL.

Team USA to Use Julie "The Cat" Gaffney in Shootout Situation

Fifteen years after Julie "The Cat" Gaffney stopped Iceland's dreams of winning the Junior Goodwill games, the magic of the moment is still there. If today's gold medal game against Canada should be tied after overtime, coach Ron Wilson will have no choice but to put Julie "The Cat Gaffney" in goal.

"If Julie can stop Gunnar Stahl in the most epic sporting event of all-time, then she can certainly stop a Canadian hockey player in the Olympics" said Coach Wilson. "If we can get Julie in goal with a chance to win the Gold, the Canadian fans should start leaving early to beat traffic because the game will be over."

In order for Gaffney to make an appearance, goalie Ryan Miller will have to play the game of his life to keep the United States tied with Canada. If Miller can do his job and get the United States team to a shootout situation, Miller will be the favorite to win game MVP.

305 Million Americans to Face 35 Million Canadians for Olympic Gold

The United States population will face the population of Canada tomorrow in the Olympic Hockey final. While the Canadians think of hockey 24/7, the United States is hoping that its massive population 10x more than Canada will give them the advantage.

To offset the size advantage, Canada will try to get all 305 million people on the same side of the ice and do long passes to get them out of position. However, the Americans are not intimidated. Since most Americans are overweight, the 305 million Americans will seem more like 340 or 350 million to the Canadians.

Report: 99% of Americas Have No Idea What a Triple Toe Loop Is

A recent report by USA Today says that 99% of American children have no idea what the difference is between a triple salchow and a triple toe loop. The report is especially disturbing because the United States is one of the international powerhouses in figure skating.

"This is a huge wakeup call" said a random beginner figure skater holding onto the wall at a figure skating rink. "I might not know what a triple salchow is, but at least I know it's when they jump and spin a few times in the air."

The report says that many states including Florida, Hawaii and Texas were given "horribly embarrassing" as their rating, while states like Colorado were given "Not bad in the gay community." Schools will start focusing on double axels so Americans can understand the sport of figure skating. Then they can start focusing on Curling because according to the same report, 100% of Americans have no idea what the rules are there.

Olympic Curlers Complain About People Watching Them

Olympic Curlers are used to competing in empty ice rinks. However, the Olympics are a completely different story. Many Curlers have asked Olympic officials to limit the amount of people in the arena to less than ten because that's what they're used to.

"Competing in an arena with more than just my boyfriend and parents in the stands is something brand new for me" said an Olympic Curler competing in her first Olympics. "In between shots, the sounds of people talking to each other really throws off my game...literally."

Curlers are looking forward to non-Olympic events where nobody cares about curling. Even the small two sentence summaries at the bottom of the sports section in newspapers is way too much for them to handle. If they wanted to participate in a winter sport that people somewhat cared about, they would dediced to become bobsledders or ski jumpers when they were younger.

Less Than 100 Days Until Spring Training is Over

MLB Players are counting down the days until Spring Training is Over.

"Only 98 more days until we finish with this crap" said Adam Dunn.

Spring Training involves long practices that rival skills learned in Little League, pitchers running from the pitchers mound to first base and games more meaningless than college baseball. The players are excited that there are now less than 100 days until the regular season begins where they can take long trips without their significant others. Until then, players will have plenty of time to participate in group steroid sessions.

Canada Still Claims it Can Beat the USA in Snowball Fighting

Just a day after getting embarrassed in a sport that nobody cares about in the United States, the Canadians claim that they can beat the Americans in snowball fights. Canada gets snow 11 months a year, so they can practice year-round while the Americans are fist pumping in the Summer sun.

"We would like to challenge the wimpy Americans to a huge snowball fight" said the country of Canada. "Pick the place. Pick the time. We guarantee to at least come in second place."

While it won't be easy for the Americans, they won't be lacking confidence. A huge snowstorm slammed the Mid-Atlantic states last month which gave kids a few days of practicing throwing snowballs at the paperboy on his bike. However, facing a paperboy and facing the mighty Canadians who are known for throwing good snowballs is completely different. If hockey and snowball fights don't work for Canada, they might end up challenging the United States to non-Olympic sports including snowman building, avalanche sliding, and head-to-head karaoke of Southpark songs.

What Tiger Woods' Speech Looked Like Before It Got Edited

Good morning and thank you for reading me. Many of you in this room pay me. Many of you in this room have lost to me in golf. Many of you have had sex with me. Now every one of you has good reason to be here and watch me read this speech.

I know people want to find out how I could be so selfish. I would like you to look at the girls I've slept with and hopefully you understand.

The hot Swedish Nanny and I have started the process of seeing how I could redeem myself. We have looked at Elin having affairs with other guys. We have looked into me limiting my non-marital relationships to one girl per month. We have a lot to discuss, and I will make sure to have another big speech when we make our decision.

My behavior has caused considerable worry to my business partners. To everyone involved in paying me, I would like to tell you that I plan on kicking more ass than ever when I return to the golf course.

I do plan to return to sleeping with girls one day, I just don't know when that day will be. I don't rule out that it will be this year. I don't rule out that it will be tonight. When I do return, I promise that my relationships will be kept a private matter until a few years after they occur.

Finally, there are many people in this room, and there are many people at home who had sex with me. Today I want to ask for your help. I ask you to be patient until we meet again.

Thank you.

Apolo Anton Ohno's Medals Negated Due to Short Track

Apolo Anton Ohno won his 7th Short Track medal last night, equivalent to 4 medals in the normal long-track speed skating. With the short track being only 4/7th of a long track, Ohno is excited to have won his 4th medal.

