Denard Span Fouls Ball Off of Mark Buehrle's Mother

After striking out twice against Mark Buehrle, Denard Span fouled a ball in his third at-bat and hit Mark Buehrle's mother right in the face. Mrs. Buehrle, wearing her son's jersey, was shaken but ok.

"Buehrle was throwing these nasty pitches so I had to do something to take him off his game" said Span.

After fouling the ball off of Buehrle's mother, Span was walked on four straight pitches. None of the pitches were anywhere close to the strike zone.

Saint John's to Hire Saint John to be New Basketball Coach

The Saint John's University basketball team has decided to hire St. John as their new basketball coach. Terms of the agreement were not disclosed.

"Saint John brings the skill set and personality that we feel gives us a chance to compete at the highest level in the Big East" said St. John's Athletic Director Chris Monasch. "He has the resume and experience that we were looking for."

Vincent de Paul, also known as St. John, was a Catholic priest who was born in 1581. He has dedicated his life to serving the poor. St. John hopes that his team continues his community service and become more than just lousy Big East basketball players. If Saint John can't win basketball games at his own university, many New Yorkers feel like the program will be a lost cause.

Autistic Boy Chooses Duke to the Final Four Perfectly

He predicted Duke to beat Arkansas Arkansas Pine Bluff. He correctly selected Duke over Louisville (Duke actually beat Louisville but at least he got the winner right.) He selected Duke to advance to the Elite 8 and then selected them to beat Villanova (they beat Baylor instead.) Now Joseph Alexander, an Autistic teenager from Indianapolis is celebrating his correct selection of picking #1 Duke to the final four.

"I'm really good at math" said Joseph. "Since Duke was the #1 seed in their bracket, I decided to take them in every game leading to the final four."

Unfortunately for Joseph, the rest of his bracket isn't doing as well. He decided to use the same math to pick the other #1 seeds incorrectly to the final four.

UConn Women's Basketball Team Plays Ball Like a Girl

"You Play Ball Like a Girl!" That's what opponents of UConn's women's basketball team is saying against them. The team has not lost in about 3723 games and other teams are using intimidation as a desperate attempt to scare them.

UConn doesn't seem offended by the comment, as many enemies have said the same thing to the players ever since they were young. However, when the Huskies defeat their opponents by 40-50 points, the opposing team often says that they play like men in their postgame press conferences.

Kansas State to Play its Butler Today in Elite Eight

In a game that will decide who gets to go to the Final Four, Kansas state will face its Butler tonight in the Elite Eight. The Wildcats have won four games and are only one game away from reaching the Final Four.

"Our butler is a good friend of ours but once we hit the court, we will want to win the game just like if we were playing an enemy" said Kansas State coach Frank Martin.

"We have nothing but the upmost respect for our masters, Kansas State" said Butler coach Brad Stevens. "However, this is our chance to show that even a butler can have its one shining moment."

Terrelle Pryor to Join the Basketball Team

The Ohio State Buckeyes are bringing out all the stops tonight against Tennessee. They will be introducing a new played named Terrelle Pryor, their quarterback. Pryor played basketball in high school but decided to pursue football instead.

"I am going to prove that Lebron James is not the only person who can play basketball and football" said Pryor while sitting on his bench. "I hope the game's a blowout so I can showoff my skills."

Tennessee has started to scram for scouting videos of Pryor. They have requested videos of Pryor playing football against Michigan. They are also looking for videos of Pryor playing other high schools in Pennsylvania.

Tiger Woods to have Swedish Bikini Model Caddie at the Masters

Tiger Woods has announced that his caddie for the upcoming masters will be a Swedish bikini models.

"Swedish bikini models have had a great impact on my life" said Tiger. "I can't wait for more of them to be with me when I enter the next stage of my life."

Tiger has not announced which Swedish bikini model he will choose to be his caddie. However, the girl will most likely be Swedish, good looking, and probably blonde.

NFL Changes Coin Toss Format in Overtime Games

The NFL has changed its overtime format in postseason games, attempting to reduce the impact of teams winning the coin toss. In overtime games only, the home team will also be able to call the coin flip if they lose the coin flip called by the away team. If the visiting team should win both coin flips, they get to choose if they want the ball or not. If each team wins one coin flip, the whole process will begin again.

The new system, approved Tuesday, eliminates the possibility of a team losing the coin toss without getting the opportunity to call heads of tails. The league's owners voted 32-0 to ratify the chance.

"This has been long overdue" said Vikings Runningback Adrian Peterson. "I hated it when the other team called heads and it was heads, and they won the coin toss. Now at least it's fair because we can call heads or toss on the second toss."

