Team USA to Use Julie "The Cat" Gaffney in Shootout Situation

Fifteen years after Julie "The Cat" Gaffney stopped Iceland's dreams of winning the Junior Goodwill games, the magic of the moment is still there. If today's gold medal game against Canada should be tied after overtime, coach Ron Wilson will have no choice but to put Julie "The Cat Gaffney" in goal.

"If Julie can stop Gunnar Stahl in the most epic sporting event of all-time, then she can certainly stop a Canadian hockey player in the Olympics" said Coach Wilson. "If we can get Julie in goal with a chance to win the Gold, the Canadian fans should start leaving early to beat traffic because the game will be over."

In order for Gaffney to make an appearance, goalie Ryan Miller will have to play the game of his life to keep the United States tied with Canada. If Miller can do his job and get the United States team to a shootout situation, Miller will be the favorite to win game MVP.

305 Million Americans to Face 35 Million Canadians for Olympic Gold

The United States population will face the population of Canada tomorrow in the Olympic Hockey final. While the Canadians think of hockey 24/7, the United States is hoping that its massive population 10x more than Canada will give them the advantage.

To offset the size advantage, Canada will try to get all 305 million people on the same side of the ice and do long passes to get them out of position. However, the Americans are not intimidated. Since most Americans are overweight, the 305 million Americans will seem more like 340 or 350 million to the Canadians.

Report: 99% of Americas Have No Idea What a Triple Toe Loop Is

A recent report by USA Today says that 99% of American children have no idea what the difference is between a triple salchow and a triple toe loop. The report is especially disturbing because the United States is one of the international powerhouses in figure skating.

"This is a huge wakeup call" said a random beginner figure skater holding onto the wall at a figure skating rink. "I might not know what a triple salchow is, but at least I know it's when they jump and spin a few times in the air."

The report says that many states including Florida, Hawaii and Texas were given "horribly embarrassing" as their rating, while states like Colorado were given "Not bad in the gay community." Schools will start focusing on double axels so Americans can understand the sport of figure skating. Then they can start focusing on Curling because according to the same report, 100% of Americans have no idea what the rules are there.

Olympic Curlers Complain About People Watching Them

Olympic Curlers are used to competing in empty ice rinks. However, the Olympics are a completely different story. Many Curlers have asked Olympic officials to limit the amount of people in the arena to less than ten because that's what they're used to.

"Competing in an arena with more than just my boyfriend and parents in the stands is something brand new for me" said an Olympic Curler competing in her first Olympics. "In between shots, the sounds of people talking to each other really throws off my game...literally."

Curlers are looking forward to non-Olympic events where nobody cares about curling. Even the small two sentence summaries at the bottom of the sports section in newspapers is way too much for them to handle. If they wanted to participate in a winter sport that people somewhat cared about, they would dediced to become bobsledders or ski jumpers when they were younger.

Less Than 100 Days Until Spring Training is Over

MLB Players are counting down the days until Spring Training is Over.

"Only 98 more days until we finish with this crap" said Adam Dunn.

Spring Training involves long practices that rival skills learned in Little League, pitchers running from the pitchers mound to first base and games more meaningless than college baseball. The players are excited that there are now less than 100 days until the regular season begins where they can take long trips without their significant others. Until then, players will have plenty of time to participate in group steroid sessions.

Canada Still Claims it Can Beat the USA in Snowball Fighting

Just a day after getting embarrassed in a sport that nobody cares about in the United States, the Canadians claim that they can beat the Americans in snowball fights. Canada gets snow 11 months a year, so they can practice year-round while the Americans are fist pumping in the Summer sun.

"We would like to challenge the wimpy Americans to a huge snowball fight" said the country of Canada. "Pick the place. Pick the time. We guarantee to at least come in second place."

While it won't be easy for the Americans, they won't be lacking confidence. A huge snowstorm slammed the Mid-Atlantic states last month which gave kids a few days of practicing throwing snowballs at the paperboy on his bike. However, facing a paperboy and facing the mighty Canadians who are known for throwing good snowballs is completely different. If hockey and snowball fights don't work for Canada, they might end up challenging the United States to non-Olympic sports including snowman building, avalanche sliding, and head-to-head karaoke of Southpark songs.

What Tiger Woods' Speech Looked Like Before It Got Edited

Good morning and thank you for reading me. Many of you in this room pay me. Many of you in this room have lost to me in golf. Many of you have had sex with me. Now every one of you has good reason to be here and watch me read this speech.

I know people want to find out how I could be so selfish. I would like you to look at the girls I've slept with and hopefully you understand.