"Having won 4 medals sounds so much better than 3 and 3/7th medals" said Ohno while eating a short meatball sub. "I am so excited."

Ohno is hoping to build up endurance for the 2014 Olympics so he can race in the long track speed skating. Until then, Ohno will have to race in tracks made for kids.

NBC Announces New Show, Curling With the Stars

With the success of the hit ABC Show Dancing With the Stars and Curling, NBC has announced its new show, Curling with the Stars. Celebrities including Yao Ming, Pamela Anderson and John McCain will also team up with Olympic athletes in the ultimate curling event.

"I have never played a sport like curling that requires such athletic mobility" said John McCain. "I hope I am in good enough shape to play this rigorous sport."

NBC has been hyping the show as the most competitive sporting event since Fox's Man vs. Beast. Yao Ming is expected to have an advantage, as he is one of the few celebrities in the competition who understands the rules of curling. Pamela Anderson is hoping to use her sex appeal to win over the judge's votes.

Facebook Friday: Facebook statuses of your Favorite Athletes

Tracy McGrady became a fan of Being Traded to Lousy NBA Teams

Tiger Woods is attending Tiger Woods Speech

Allen Iverson is getting another tattoo
Every other player in the NBA likes this

Mike Tyson became a fan of Don't Tell Anyone but I actually like Mens Figure Skating

Michael Phelps Joined the group Let's See If We Can Get 10,000,000 People Who Have No Idea What the Difference Is Between a Triple Toe Loop and a Triple Sowcow

New Jersey Nets Trade Player to WNBA

The New Jersey Nets traded Josh Boone to the New York Liberty, for a player to be named later and more ping pong balls in the NBA Draft Lottery. The Nets still have hope to make the playoffs, and hope that sending one of their worst players to the WNBA sends a message.

"We would like to thank Josh Boone for his help in our 5 wins this season." said Nets GM Kiki Vandeweghe. "We wish Josh the best of look in the locker room with 11 other girls."

Boone is best suited to play in the WNBA where his limited skills but big size should overpower the women. Boone is excited to play on a better team than the Nets and the late-night Slumber parties with the girls.

Chris Kaman wins Best in Show at Dawg Show

Chris Kaman won America's top dawg show Tuesday night, beating out other athletes who look like dogs including Don Zimmer and Gheorghe Muresan. The 27 year-old Kaman was the big favorite, literally, to win Best in Show.

"He's beautiful" said Kaman's handler and Agent, Felix Johannson. "We brushed and cleaned him well before the competition. His tail was wagging the entire night."

Kaman was selected by judge, David Stern. Fans and other dogs accounted for 25% of the vote.

Texas Not Living Up to Expectations in Olympics

The Country of Texas has yet to medal in the Winter Olympics so far. Texans boasted about their great athletes, particularly in football, but have yet to show it in Vancouver.

"Every thing is bigger in Texas" said a random person from the country of the United States. "Being big doesn't make you a good figure skater, luger, or whatever the heck that sport is called where you jump as far as possible on skis."

The country of Texas is currently tied with small countries like Azerbaijan, Kyrgyzstak, and Uzbekistan in the medal count. Texas is waiting for that one moment, where one of their citizens can win gold and their National Anthem will played with their flag raised.

Confused Fans Vote Allen Iverson All-Star Game MVP

Despite playing in only a few games this year and not even playing in the All-Star game, Iverson still managed to get a considerable number of votes to be All-Star MVP.

"I have some of the best fans in the NBA" said Iverson. "I would like to thank my teammates, my Facebook fans, and the people who spent 95 cents per text to vote for me All-Star MVP."

The NBA allows fans to vote for MVP so they can get them involved. However, fans often don't know what's going on and vote based on name-recognition only.

Three Foot Midget Expected to Compete for Slam Dunk Contest Next Year

Nate Robinson, you have competition! A three foot basketball star is expected to compete for the Slam Dunk contest next year according to reports. Nate Robinson, only 5'8'', has won 3 Slam Dunk contests and uses his short height to his advantage. With the addition of a competitor even smaller than Robinson, Robinson has to do something spectacular to win it next year.

"I am actually going to have to do something besides saying that I'm five feet tall and that I can reach rim" said Robinson.

The three foot basketball star is expected to use trampolines and other props in his dunks. Even if he can just reach net, the judges are most likely going to sympathize with him with a score of 50.

Michael Phelps a Favorite to Win Gold in Ice Pond Swimming

Michael Phelps is looking to make history by becoming the first athlete ever to win eight gold medals in both the Summer and Winter Olympics. He won 8 golds in the 2008 Summer Olympics and is hoping to win eight more in the Winter Olympics here in Vancouver.

"I am really looking forward to swimming against polar bears from the North Pole" said Phelps while shivering after a morning swim. "The cold ice water should motivate me to swim faster because the sooner I finish the race, the quicker I can get out of the water."

Phelps starts his Olympic journey tomorrow in the 100m Iceberg Race, a race of 100m in water filled with icebergs. His ultimate challenge will be in the Intimidator Race where racers will have to tread water in the freezing conditions for ten minutes before starting the race.

Facebook Friday: Facebook statuses of your Favorite Athletes

Drew Brees is going to Disneyworld

Peyton Manning is looking for a 9-month job

Rick Pitino became a fan of the New Jersey Nets

NBC became a fan of the Olympics

Michael Vick joined the group Who Let the Dogs Out?

Drew Brees Joins Unemployment Line

Just two days after winning the Super Bowl, Drew Brees has joined the unemployment line.

