Roger Federer Wins Insomnia Open

Roger Federer defeated Andy Murray in the Insomnia Open in straight sets last night. The match started at 3:30am EST. Federer has proven to be the greatest tennis player of this generation, even when matches start at strange times due to the time difference between the United States and Australia.

"Just because the match started at 3:30am on the east coast of the United States, I didn't want to use that as an excuse" said Federer as he was sipping on coffee. "24 hours a day, I want to prove I'm the best."

Federer and his fans are looking forward to tournaments played in the United States, where the tennis will start at a more normal time. Until then, ESPN will just have to compete with the Girls Gone Wild Paid Programming that the other stations are showing at that time.

NY Giants Eager to Prove Naysayers Wrong

The New York Giants say they are motivated by those who think they aren't going to win the Super Bowl this year. The NFL doesn't even have them playing this week. To make it even worse, Las Vegas doesn't even have odds for them to win the Super Bowl. The Giants started the season 4-0.

"It's not how you start the season but how you end it" said Giants coach Tom Coughlin. The Giants have posted articles in their locker room which discuss how the Giants are preparing for the off season. Coach Coughlin said he's not worried about the off season yet. "We have playoff games the next few weeks, the Super Bowl, and who can forge the important Pro Bowl in Florida this year. Then we'll worry about the off season and our extremely tough preseason next year."

According to the Playoff Pickem Challenge on ESPN.com, 0% of fans are selecting the Giants to win the Superbowl. With an us against the world attitude, the Giants are trying to figure out how to get to the Superbowl and prove the doubters wrong.

ESPN to Stop Following Tiger Woods Drama Because Golf is Not a Sport

Entertainment Sports Programming Network has agreed to stop following the Tiger Woods saga, coming to the conclusion that golf is not a sport and thus, should not be talked about on the worldwide leader in sports. Stations who follow celebrities who are not athletes such as E! will continue to follow this drama-filled story.

"We will live up to our name and follow sports-related stories only" said ESPN Booyah-Master Stuart Scott. "For that reason, we will show poker, fly fishing on Saturday mornings, and figure skating."

Despite the revelation, ESPN will continue to follow golf when athletes participate it in. If Michael Jordan golfs against Charles Barkley, ESPN will follow it. Until then, golf fans will have to turn to E! to keep updated on this developing story.

Fantasy Football Advice From a Normal Guy, Week 13

The Normal Guy is too busy trying to get Dr. Pepper to donate $123,000 to his college funds for throwing a football into a giant inflated Dr. Pepper can. Come back next week to get his normal advice. In the meantime, go to espn.com to get advice from so-called normal guys who call themselves fantasy experts.

ESPN's 24 Hour Basketball Marathon Ends After 21 Hours and 48 Minutes

ESPN's 24 Hour College Basketball marathon ended at 9:48pm as the Arkansas-Louisville game ended 12 minutes earlier than its scheduled ending of 10 o'clock, thus ending ESPN's quest to have 24 straight hours of college basketball. The station began a new 2 hour marathon to much less hoopla at 10 o'clock when Kansas played Memphis.

"We are both angry and outraged that Arkansas refused to foul Louisville to extend the game" said ESPN Director of Screaming About Duke Players, Dick Vitale. "Although they were down by 30 points, they should understand the significance of this meaningless stupid marathon that we've built up so people would actually watch college basketball in November."

ESPN showed the Monday Night Football game between the Baltimore Ravens and Cleveland Browns leading up to the marathon, giving fans the opportunity to nap before the college basketball began. The marathon started with a classic between UCLA and Cal-State Fullerton, which was followed by nine games between teams that nobody has ever heard of, and finished with the Arkansas-Louisville game. Despite the failed attempt of having 24 straight hours of basketball, ESPN is now promoting a 60 minute marathon of SportsCenter starting tomorrow at 6pm.