The Worst Bracket: Teen Gets 1st Two Rounds Completely Wrong

Steve Johnson, a teenager from Hoboken, New Jersey is absolutely zero so far in picking the NCAA tournament.

Ohio over Georgetown? He missed it.
Wake Forest over Texas? He missed it
Syracuse over Vermont? He missed it.

The odds of picking the first two rounds completely wrong is one in 13,460,000. Once he missed all of the games in the first round, Steve knew the rest of his bracket was busted. "It's kinda hard to win a game when you don't have the two teams playing" he said. Steve's final four consists of Georgetown, Vanderbilt, Temple, and Notre Dame, all teams that lost in the first round. However, he is hoping to win the tiebreaker as he thinks the final game will have 143 points in it.

Northern Iowa Plays Ball Like a Girl named Cinderella

How does it feel to beat the #1 team in the tournament, only for America to say you play like a girl named Cinderella? That's exactly how the Northern Iowa Panthers feel.

"When we beat Kansas, we thought we were going to be praised for our hard work but instead, everyone told us that we play like a girl" said Northern Iowa player Jordan Eglseder. "That just motivates us to play harder."

Meanwhile, Kansas was not only embarrassed that they lost to a mid-major team, but they lost to a team full of girls. Now it's Michigan State's chance to play a team full of Cinderellas.

Cornell Basketball Players Disappointed About Missing More Class

First was it only a few days, now it's a few weeks. After defeating the Wisconsin Badgers in Jacksonville 87-69, the Cornell Big Red scrambled to get an excuse note to their professors for the upcoming week, hoping that it doesn't influence their grades too much. After spending last week in Florida, the win over Wisconsin means that the Cornell basketball team will spend another week focusing on basketball instead of academics.

"I was really excited to learn about the earth's atmosphere" in my Earth Science class said Cornell Basketball player Ryan Wittman. "I really hope to attend this class next semester even when I'm not taking it so I can make up for the knowledge that I've lost."

Report: Busted Brackets to Cause Depression

The suicide rate among active March Madness pool participates is on pace to surpass the last three March Madnesses combined. The early upsets of Georgetown, Villanova, New Mexico and Kansas has busted many brackets before the Sweet 16 has even began. Officials claim that if the upset trend continues, the depression rate will increase as more and more brackets get tossed.

"Spending hours filling out your brackets, only for a random team like St. Marys and Northern Iowa to ruin it will cause anxiety, stress, and depression" said March Madness Psychologist, Richard Vittal.

However, the depression has not affected the female population at the same alarming rate as men because quite frankly, they don't know what they're doing when they're filling out their bracket. For that reason, many of them picked Ohio to defeat Georgetown and Washington to beat New Mexico because they had better mascots.

White Basketball Players Start Their Own WNBA

White basketball players are excited about the White National Basketball Association, starting in the fall of 2010. The new WNBA will feature white players who mostly played at Ivy League schools or at Duke in college, and would rather play professionally in the United States than in Israel.

"I am so excited to play in this league" said former Syracuse star Jerry McNamara.

JJ Redick, a player who has played in the NBA, is expected to be the #1 pick in the league. He is expected to show off his shooting skills, without having to worry about the athleticism of the real NBA.

Some Guy Named Robert Morris Scores 70 Points Against Villanova

Little known Rob Morris had a career game yesterday in the biggest stage of his life. Facing a Final Four contender in Villanova, Morris scored 70 points playing against guys much heavily recruited than him. While it did take him 55 shots to score the 70 points, he was able to make 21 free throws in the game.

"This was a chance to show to the world that I am a good player" said Rob after the game. "I have been working very hard and this was a chance to show what I could do."

Scoring wasn't the only thing that Morris did in the game. In addition to the 70 points, he also had 24 rebounds, 8 assists and 10 steals.

NCAA Teams Claim That NIT Teams Have Easier Road to the Championship

An uproar from teams in the NCAA Tournament claim that teams in the NIT have an easier road to the championship. Rather than facing cinderella teams like Old Dominion, Murray State, and San Diego State, the teams in the NIT get to play underachieving teams like UConn and North Carolina.

The NCAA teams are also complaining that there is more pressure on them because of the constant media attention put on them compared to the NIT teams. They feel an obligation to win because some random guy in Montana picked them to go all the way to the Elite 8 in his office pool. The NCAA Teams also have to win 6 games to win the championship, instead of 5. Next year, the NCAA Teams are hoping to have a so-so season so the committee can "snub" them and they can be invited to the NIT.