"I've been trying to keep busy but it's tough not having a job" said Brees while visiting DisneyWorld with his family. "I think I'm going to have a job again next September but it's a seasonal gig for only four months."

Brees is a perfect example of how one can be on top of the world one day and unemployed the next. He is looking for a job until football season starts again next September. Until then, he's passing his resume hoping to get $9.00/hour.

LA Clippers Angry Not To Be The Worst NBA Team Anymore

The longtime worst team in the league are accusing of the New Jersey Nets of taking their territory. The Nets are 4-47, almost as bad as the a random elementary school basketball team in Utah that only has three players on it, are quickly becoming the worst team in the NBA. Meanwhile, the LA Clippers are angry because they've been known as the worst team for a long time and aren't ready to give up that honor.

"We have been the worst team in the NBA for years and nobody can ever take that away from us" said the LA Clippers. "See all the lottery picks on our team? That's because of all of the hard work and dedication."

The season still has a long way to go, so the Nets don't have the prize just yet. The Nets just have to take it one game at a time and keep up their recent level of play.

Saints to Have Parade Celebrating Peyton's Loss

The City of New Orleans has had its share of losing quarterbacks: Archie Manning, Jeff Blake, and Aaron Brooks. Now they will be honoring a losing quarterback on the other team. The Saints will be having a parade through town today honoring the loss by Peyton Manning.

The parade, which started in Miami, will have floats dedicated to Peyton Manning crying, getting sacked, and throwing interceptions. They will also be marching bands encouraging chants such as "Peyton's No Eli", "Peyton Sucks" and "You're Still Better than JaMarcus Russell!"

Millions of Saints fans are expected to show up at the parade to honor a quarterback that has come so far, but lost when it really matters.

New Orleans Fans At Bar Complain About Noise During Commercials

Not everyone in New Orleans was partying last night. Fans at bars in Louisiana complained about the amount of noise during the commercial breaks during the game. Many fans had gone out to the bars to watch the most anticipated part of Super Bowl night, the commercials.

"I went to the sports bar in my neighborhood so I could watch the Bud Lite commercials on the big screen HD televisions" said a Saints fan. "Unfortunately during the commercials, people started talking about the actual football game. I should have just watched them on my small tv at home."

Saints fans hope that the team doesn't make the big game next year so when they go to the bars to watch the commercials, there will be a lot less interest in the game and more interest in the 30 second spots of animals singing and cameo appearances by Tim Tebow and Charles Barkley.

10 Products You Probably Won't See in Super Bowl Commercials

Most people not from Indianapolis or New Orleans will be watching the game for the halftime show, clips of Kim Kardashian in the stands, and the television commercials. We don't want to get your hopes up so here are 10 things you probably won't see advertised for tonight during the game:

1. Concussions
2. JaMarcus Russell jerseys
3. John McCain for President
4. Super Bowl Halftime Highlights DVD with clips of Janet Jackson
5. Detroit Lions championship gear
6. Napster
7. A book called "Refereeing tips" written by Tim Donaghy
8. A $2 million commercial for the Dollar Store
9. The Late Show With Conan O'Brien
10. The 2010 Pro Bowl

Colts Hoping to Not Have AFC Hangover After Pro Bowl Win

Just a week after a huge victory in the most important Pro Bowl game ever because it wasn't played in Hawaii, the Indianapolis Colts say that the win is in the past and they're focusing exclusively on the Saints. However, they admit that it has been hard to focus after such a big victory.

"After beating the entire conference last week, playing just one team is tough to prepare for" said Peyton Manning. "I didn't even play last week and we still beat the All-Stars. Now I get to play all 4 quarters and we play against some so-so players who aren't Pro Bowlers? This is going to be a piece of cake."

Meanwhile, the Saints are hoping to learn from the NFC's mistakes last week. After a tough loss in last week's Pro Bowl, the Saints are hoping to redeem themselves and their conference in the Super Bowl

Facebook Friday, Super Bowl Edition

Peyton Manning is attending Super Bowl Parade in Indianapolis
Joseph Addai likes this

Drew Brees joined the group Peyton Manning is Overrated

Reggie Bush joined the group Who is Performing at the Superbowl Halftime Show?

Marques Colston became a fan of R.I.P. Hofstra Football

New Orleans Saints joined the group We're #2! We're #2!

Philip Rivers, Rex Ryan, and 87 other friends became a fan of Super Bowl Betting

National Signing Day: Why Recruits Choose the Schools They Do:

1. Opportunity to get paid and not get caught
2. The head coach personally visited their homes, met with their family and had the best Yo Mama jokes.
3. Some random fan Super Poked them on Facebook so they had no choice
4. A cool mascot, logo, and a large marching band!
5. Opportunity to learn from past All-Americans like Maurice Clarett
6. Cheerleading Parties!

Random Player Named 2056th Best Prospect by Baseball America

Felix Mendez has been named the 2056th by Baseball America, an honor that many experts are saying is undeserved. Message boards across the country say that the ranking is all based on potential, and Mendez hasn't done enough to proven himself. The overwhelming opinion of baseball fans is that Mendez might eventually pan out to being that good, but as of now, he doesn't belong anywhere close to the top 2100.

"Mendez had an average season last year, giving him the opportunity to play at the same level in 2010" said assistant general manager Jason Johnson. "He's a bottom of the order table setter who can advance to second when pitchers bunt him over. When he makes good contact, he can easily hit the ball out of the infield. We are very excited about the future, especially if we can trade him to get someone better in return."