The hot Swedish Nanny and I have started the process of seeing how I could redeem myself. We have looked at Elin having affairs with other guys. We have looked into me limiting my non-marital relationships to one girl per month. We have a lot to discuss, and I will make sure to have another big speech when we make our decision.

My behavior has caused considerable worry to my business partners. To everyone involved in paying me, I would like to tell you that I plan on kicking more ass than ever when I return to the golf course.

I do plan to return to sleeping with girls one day, I just don't know when that day will be. I don't rule out that it will be this year. I don't rule out that it will be tonight. When I do return, I promise that my relationships will be kept a private matter until a few years after they occur.

Finally, there are many people in this room, and there are many people at home who had sex with me. Today I want to ask for your help. I ask you to be patient until we meet again.

Thank you.

Apolo Anton Ohno's Medals Negated Due to Short Track

Apolo Anton Ohno won his 7th Short Track medal last night, equivalent to 4 medals in the normal long-track speed skating. With the short track being only 4/7th of a long track, Ohno is excited to have won his 4th medal.

"Having won 4 medals sounds so much better than 3 and 3/7th medals" said Ohno while eating a short meatball sub. "I am so excited."

Ohno is hoping to build up endurance for the 2014 Olympics so he can race in the long track speed skating. Until then, Ohno will have to race in tracks made for kids.

NBC Announces New Show, Curling With the Stars

With the success of the hit ABC Show Dancing With the Stars and Curling, NBC has announced its new show, Curling with the Stars. Celebrities including Yao Ming, Pamela Anderson and John McCain will also team up with Olympic athletes in the ultimate curling event.

"I have never played a sport like curling that requires such athletic mobility" said John McCain. "I hope I am in good enough shape to play this rigorous sport."

NBC has been hyping the show as the most competitive sporting event since Fox's Man vs. Beast. Yao Ming is expected to have an advantage, as he is one of the few celebrities in the competition who understands the rules of curling. Pamela Anderson is hoping to use her sex appeal to win over the judge's votes.

Facebook Friday: Facebook statuses of your Favorite Athletes

Tracy McGrady became a fan of Being Traded to Lousy NBA Teams

Tiger Woods is attending Tiger Woods Speech

Allen Iverson is getting another tattoo
Every other player in the NBA likes this

Mike Tyson became a fan of Don't Tell Anyone but I actually like Mens Figure Skating

Michael Phelps Joined the group Let's See If We Can Get 10,000,000 People Who Have No Idea What the Difference Is Between a Triple Toe Loop and a Triple Sowcow

New Jersey Nets Trade Player to WNBA

The New Jersey Nets traded Josh Boone to the New York Liberty, for a player to be named later and more ping pong balls in the NBA Draft Lottery. The Nets still have hope to make the playoffs, and hope that sending one of their worst players to the WNBA sends a message.

"We would like to thank Josh Boone for his help in our 5 wins this season." said Nets GM Kiki Vandeweghe. "We wish Josh the best of look in the locker room with 11 other girls."

Boone is best suited to play in the WNBA where his limited skills but big size should overpower the women. Boone is excited to play on a better team than the Nets and the late-night Slumber parties with the girls.

Chris Kaman wins Best in Show at Dawg Show

Chris Kaman won America's top dawg show Tuesday night, beating out other athletes who look like dogs including Don Zimmer and Gheorghe Muresan. The 27 year-old Kaman was the big favorite, literally, to win Best in Show.

"He's beautiful" said Kaman's handler and Agent, Felix Johannson. "We brushed and cleaned him well before the competition. His tail was wagging the entire night."

Kaman was selected by judge, David Stern. Fans and other dogs accounted for 25% of the vote.

Texas Not Living Up to Expectations in Olympics

The Country of Texas has yet to medal in the Winter Olympics so far. Texans boasted about their great athletes, particularly in football, but have yet to show it in Vancouver.

"Every thing is bigger in Texas" said a random person from the country of the United States. "Being big doesn't make you a good figure skater, luger, or whatever the heck that sport is called where you jump as far as possible on skis."

The country of Texas is currently tied with small countries like Azerbaijan, Kyrgyzstak, and Uzbekistan in the medal count. Texas is waiting for that one moment, where one of their citizens can win gold and their National Anthem will played with their flag raised.

Confused Fans Vote Allen Iverson All-Star Game MVP

Despite playing in only a few games this year and not even playing in the All-Star game, Iverson still managed to get a considerable number of votes to be All-Star MVP.