Tiger Woods to Start Sleeping With Other Girls After Winning the Masters

Tiger Woods will make his highly anticipated return to sleeping with other girls after winning the Masters, ending his four-month hiatus from doing just that. The world's number 1-ranked cheater, who has not let a month go by since marrying Elin, announced that he would return better than ever.

"Augusta is where I met this awesome brunette and her twin sister" said Woods. "I am excited for that to be the place where I return to cheating."

Arkansas Pine Bluff and Winthrop to Team Up Against Duke

The Arkansas Pine Bluff and Winthrop basketball teams are pooling their talents together, as they have decided to skip the Play-in game completely. The two teams will face the Duke Blue Devils on Friday.

"Even though we might not be as talented as they are, we are hopeful that having twice as many players on the court will give us an advantage" said Co-Coach of the Winthruff basketball team, Gregg Marshall.

NCAA Considers Adding 96 Teams to NIT

With the NIT struggling to get attention, committee members are considering increasing the number of teams from 32 to 96. If there are more teams in the tournament, there will be more fans who have a rooting interest in the completely meaningless tournament.

However, some don't want the NIT to expand. "Letting teams into the NIT just for the heck of it would defeat the whole purpose of it" said a random coach from a Mid-Level team that goes to the NIT each year. "The NIT rewards teams who play well all year to make the NIT."

No Entry Today

The writer of the blog is too busy filling out his bracket based on make believe projections by Joe Lunardi. He plans on entering many pools this week based on Lunardi's random matchups, not the ones set by the NCAA Basketball Committee.

East Tennessee State on Bubble for Play-In Game

The basketball players on East Tennessee State say they're not looking at Bracketology or projections, but everyone knows they are. The Buccaneers are on the bubble for the play-in game.

"There is such a fine line between being #63 and #64" said Coach Murry Bartow. "I hope the committee looks at our strength of schedule and our great run to end the season.

East Tennessee State played their last game last week and has been sitting at home all week. However, they did the season on a high note winning their conference title. Unfortunately for them, the other 16 seeds all did as well.

Joe Nathan To Learn to Pitch With Left Arm

Joe Nathan is still in agony about having Tommy John Surgery on his right shoulder. The Twins have no other option at the closer position, so they are hoping that he can learn how to pitch with a healthy left arm.

"I still have three weeks in Spring Training to learn how to be a lefty" said Nathan while resting on his right arm. "Spring Training is normally a waste of time so I hope to spend this time usefully."

Nathan was showing off his left arm to the media yesterday during practice. His "fastball" topped out at 44 mph. Nathan is currently working on other pitches but as of now, he has only perfected his 44 mph fastball. If Nathan can't improve, the Twins will have to rely on pitchers that nobody has ever heard of to close games for them.

Nationals To Start Stephen Strasburg all 162 Games

In an effort to give them the best chance to win, the Nationals plan to start Stephen Strasburg in all 162 games this season. The phenom is the best pitcher on the team, and they hope that his arm can hold up the entire season.

"If he pitches every game, I hope he will get in a groove" said Nationals Manager Jim Riggleman. "Sometimes pitchers take a few days off in between starts and they get rusty."

The Nationals also hope that Strasburg's appearance in every game will boost attendance. Attendance figures were up for his expected starts, so they hope that the fans who bought tickets for his starts will now buy tickets for each of his starts.

Robert Morr Makes Northeast Final, Thinks 50/50 Chance of Making NCAA Tournament

"I don't care what bracketology says" said Robert Morris Coach Mike Rice. "If we win one more game, I think we have a good chance of making the field."

ESPN's bracketology currently has Quinnipiac getting the automatic bid from the Northeast Conference, with a 16 seed against Syracuse in the first round. Robert Morris is not even on the bubble according to Joe Lunardi. However with a win tonight against Quinnipiac, Robert Morris can win the meaningless conference and drastically boost its resume. With a conference tournament championship, Robert Morris expects its name to be called on Sunday.

"At this point, I think we have a 50/50 chance" said Coach Rice.

Local Little League Team Honored By Barack Obama

President Barack Obama honored the Springfield Little League 8 and Under champion Yankees on Monday at a White House event. Obama congratulated the team on its 12-3 record. He said the team's success is due to the coach only playing its best players and not the cross-eyed unathletic nerd with the nice mother.

"We didn't care about playing all of the players' said Coach Murphy. "I think the government should learn from our team and only use the politicians who are good."

The Yankees return home to Springfield today, as they embark on their lives. Each player on the team will receive a small trophy, as well as a ribbon for great work.