Tony Romo and Wade Philips Can't Win Pro Bowls Either

By losing in the Pro Bowl, Tony Romo and Wade Philips proved that not only can they not win an important game in December, but they can't win meaningless games the day before February either. Romo went 13-18 in the game with one interception, while Philips stood on the sidelines and accumulated no stats.

"We are extremely embarrassed that we couldn't win this game against an AFC team that didn't have Peyton Manning, Tom Brady, Philip Rivers, Ben Roethlisberger, and other every other quarterback in the conference" said Romo. "I will work all offseason so I can win the Pro Bowl next year."

Romo stood with his head held up high, stating that at least this year, he won't lose a meaningless February game played in Hawaii as well.

Tim Tebow Hopes to Impress NFL Scouts Just As Much As JaMarcus Russell Did

Tim Tebow is working extremely hard to prove to NFL scouts that he will be a successful NFL Quarterback. Many scouts are questioning his arm strength and ability to play in a pro-style offense. Tebow is working with strength coaches to prove to scouts that he has just as much potential as former #1 NFL pick, JaMarcus Russell.

"I believe that I should be drafted just as high as JaMarcus Russell did before he became one of the biggest busts in NFL history" said Tebow. "I am marketable, have broken numerous records in college, and deserve the media attention and contract that being the #1 pick gets."

Tebow claims that his stats are even better than Russell's was during college. Tebow guarantees that his career will be better than Russell, although teams who actually agree with him are still hesitant to take him on day one.

Roger Federer Wins Insomnia Open

Roger Federer defeated Andy Murray in the Insomnia Open in straight sets last night. The match started at 3:30am EST. Federer has proven to be the greatest tennis player of this generation, even when matches start at strange times due to the time difference between the United States and Australia.

"Just because the match started at 3:30am on the east coast of the United States, I didn't want to use that as an excuse" said Federer as he was sipping on coffee. "24 hours a day, I want to prove I'm the best."

Federer and his fans are looking forward to tournaments played in the United States, where the tennis will start at a more normal time. Until then, ESPN will just have to compete with the Girls Gone Wild Paid Programming that the other stations are showing at that time.

Kurt Warner Beats Favre in Race to Retire First

Kurt Warner has defeated Brett Favre in a race to retire first. Warner is doing everything he can do to improve his resume to make the Hall of Fame, and announcing his retirement before Favre shows to voters that he can make decisions quickly.

"I would like to retire today before Brett Favre retires" said Warner in his press conference. "I am hoping the media focuses on my accomplishments before the Super Bowl and before Favre retires. Those two events will overshadow my incredible underrated achievements."

This is Warner's first official retirement from the NFL, however he did take an indefinite leave of absence early in his career when he was released by the Green Bay Packers. With only one official retirement, Warner is hoping that stat convinces Hall of Fame voters that he is a Hall of Famer. For now, Warner has to wait five years as he makes appearances boosting his accomplishments.

Facebook Friday: News Feeds of Your Favorite Athletes

Allen Iverson became a fan of NBA All-Star Voting

Gilbert Arenas has no plans tonight. Who wants to hang out?

Gilbert Arenas and Conan O'Brien are now friends

Lebron James joined the group I kicked a water bottle and got fined $25,000

Matt Schaub is playing in the biggest game of his life this weekend!

Andre Dawson Goes Into the H.O.F. as a Denver Bear, the AAA Team

Andre Dawson will be inducted into the Hall of Fame as a Denver Bear, the AAA team he played with for one season in 1976. Dawson tore the league up, batting .350 with 20 home runs. He also had 10 stolen bases and a slugging percentage of over .700 with the team before getting called up to the Big Leagues.

"I spoke to the museum last night and told them what my preference was" said Dawson. "I really enjoyed facing inferior competition and the people I met playing in Denver. It was definitely the highlight of my career."

The Hall announced its decision yesterday, emphasizing the great affiliates of Major League clubs. Without playing so well in Denver, Dawson would have never gotten to chance to prove himself later at the big league level.

South Carolina Takes Down the John Wall

21 years after the Berlin Wall was taken down, another wall has been destroyed. The South Carolina Gamecocks have taken down the John Wall, after months of it being considered indestructible. The historic event was mentioned on espn.com, newscasts in Lexington, Kentucky and on Zaiger's Sports of Sorts. The historic event shows the world that a group of lousy students can come together for a common cause, tackle new challenges, and make a lot of people rich in Las Vegas and on Sportsbook.com.

The John Wall has been taken down for now but there are rumors that it will be rebuilt better than ever from this shocking event. In the postgame news conference, Kentucky said that the John Wall will only become stronger after this disappointment.

NFL Runs Out of Players in Pro Bowl, Tim Tebow Voted In

Soon to be Jacksonville Jaguar Tim Tebow has been voted into his first Pro Bowl, becoming the first player in NFL history to play in the Pro Bowl before playing in the NFL. With half the AFC Pro Bowl team playing in the Super Bowl instead, the AFC had to scramble to find star players who fans know.

"It is important to get names that fans have heard of" said NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell. "It is a huge risk to move the Pro Bowl to the week before the Super Bowl so we're hoping that Tim Tebow's good looks will get us huge ratings."

Tebow is expected to be a replacement many times in his career, as the Jaguars are never expected to make it all the way to the Super Bowl.

Colts Say Wearing AFC Championship Gear Not a Goal of Their's

The Colts refused to wear AFC Championship Shirts and Hats after their win yesterday against the Jets, insisting that it should be donated with the Jets gear to poor countries in Africa...or a team that has never won anything like the Houston Texans.