"I have some of the best fans in the NBA" said Iverson. "I would like to thank my teammates, my Facebook fans, and the people who spent 95 cents per text to vote for me All-Star MVP."

The NBA allows fans to vote for MVP so they can get them involved. However, fans often don't know what's going on and vote based on name-recognition only.

Three Foot Midget Expected to Compete for Slam Dunk Contest Next Year

Nate Robinson, you have competition! A three foot basketball star is expected to compete for the Slam Dunk contest next year according to reports. Nate Robinson, only 5'8'', has won 3 Slam Dunk contests and uses his short height to his advantage. With the addition of a competitor even smaller than Robinson, Robinson has to do something spectacular to win it next year.

"I am actually going to have to do something besides saying that I'm five feet tall and that I can reach rim" said Robinson.

The three foot basketball star is expected to use trampolines and other props in his dunks. Even if he can just reach net, the judges are most likely going to sympathize with him with a score of 50.

Michael Phelps a Favorite to Win Gold in Ice Pond Swimming

Michael Phelps is looking to make history by becoming the first athlete ever to win eight gold medals in both the Summer and Winter Olympics. He won 8 golds in the 2008 Summer Olympics and is hoping to win eight more in the Winter Olympics here in Vancouver.

"I am really looking forward to swimming against polar bears from the North Pole" said Phelps while shivering after a morning swim. "The cold ice water should motivate me to swim faster because the sooner I finish the race, the quicker I can get out of the water."

Phelps starts his Olympic journey tomorrow in the 100m Iceberg Race, a race of 100m in water filled with icebergs. His ultimate challenge will be in the Intimidator Race where racers will have to tread water in the freezing conditions for ten minutes before starting the race.

Facebook Friday: Facebook statuses of your Favorite Athletes

Drew Brees is going to Disneyworld

Peyton Manning is looking for a 9-month job

Rick Pitino became a fan of the New Jersey Nets

NBC became a fan of the Olympics

Michael Vick joined the group Who Let the Dogs Out?

Drew Brees Joins Unemployment Line

Just two days after winning the Super Bowl, Drew Brees has joined the unemployment line.

"I've been trying to keep busy but it's tough not having a job" said Brees while visiting DisneyWorld with his family. "I think I'm going to have a job again next September but it's a seasonal gig for only four months."

Brees is a perfect example of how one can be on top of the world one day and unemployed the next. He is looking for a job until football season starts again next September. Until then, he's passing his resume hoping to get $9.00/hour.

LA Clippers Angry Not To Be The Worst NBA Team Anymore

The longtime worst team in the league are accusing of the New Jersey Nets of taking their territory. The Nets are 4-47, almost as bad as the a random elementary school basketball team in Utah that only has three players on it, are quickly becoming the worst team in the NBA. Meanwhile, the LA Clippers are angry because they've been known as the worst team for a long time and aren't ready to give up that honor.

"We have been the worst team in the NBA for years and nobody can ever take that away from us" said the LA Clippers. "See all the lottery picks on our team? That's because of all of the hard work and dedication."

The season still has a long way to go, so the Nets don't have the prize just yet. The Nets just have to take it one game at a time and keep up their recent level of play.

Saints to Have Parade Celebrating Peyton's Loss

The City of New Orleans has had its share of losing quarterbacks: Archie Manning, Jeff Blake, and Aaron Brooks. Now they will be honoring a losing quarterback on the other team. The Saints will be having a parade through town today honoring the loss by Peyton Manning.

The parade, which started in Miami, will have floats dedicated to Peyton Manning crying, getting sacked, and throwing interceptions. They will also be marching bands encouraging chants such as "Peyton's No Eli", "Peyton Sucks" and "You're Still Better than JaMarcus Russell!"

Millions of Saints fans are expected to show up at the parade to honor a quarterback that has come so far, but lost when it really matters.

New Orleans Fans At Bar Complain About Noise During Commercials

Not everyone in New Orleans was partying last night. Fans at bars in Louisiana complained about the amount of noise during the commercial breaks during the game. Many fans had gone out to the bars to watch the most anticipated part of Super Bowl night, the commercials.

"I went to the sports bar in my neighborhood so I could watch the Bud Lite commercials on the big screen HD televisions" said a Saints fan. "Unfortunately during the commercials, people started talking about the actual football game. I should have just watched them on my small tv at home."

Saints fans hope that the team doesn't make the big game next year so when they go to the bars to watch the commercials, there will be a lot less interest in the game and more interest in the 30 second spots of animals singing and cameo appearances by Tim Tebow and Charles Barkley.

