Tiger Woods to have Swedish Bikini Model Caddie at the Masters

Tiger Woods has announced that his caddie for the upcoming masters will be a Swedish bikini models.

"Swedish bikini models have had a great impact on my life" said Tiger. "I can't wait for more of them to be with me when I enter the next stage of my life."

Tiger has not announced which Swedish bikini model he will choose to be his caddie. However, the girl will most likely be Swedish, good looking, and probably blonde.

Tiger Woods to Start Sleeping With Other Girls After Winning the Masters

Tiger Woods will make his highly anticipated return to sleeping with other girls after winning the Masters, ending his four-month hiatus from doing just that. The world's number 1-ranked cheater, who has not let a month go by since marrying Elin, announced that he would return better than ever.

"Augusta is where I met this awesome brunette and her twin sister" said Woods. "I am excited for that to be the place where I return to cheating."

Jack Nicklaus Expects Tiger to Sleep With Girls Before the Masters

Hall of Famer Jack Nicklaus has no idea on the exact date Tiger Woods will again cheat on Elin, but he expects the World's #1 cheater to cheat before the Masters. Woods has slept with hundreds of girls since he married a Swedish nanny, but hasn't slept with anyone since crashing his car back in November. Woods gave no hint as to when he would cheat again last week when he spoke to the public for the first time.

It was reported on Tuesday that Tiger has left Sex Rehab and can now sleep with girls without someone hounding over him. Many seemed to think that was a sign that Woods could be back cheating with girls sooner rather than later.

What Tiger Woods' Speech Looked Like Before It Got Edited

Good morning and thank you for reading me. Many of you in this room pay me. Many of you in this room have lost to me in golf. Many of you have had sex with me. Now every one of you has good reason to be here and watch me read this speech.

I know people want to find out how I could be so selfish. I would like you to look at the girls I've slept with and hopefully you understand.

The hot Swedish Nanny and I have started the process of seeing how I could redeem myself. We have looked at Elin having affairs with other guys. We have looked into me limiting my non-marital relationships to one girl per month. We have a lot to discuss, and I will make sure to have another big speech when we make our decision.

My behavior has caused considerable worry to my business partners. To everyone involved in paying me, I would like to tell you that I plan on kicking more ass than ever when I return to the golf course.

I do plan to return to sleeping with girls one day, I just don't know when that day will be. I don't rule out that it will be this year. I don't rule out that it will be tonight. When I do return, I promise that my relationships will be kept a private matter until a few years after they occur.

Finally, there are many people in this room, and there are many people at home who had sex with me. Today I want to ask for your help. I ask you to be patient until we meet again.

Thank you.

Facebook Friday: Facebook statuses of your Favorite Athletes

Tracy McGrady became a fan of Being Traded to Lousy NBA Teams

Tiger Woods is attending Tiger Woods Speech

Allen Iverson is getting another tattoo
Every other player in the NBA likes this

Mike Tyson became a fan of Don't Tell Anyone but I actually like Mens Figure Skating

Michael Phelps Joined the group Let's See If We Can Get 10,000,000 People Who Have No Idea What the Difference Is Between a Triple Toe Loop and a Triple Sowcow

Tiger Woods Wishing the Sex Rehab Employees Were Hotter

According to TMZ, Tiger Woods is disappointed that the girls working at the Grove Behavioral Health and Addiction Services in Mississippi aren't horny and good-looking. Woods is paying $60,000 for the program and for that type of money, Woods expected the female employees to be performing sexual favors frequently.

Tiger only has a few weeks left in sex rehab, before he gets to return to the wildlife and feast on any girl he likes. For now, he is hoping the organization hires new female employees, or more female patients enter the rehab facility. Woods' has a "taste" for females with sex addictions, according to his dating history.

Tiger Woods Playing Tiger Woods PGA Tour Video Game to Stay in Shape

Tiger Woods has been spotted playing Tiger Woods PGA Tour 2010 on his wii, implying that he might be coming back to the tour sooner rather than later. According to stalkers with binoculars, Tiger was seen practicing his swing and shooting in the 60's on his Wii, although he did set it at the easiest level.

Even if Tiger doesn't want to be seen in public playing golf, he can enter golf tournaments on the wii and compete against the best players in the world. He has already broken many PGA Tour records, so he might want to conquer other challenges. Since the wii has only been around for a few years, records are a lot more achievable than those of the PGA Tour which has been around for decades.

Facebook Friday: News Feeds of Your Favorite Athletes

LANE KIFFIN became a fan of Trojan Condoms
Matt Leinart likes this

TOM CABLE joined the group I Have Less Job Security than Conan O'Brien

Chad Ochocinco became a fan of 75% of the Earth is covered by water, the rest is covered by Darrelle Revis

NOBODY became a fan of Sports of Sorts

ALEX RODRIGUEZ poked Kate Hudson

GILBERT ARENAS became a fan of Plaxico Burress, Michael Vick, and 184 Other Profiles

TIGER WOODS is taking an indefinite leave of absence from being alive. I'll come out of hiding eventually.

DAVID TYREE joined the Group I put Gum on My Helmet

Tiger Woods Adds New Sponsors: Viagra, Trojan Condoms, and the National Polygamist Association

Despite losing some sponsors who believe that people shouldn't cheat on their Swedish bikini model ex-babysitter wives, Tiger Woods has added new companies to sponsor him: Viagra, Trojan Condoms and the National Polygamist Association. Each company plans to use Tiger in their new marketing campaigns.