"Making history and winning the AFC title game was never a goal of the team" said head coach Jim Caldwell. "When we achieve our only goal of the year in two weeks which is to win the Super Bowl, we will gladly wear the Super Bowl championship merchandise."

Colts fans will still be able to purchase these meaningless hats and shirts for $20 each. Suppliers are eager to get rid of them before the Colts win the Super Bowl in two weeks and they become even more meaningless. For those fans who want to save some money, wait a few weeks and you can get it a lot cheaper on Ebay when the Super Bowl stuff will be more in demand.

Drew Brees to Rest for Super Bowl During NFC Title Game

FANTASY FOOTBALL ALERT: Drew Brees will sit during the NFC Title Game, so he can be rested for the Super Bowl. With a weekoff next Sunday, Brees will have another 3 week break, just like he did to end the season. With the Saints playing at home and the fans on their side, the Saints believe that there is no way they will lose today.

Backup quarterback Mark Brunell will face the Vikings, equalizing the experience and knowledge of the just as old quarterback he's facing in Brett Favre. The goal for the Saints this year hasn't been to win the NFC Title Game, but it's been to win the Super Bowl. They don't want Brees to get injured in a meaningless game when they have the biggest game of their lives in two weeks against the Colts.

Tiger Woods Wishing the Sex Rehab Employees Were Hotter

According to TMZ, Tiger Woods is disappointed that the girls working at the Grove Behavioral Health and Addiction Services in Mississippi aren't horny and good-looking. Woods is paying $60,000 for the program and for that type of money, Woods expected the female employees to be performing sexual favors frequently.

Tiger only has a few weeks left in sex rehab, before he gets to return to the wildlife and feast on any girl he likes. For now, he is hoping the organization hires new female employees, or more female patients enter the rehab facility. Woods' has a "taste" for females with sex addictions, according to his dating history.

Facebook Friday: News Feeds of Your Favorite Athletes

Mark McGwire left the group I Have Never Taken Steroids, Period
Sammy Sosa and Barry Bonds Like This

Miguel Cabrera joined the group I Don't Remember What Happened Last Night

Kobe Bryant became a fan of I Have 5,000 Less Points than Wilt Chamberlain girls

New York Yankees is attending 2010 World Series

Rex Ryan is hoping that Curtis Painter plays this week

Mark Sanchez became a fan of Nate Kaeding

UNC Basketball Tanking to Get #1 Pick in NCAA Draft

The North Carolina Tar Heels are tanking in an effort to get the #1 pick in the NCAA Draft so they can get the top recruit for one season before they leave for the NBA. The Tar Heels lost to Wake Forest last night, losing their 3rd straight game. Without a realistic chance to win the championship, the Tar Heels are looking towards the future.

"We make our players look bad so NBA scouts aren't impressed with them" said Coach Roy Williams. "If we can convince our recruits that our current players suck, they will be under the impression that they'll get playing time when they arrive."

North Carolina's next basketball game is against NC State. The rest of their schedule is against the tough ACC, teams who they're not competing against for that #1 pick. If the Tar Heels had to do it all over again, they would have lost to non-conference foes Presbyterian, Marshall and Albany to give them an advantage to get that pick. However, they did help their cause by losing to the College of Charleston on January 4th.

Fox to Air Cowboys Losing 5x A Week at 10pm

Fox hit the jackpot last week when the Cowboys got blown out by the Minnesota Vikings, 34-3. Over 19 million fans watched the game and Fox is hoping those fans remain loyal to the show. Stealing a similar strategy from NBC, Fox will be showing Cowboy losses 5 times a week at 10pm EST starting next month.

"We will do whatever it takes to get good ratings and crush those other stations" said a representative from Fox. "We know that most of America likes it when the Cowboys lose so we are going to show them what they want."

At first, Fox will show games where the Cowboys get blown out in. That will develop into games that they choked, games they were supposed to win, and other embarrassing Cowboy moments. If the ratings remain high for Cowboy losses, look for Fox to show Yankee losses at 9pm leading up to the Dallas game.

Texas Basketball Rests Players for NCAA Tournament

The Texas Longhorns basketball team lost to Kansas State last night but according to head coach Rick Barnes, going undefeated was not a goal of the team.

"Our goal from day one was to win the Super Bowl, I mean the NCAA tournament" said coach Barnes. "We have invested a lot of money from agents and cars bought for recruits to get them to come to Texas and win the championship."

After basically locking up a bid in the NCAA Tournament after game 5 of the season, Texas has been preparing for March Madness. Players will rest the rest (pun intended) of the season to give their bodies rest (pun intended again) for the grueling six games in four weeks that happens in March.

Colts to Start Manning Over Painter Against the Jets

According to coach Jim Caldwell, the Colts plan to start Peyton Manning and play him all 4 quarters next week against the Jets. The two teams faced off in Week 16, with Manning playing the first half, while Curtis Painter played most of the second half. Apparently, there is no quarterback controversy in Indy.

"We have looked at a lot of film of that game and we believe that Peyton gives us the best chance to win" said Caldwell. "Manning has the post season experience, he's a perennial Pro Bowler, and has appeared in a lot more commercials than Painter."

In the matchup against the Jets last decade, Manning put up better numbers than Painter. He went 14-21 for 192 yards, while Painter went 4-11 for 44 yards. However, don't be surprised to see Painter play if the Colts get a big lead and start resting their star players.

Tiger Woods Playing Tiger Woods PGA Tour Video Game to Stay in Shape

Tiger Woods has been spotted playing Tiger Woods PGA Tour 2010 on his wii, implying that he might be coming back to the tour sooner rather than later. According to stalkers with binoculars, Tiger was seen practicing his swing and shooting in the 60's on his Wii, although he did set it at the easiest level.