10 Products You Probably Won't See in Super Bowl Commercials

Most people not from Indianapolis or New Orleans will be watching the game for the halftime show, clips of Kim Kardashian in the stands, and the television commercials. We don't want to get your hopes up so here are 10 things you probably won't see advertised for tonight during the game:

1. Concussions
2. JaMarcus Russell jerseys
3. John McCain for President
4. Super Bowl Halftime Highlights DVD with clips of Janet Jackson
5. Detroit Lions championship gear
6. Napster
7. A book called "Refereeing tips" written by Tim Donaghy
8. A $2 million commercial for the Dollar Store
9. The Late Show With Conan O'Brien
10. The 2010 Pro Bowl

Colts Hoping to Not Have AFC Hangover After Pro Bowl Win

Just a week after a huge victory in the most important Pro Bowl game ever because it wasn't played in Hawaii, the Indianapolis Colts say that the win is in the past and they're focusing exclusively on the Saints. However, they admit that it has been hard to focus after such a big victory.

"After beating the entire conference last week, playing just one team is tough to prepare for" said Peyton Manning. "I didn't even play last week and we still beat the All-Stars. Now I get to play all 4 quarters and we play against some so-so players who aren't Pro Bowlers? This is going to be a piece of cake."

Meanwhile, the Saints are hoping to learn from the NFC's mistakes last week. After a tough loss in last week's Pro Bowl, the Saints are hoping to redeem themselves and their conference in the Super Bowl

Facebook Friday, Super Bowl Edition

Peyton Manning is attending Super Bowl Parade in Indianapolis
Joseph Addai likes this

Drew Brees joined the group Peyton Manning is Overrated

Reggie Bush joined the group Who is Performing at the Superbowl Halftime Show?

Marques Colston became a fan of R.I.P. Hofstra Football

New Orleans Saints joined the group We're #2! We're #2!

Philip Rivers, Rex Ryan, and 87 other friends became a fan of Super Bowl Betting

National Signing Day: Why Recruits Choose the Schools They Do:

1. Opportunity to get paid and not get caught
2. The head coach personally visited their homes, met with their family and had the best Yo Mama jokes.
3. Some random fan Super Poked them on Facebook so they had no choice
4. A cool mascot, logo, and a large marching band!
5. Opportunity to learn from past All-Americans like Maurice Clarett
6. Cheerleading Parties!

Random Player Named 2056th Best Prospect by Baseball America

Felix Mendez has been named the 2056th by Baseball America, an honor that many experts are saying is undeserved. Message boards across the country say that the ranking is all based on potential, and Mendez hasn't done enough to proven himself. The overwhelming opinion of baseball fans is that Mendez might eventually pan out to being that good, but as of now, he doesn't belong anywhere close to the top 2100.

"Mendez had an average season last year, giving him the opportunity to play at the same level in 2010" said assistant general manager Jason Johnson. "He's a bottom of the order table setter who can advance to second when pitchers bunt him over. When he makes good contact, he can easily hit the ball out of the infield. We are very excited about the future, especially if we can trade him to get someone better in return."

Tony Romo and Wade Philips Can't Win Pro Bowls Either

By losing in the Pro Bowl, Tony Romo and Wade Philips proved that not only can they not win an important game in December, but they can't win meaningless games the day before February either. Romo went 13-18 in the game with one interception, while Philips stood on the sidelines and accumulated no stats.

"We are extremely embarrassed that we couldn't win this game against an AFC team that didn't have Peyton Manning, Tom Brady, Philip Rivers, Ben Roethlisberger, and other every other quarterback in the conference" said Romo. "I will work all offseason so I can win the Pro Bowl next year."

Romo stood with his head held up high, stating that at least this year, he won't lose a meaningless February game played in Hawaii as well.

Tim Tebow Hopes to Impress NFL Scouts Just As Much As JaMarcus Russell Did

Tim Tebow is working extremely hard to prove to NFL scouts that he will be a successful NFL Quarterback. Many scouts are questioning his arm strength and ability to play in a pro-style offense. Tebow is working with strength coaches to prove to scouts that he has just as much potential as former #1 NFL pick, JaMarcus Russell.

"I believe that I should be drafted just as high as JaMarcus Russell did before he became one of the biggest busts in NFL history" said Tebow. "I am marketable, have broken numerous records in college, and deserve the media attention and contract that being the #1 pick gets."

Tebow claims that his stats are even better than Russell's was during college. Tebow guarantees that his career will be better than Russell, although teams who actually agree with him are still hesitant to take him on day one.