One of the risks of advertising tied to a celebrity is that their image can change overnight. However, these companies believe that Tiger has proven to the world that he is a sex addict, and will be known as one for the immediate future. Viagra plans to use Tiger in its commercials, showing that people who use Viagra will get to have sex with reality stars, cocktail waitresses, and porn stars.

Trojan Condoms are proud of their new partnership with Tiger. "We support Tiger and his healthy lifestyle." said a Trojan representative. "If there are still girls who have yet to come out, we would like you to tell the world what condom brand you used when you banged Tiger, especially if it was a Trojan."

The National Polygamy Association is also encouraging girls to come out, even if it's a complete lie. They believe that if Tiger Woods is promoting polygamy, other people will follow in his foot-steps and the membership in their organization will increase. Tiger Woods jokes are really popular on Google right now, and the association is looking to brand itself with these funny jokes.

PGA Tour to Take an Indefinite Leave of Absence

Just like Tiger did last week, the PGA Tour will be taking an indefinite leave of absence as they try to find the next superstar golfer. Here is the statement released on their web site:

"We are deeply aware of the disappointment and hurt that Tiger Woods' leave of absense has caused to so many people, including our sponsors and television networks. We assume that you have heard that he will not be playing professional golf in the immediate future. During this time when you would have never heard of any of the golfers at the top of our leaderboards, we ask that you pray that we find another young good-looking smart golfer who will be able to carry our profession for years to come, or at least until Tiger divorces from Elin and comes back.

After much soul searching and a look at how bad our ratings were last year when Tiger was injured, we have decided to take an indefinite break from having golf tournaments. We need to focus our attention on finding the next superstar of golf, so we can get better ratings than ice skating, the NHL, and tennis. Thank you for your understanding and Tiger, please come back soon. We beg of you!"

The PGA Tour did not give an indication on when they might attempt a comeback, although there is a 12 year old golf prodigy in Arizona who is impressive in his youtube videos. Cocktail waitresses and reality wannabes are already sending him their phone numbers.

Report: HS Cheerleaders Dating Golfers, Not Football Players

There's a whole new meaning to getting it in the hole. According to a report by IHadAnAffairWithTigerWoods.com, slutty high school cheerleaders are dating golfers more than the typical football jocks. Good looking golfers like Tiger Woods and Phil Mickelson overshadow fat overweight alcoholics like John Daly, and are making the golf team the talk of the cheerleading squads all across the country.

"I would like to thank Tiger Woods for making me cool" said a 105 skinny nerdy golfer from Smith High School who has a 4.0 GPA. "I am going to prom with the captain of the cheerleading squad."

Dating experts say that golfers are good catches for girls. A 69 is always good for a golfer, but they don't limit themselves and know they could do better. It might take them a few shots but they eventually get it in the hole. Plus, their balls are always clean. What more can the blonde cheerleading captain ask for?

ESPN to Stop Following Tiger Woods Drama Because Golf is Not a Sport

Entertainment Sports Programming Network has agreed to stop following the Tiger Woods saga, coming to the conclusion that golf is not a sport and thus, should not be talked about on the worldwide leader in sports. Stations who follow celebrities who are not athletes such as E! will continue to follow this drama-filled story.

"We will live up to our name and follow sports-related stories only" said ESPN Booyah-Master Stuart Scott. "For that reason, we will show poker, fly fishing on Saturday mornings, and figure skating."

Despite the revelation, ESPN will continue to follow golf when athletes participate it in. If Michael Jordan golfs against Charles Barkley, ESPN will follow it. Until then, golf fans will have to turn to E! to keep updated on this developing story.

Tiger Sorry for Transgressions: Hit with a Titleist Club, Not a Nike

Tiger "Cheeta" Woods has admitted infidelity by having a Titleist Club in his house instead of a Nike. According to police reports, the scratch marks on his face were not consistent with marks from a Nike Club. Instead, the marks are of those from a Titlest Golf Club. which wife Elin used to beat him up. A former caddie for Tiger says that he has used Titlest Clubs in the past. Rumors from unreliable sources said the caddie was paid up to $100,000 for these comments that most people would have made for $10. According to US Weekly, there are over 300 photos of Woods with Titleist golf clubs. There is also a 15 second cell phone video of him not using a Nike club.

The rumors came to light when Tiger was injured in a car wreck last week. However, reports indicated that he got into a fight with his wife and was hit in the face with a golf club. Until now, the media assumed the golf club was a Nike, a brand Tiger has been associated with ever since he became a media darling in the mid 1990's. Nike has since confronted Tiger about the rumors.

Tiger says that he is extremely embarrassed that he has Titleist Clubs in the house and that he's only human and makes dumb mistakes. According to people close to Tiger, he is humiliated to own the same golf equipment as mediocre golfers such as Mark O'Meara, Brad Faxon, and Billy Mayfair. Having Titleist clubs caused Tiger to drive into a tree, where his Nike Clubs usually drive to the fairway.

Tiger Woods Named Playah of the Year

Tiger Woods has been named by Sporting News Magazine and US Weekly as the Playah of the Year, becoming the first golfer ever to win this prestigious award. The award in years past have gone to douches including actors, basketball players, and politicians. He joins elite company such as Bill Clinton, Kobe Bryant, and Eliot Spitzer. Woods will add this Playah of the Year trophy to his Player of the Year trophies from the PGA Tour.

Woods had a strong year when it came to being a playah. He was married to blonde bombshell Elin Nordegren. Apparently, that wasn't enough for the guy nicknamed Tiger. He had an extended affair with Jaimee Grubbs who he met in Las Vegas. To top it off and break away from the competition, Rachel Uchitel also accused him of having an affair. What a playah!