Even if Tiger doesn't want to be seen in public playing golf, he can enter golf tournaments on the wii and compete against the best players in the world. He has already broken many PGA Tour records, so he might want to conquer other challenges. Since the wii has only been around for a few years, records are a lot more achievable than those of the PGA Tour which has been around for decades.

Recruit Chooses USC to Spend Redshirt Year with Lane Kiffin

Steve Recruit has chosen USC over Florida, Florida State, Miami, South Florida and Central Florida, and is excited to be a Trojan. Most of all, he is excited to redshirt next year under Lane Kiffin and then hopes that USC hires a good coach when Kiffin leaves for another job.

"I couldn't be more excited to spend my redshirt year learning under Kiffin" said Recruit. "He has coached with the Raiders, Tennessee, and some other great places for one year. This is going to be the best year of my life!"

Recruit is keeping his options open for his real freshman year after Kiffin leaves. He has already made a list of potential transfer schools if he doesn't like who USC hires when Kiffin quits after his first season.

Facebook Friday: News Feeds of Your Favorite Athletes

LANE KIFFIN became a fan of Trojan Condoms
Matt Leinart likes this

TOM CABLE joined the group I Have Less Job Security than Conan O'Brien

Chad Ochocinco became a fan of 75% of the Earth is covered by water, the rest is covered by Darrelle Revis

NOBODY became a fan of Sports of Sorts

ALEX RODRIGUEZ poked Kate Hudson

GILBERT ARENAS became a fan of Plaxico Burress, Michael Vick, and 184 Other Profiles

TIGER WOODS is taking an indefinite leave of absence from being alive. I'll come out of hiding eventually.

DAVID TYREE joined the Group I put Gum on My Helmet

East Carolina Rushes the Court After Covering Spread

The Pirates of East Carolina rushed the court yesterday, after losing 77-57 to Memphis and covering the 21.5 point spread. Memphis took a quick 23 point lead, which resulted in a nail biter for the remainder of the game. As the second half came to an end and each point got more important, each team put in their worst players, almost as if they didn't care about the point spread. A basket by some random guy on East Carolina that nobody has ever heard of scored the winning basket to lower the deficit to less than 21.5 points.

The covering of the spread was a huge accomplishment for a team like East Carolina, who is building their program to cover spreads more often against teams like Memphis. The covering of the spread will do wonders for the team, as recruits know they're just as good as the odds makers make them out to be.

Reasons Why Pete Carroll Left USC for Seattle

1. He can now lure players with cash and cars...legally this time

2. The USC Song Girls get boring. Time for some new Sea Gals.

3. Starbucks!

4. He can start recruiting 8 year olds and not have to worry about UCLA

5. No longer has to play teams from the state of Oregon

Mark McGwire Finally Admits He Sucked At Everything Besides Hitting Home Runs

If't been 1552 days since Mark McGwire wanted to talk about the future but I guess he's had enough of all that 2012 end of the world talk, so he decided to admit something about his past. It's been eight years since he retired from baseball because nobody wanted him, and he's finally decided to be honest with himself: "I sucked at everything except hitting Home Runs."

"I wish I had never hit a home run. It was foolish and it was a mistake" McGwire wrote on his Twitter account. "I wish I focused on my speed so I could have been like Ricky Henderson. The Ricky Hendersons of the world are making the Hall of Fame these days. People who have hit home runs like myself, Sammy Sosa and Barry Bonds are not."

McGwire truly did suck at everything except hitting runs. He didn't hit a triple between 1989-1998. Not once in 1994 did he sacrifice his body by allowing the ball to hit him so he could advance to first, ironic because he was sacrificing his body by taking steroids. He had no stolen bases in 2001, the final straw in getting McGwire to retire following that season. For once, a star like McGwire has told the truth and nothing but the truth: he really sucked besides hitting home runs.

Arrogant Fans Go 0-3 In Wild Card Weekend

With the Giants not making the playoffs and the Eagles, Packers and Patriots losing this weekend, the most arrogant fans in the NFL no longer have a team to root in the NFL playoffs. TV Networks are hoping these arrogant fans still watch the rest of the playoffs, even if their selfish ego-driven players aren't playing. Fans of the other teams who have better sportsmanship and more realistic expectations are rejoicing.

"No longer do I have to hear about how much my team sucks" said a New York Jets fan whose girlfriend was crying next to him in her Eli Manning jersey. At a local bar in Baltimore, a group of 12 people dressed like purple grapes chanted "na na na na, na na na, hey hey hey, good bye."

Meanwhile, these arrogant fans, aka LOSERS, are quickly looking ahead to other sports where they can trash talk and tell other fans that their team is unbeatable. Giants fans are walking the streets of Manhattan wearing their 2009 Yankees World Series shirts. Eagles fans are walking the streets of Philadelphia wearing their 2008 World Series Phillie hats. The Patriot fans are walking around Boston wearing their 2008 Celtics NBA Champion sweatshirts. Lastly, Packers are walking around holding a pile of swiss cheese.

Tony Romo Extends Playoff Win Streak to One

With the win over the Philadelphia Eagles last night, Tony Romo extended his career-long playoff win streak to one. In a case of what have you done for me lately, Romo is now considered the best quarterback in Texas, slightly beating out injured Colt McCoy and some 5-Star High School QB with a cannon of an arm that you've never heard of.