UConn Womens Basketball Games Voted Boringest in Country

With UConn's 70th straight double digit win yesterday against Syracuse, another UConn women's basketball game being a total borefest. The Huskies carried their usual 25+ point lead into halftime, with the game never being in doubt. Fans began leaving the game to beat traffic midway through the first half when UConn took a double digit lead.

UConn's ticket sales have decreased during the winning streak, as the games continue to be blowouts. While Huskie fans are excited by their success, each game is extremely boring because they're no contest. UConn fans are hoping that the team has a bad shooting day in an upcoming game so the game can be somewhat close coming down the stretch.

UNC's Blowout Loss to Duke To Hurt NIT Seeding

With an embarrassing 82-50 loss to Duke last night, UNC's seeding in the NIT tournament took a big hit.

"There is no doubt that we want to get as high of a seed as possible in the NIT" said Coach Roy Williams. "We want to get as many home games as possible because our arena can fit more than most, so we want to get as much money from ticket sales from it."

North Carolina will try to win as many games as possible in the ACC tournament to improve their seeding in the NIT. Until then, they will sweat it out and hope that the top NIT teams end up getting a bid into the NCAA Tournament.

Lebron Angry That His Game Last Night Will Not Be An Instant Classic

40 Points, 13 Rebounds and 6 Assists apparently isn't good enough to be an ESPN Instant Classic. ESPN announced this morning that the Cavaliers' victory over the Pistons will not make ESPN Classic in the near future.

"I am extremely disappointed that my performance wasn't good enough to be an instant classic" said Lebron while driving in his hummer that his mother bought him. "I hope that my next game against Milwaukee will meet ESPN's expectations."

Instead of showing Lebron's fantasy game, ESPN Classic will be showing old school bowling, American Gladiators and a random documentary that nobody cares about.

Nationals Start Spring Training Slowly, High Priced Players on Trading Block

Need an overpriced veteran who doesn't deserve the high salary he's getting paid? Call the Washington Nationals!

Getting outscored 25-9 in their two games yesterday, the Washington Nationals are now 0-2 and are beginning to look for teams who might want their underachieving stars. The Nationals know that the closer it gets to the trading deadline, the less value these players will have. If the Nationals trade the players now, the other teams will not only have them for the remainder of the regular season, but also for Spring Training.

Jack Nicklaus Expects Tiger to Sleep With Girls Before the Masters

Hall of Famer Jack Nicklaus has no idea on the exact date Tiger Woods will again cheat on Elin, but he expects the World's #1 cheater to cheat before the Masters. Woods has slept with hundreds of girls since he married a Swedish nanny, but hasn't slept with anyone since crashing his car back in November. Woods gave no hint as to when he would cheat again last week when he spoke to the public for the first time.

It was reported on Tuesday that Tiger has left Sex Rehab and can now sleep with girls without someone hounding over him. Many seemed to think that was a sign that Woods could be back cheating with girls sooner rather than later.

Mets Win Spring Training Opener, World Series Now Expected

The lowly Mets defeated the Braves 4-2 in yesterday's Spring Training Opener, convincing fans across the baseball industry that they are for real this season. The impressive win over a bunch of no-name Braves minor leaguers come after rave reviews that David Wright took 10 straight groundballs at 3rd base without committing an error.

"We are the team to beat" said Mets Manager Charlie Manuel. "You should have seen Jason Bay catch fly balls this morning."

The Mets continue their quest to win the World Series at their next Spring Training game against the Cardinals. With the loss, the Braves are already looking ahead to 2011.

Reasons Why USA vs Canada Got NBC Good Ratings

1. American Idol wasn't on
2. Pamela Anderson is from Canada. Therefore, all of the girls in the crowd look like Pamela Anderson
3. Fans wanted to see whatever happened to Charlie Conway and Goldberg when they grew up
4. NBC was showing a newly invented sport called Ice Hockey
5. It's so much cooler than tweeting that you're watching E!
6. If the USA would have won, people wouldn't have to worry about paying $11 to see the movie called "Miracle 2"

Penguins Only to Take Sidney Crosby Back Because He's Damn Good

Despite ruining America's chances of winning Olympic gold and causing most of Canada to jump off a cliff, the Pittsburgh Penguins have decided to welcome Sidney Crosby back to the United States because he's a damn good hockey player.

"It was a tough decision but after many hours debating the topic and watching highlight videos on Youtube, we have decided that the jackass can help us win games" said Penguins General Manager Ray Shero.

Americans are outraged that a player that plays for an American Hockey team can betray his hometown team by defeating the Americans in the gold medal game. However, Americans luckily don't follow hockey outside of the Olympics so they probably won't hear the name "Sidney Crosby" until 2014. Until then, Sportscenter will continue to ignore the NHL.