Romo tried to downplay the streak in his postgame press conference, claiming that he hasn't been keeping track of how many playoff wins he has in a row, as he's just been taking it one game at a time. Romo will look to extend the streak to two games next week where he can enlarge his legend-status even more. However, if Romo should lose, nobody can blame him because everyone knows you can't win every game.

The Curse of the Matsui Getting Stronger

It's been over 60 days since the New York Yankees last won the World Series, and the curse of the Matsui seems to be getting bigger and bigger. The pressure from the fans and media built immediately after the Yankees decided not to resign the World Series MVP. The Red Sox had to deal with the curse of the Bambino after getting rid of Babe Ruth, and the Yankees are now dealing with similar spirits.

"It's one thing to get rid of Babe Ruth because nobody knew exactly how good he'd be" said ObnoxiousYanksFan2000 on an internet message board. "However, there's no excuse to giving up on the World Series MVP. The World Series Gods are never going to send their good spirits ever again after disrespecting them like that."

At first, many people didn't pay attention to the curse, as they thought the Yankees were just going into a slump. However, the longer the Yankees go without winning a World Series, the more and more people are jumping on the bandwagon and joining the Facebook group.

Colt McCoy Petitions NCAA to Give Him One More Game of Eligibility

Playing just two series in the first quarter in last night's BCS Title Game before getting injured, Colt McCoy has petitioned the NCAA to give him one more game of eligibility. Touted as a top NFL draft selection, McCoy wants to fulfill his promise to Mack Brown that he'll complete his four years of eligibility. McCoy wants to do whatever it takes to win the national championship next season.

"After a great deal of careful thought standing on the sideline for the past few hours, I have decided to return to Texas and play my final game" said McCoy. "I am very excited about this team, its returning players, and the lack of quality quarterbacks in next year's draft class."

Just because McCoy wants to come back to Texas, it doesn't mean the NCAA will allow it. Rumors from the NCAA's headquarters in Indianapolis show that most NCAA officials don't want to give him a full-game of eligibility, but will instead make him sit out the first two series of the game he plays in, to make up for the two series he played in last night. Either way, look for McCoy to hire an agent and lawyer to fight on his behalf against the NCAA.

NY Giants Eager to Prove Naysayers Wrong

The New York Giants say they are motivated by those who think they aren't going to win the Super Bowl this year. The NFL doesn't even have them playing this week. To make it even worse, Las Vegas doesn't even have odds for them to win the Super Bowl. The Giants started the season 4-0.

"It's not how you start the season but how you end it" said Giants coach Tom Coughlin. The Giants have posted articles in their locker room which discuss how the Giants are preparing for the off season. Coach Coughlin said he's not worried about the off season yet. "We have playoff games the next few weeks, the Super Bowl, and who can forge the important Pro Bowl in Florida this year. Then we'll worry about the off season and our extremely tough preseason next year."

According to the Playoff Pickem Challenge on ESPN.com, 0% of fans are selecting the Giants to win the Superbowl. With an us against the world attitude, the Giants are trying to figure out how to get to the Superbowl and prove the doubters wrong.

Facebook News Feeds of Your Favorite Athletes

ELI MANNING is attending Superbowl Viewing Party at My House
Brandon Marshall and Ben Roethlisberger like this

GILBERT ARENAS and PLAXICO BURRESS became a fan of Washington Bullets

CHARLIE WEIS became a fan of McDonalds, Burger King, Taco Bell and 16 other profiles

CENTRAL MICHIGAN is attending Meaningless Bowl Game Played in Between Orange Bowl and BCS Title Game

NEW YORK METS became a fan of Bill Buckner

TIM DONAGHY became a fan of Sportsbook.com

MAURICE JONES-DREW joined the Group Fantasy Football is Dumb

LEBRON JAMES became a fan of The New York Knicks

Usain Bolt Inspired by Cool Runnings

Usain Bolt has posted a message on his Twitter account that he is looking for 3 Jamaicans to form a bobsledding team with him. Based on the movie Cool Runnings, he knows that track stars make the best bobsledders, and nobody is faster than him. Bolt won 3 track & field gold medals in the 2008 Olympics, and is eager to participate in the 2010 Winter Olympics next month.

Bolt is asking people in Jamaica if they know of any bookies on the island who may have been kicked out of the sport of bobsledding because of a cheating scandal. Bolt is looking for a coach and knows that these cheating bookies make the best coaches. He also is looking for a push cart driver to round out the team with him.

College Bowl Mascot Matchups, January 4-7

Tostitos Fiesta Bowl: Broncos (Boise State) vs. Horned Frogs (TCU)
According to the very accurate web site Wikipedia, a bronco is an untrained horse that is unpredictably wild. Frogs can be slimy, and hard to catch, but they'll be match for a bunch of broncos. Just one step and that bronco will crush the frog and his horn to death. If the horned frogs can even survive the full 60 minutes, the broncos will inevitably score more beats.

FedEx Orange Bowl: Hawkeyes (Iowa) vs. Yellow Jackets (Georgia Tech)
Apparently, a Hawkeye is the nickname of the Delaware Indians that lived in the Iowa area in a novel. Yellow Jackets are so small that the Hawkeyes are going to have a hard time catching up to them. The yellow jackets won't be able to tackle the Hawkeyes, but they should have no problem stinging them and getting them to the ground because the Hawkeyes probably won't carry bug repellent with them to the stadium. We'll take the yellow jackets in what some would consider an upset.

GMAC Bowl: Chippewas (Central Michigan) vs. Trojans (Troy)
Another Native American group, the Chippewas will have a hard time facing the swords of the Trojans. Take the Trojans in this one.

Citi BCS National Title Game: Crimson Tide (Alabama) vs. Longhorns (Texas)
For a national championship game, you would think of things like bulls or buffalos but we're stuck with what we got. There was a movie called "Crimson Tide" a few years ago. You have to be real good for them to make a movie about you; just look at the Mighty Ducks and Coach Bombay. A long horn can poke you, but it doesn't have the mystique of a movie. If you've ever seen sports movies, you know that the good team always wins. We'll take the Crimson Tide to win the national championship.

NFL Fans Demand Playoff System to Determine Wild Cards, Not Tiebreakers

NFL fans are sick of tiebreakers determining the wild card teams, so they're hoping the NFL changes the rules in the future to have a playoff system to determine teams who are tied. Heading into the final day of NFL play, the Jets, Ravens, Broncos, Dolphins, Steelers, Texans, Jaguars, and probably some more than I forgot are fighting for the two wild card spots in the AFC.

With so many teams competing for those two spots, a tie between multiple teams will inevitably occur. When that happens, a computer will figure out the lucky teams through complicated tiebreakers that nobody really understands. The two selected teams that the computerized tiebreakers randomly select will get the privilege of losing to the New England Patriots and Cincinnati Bengals in the first round of the playoffs. The fans want the teams who are tied to battle it out on the field, rather than through computers. Until then, they'll just have to live with the team whose opponents had the toughest schedule in conference play or some random tiebreaker like that.

Tim Tebow Wins AP Athlete of the Decade, So Far

Tim Tebow has been named Athlete of the Decade So Far by the Media, the females of Florida, and everyone in the "Tim Tebow is God" Facebook group. Tebow has been spectacular this decade, having gone undefeated including winning the MVP in the 2010 Sugar Bowl. In the decade so far, Tebow has averaged four touchdowns per game, 482 passing yards per game, and has never thrown an interception. More importantly, his team has never lost.

Just like all of the games that Tebow has played this decade, the voting wasn't close whatsoever. The Chosen One was #1 on every ballot, including God's. Some random quarterback that isn't as good as Tebow that played on New Year's Day 2010 came in 2nd place.

Few athletes have been so good-looking and good at their sport this decade. Fox had a Tebow-Cam during their Sugar Bowl win against Cincinnati where stalkers got to go online and watch Tim Tebow's every movement on the sidelines. Tebow is expected to be drafted in the 2010 NFL Draft where teams probably won't play him, but will promise their fans that he'll play so they can sell tickets and merchandise.

College Bowl Mascot Matchups, January 1-3

Outback Bowl: Wildcats (Northwestern) vs. Tigers (Auburn)
In a matchup of similar animals, wild cats might be wild but tigers are ferocious and big. Big > Wild. Tigers will win this one.

Capital One Bowl: Nittany Lions (Penn State) vs. Tigers (LSU)
In a rivalry game between lions and tigers (no bears!), this one can go either way. It's really 50/50 but we'll go with the Nittany Lions because Mufasa in the Lion King is way cooler than Tigger.

Konica Minolta Gator Bowl: Mountaineers (West Virginia) vs. Seminoles (Florida State)
In a game filled with unathletic groups of people, we'll take the Mountaineer. The last time we checked, football players don't use bow and arrows so the Seminoles are at a severe disadvantage. They were forced from the Southeast to Oklahoma many years ago and will have nightmares coming back to the homeland. The Mountaineers will win this one ugly.

Rose Bowl Game: Buckeyes (Ohio State) vs. Ducks (Oregon)
Like everyone who doesn't live in Ohio, we had no idea what the heck a buckeye was. A few definitions: the inedible nutlike seed of the horse chestnut and a breed of a chicken seemed to be the two most popular results on Google search. Ducks are very small and honestly, we can't see them tackling anybody. Since they probably have no idea what a buckeye is either, they'll have a hard time preparing for them. We'll take the unknown buckeye over a bunch of Quack Quacks.

Allstate Sugar Bowl: Bearcats (Cincinnati) vs. Gators (Florida)
A bearcat is neither a bear nor a cat, making it more of a flip-flopper than Brett Favre. However, New Orleans is no longer under water meaning that the Gators are going to have a hard time surviving. For that reason, we'll take the "bearcats."

Papajohns.com Bowl: Bulls (South Florida) vs. Huskies (UConn)
Bulls are big bruising animals who would be hard to take down. Meanwhile, huskies are sled dogs. Unfortunately for them, the game will be taking place in Alabama where snow is not expected. For that reason, we think the bulls will win the game and eat Papa Johns pizza to celebrate the victory.

AT&T Cotton Bowl: Cowboys (Oklahoma State) vs. Rebels (Ole Miss)
With AT&T dropping Tiger Woods yesterday, wouldn't it be ironic if the tigers were playing in this game? Cowboys are smart, deceitful, and even play in the NFL. The rebels will rebel against our prediction because we think the Cowboys will win. There's a reason they play in the NFL.

AutoZone Liberty Bowl: Razorbacks (Arkansas) vs. Pirates (East Carolina)
A bunch of rugged pigs and boars against a group that had movies made about them in the Caribbean. Last we checked, Memphis is not in the Caribbean. The Razorbacks are located near Memphis so they'll be more familiar with the area. We like the home-field advantage, as the pirates normally don't carry GPS's with them on their ships. Go Hogs!

Valero Alamo Bowl: Spartans (Michigan State) vs. Red Raiders (Texas Tech)
Spartans have experience fighting in wars and winning them. However, so do Raiders. The ultimate matchup in the battle of the gridiron, we'll take the Red Raiders because Red is our favorite color.