Report: 99% of Americas Have No Idea What a Triple Toe Loop Is

A recent report by USA Today says that 99% of American children have no idea what the difference is between a triple salchow and a triple toe loop. The report is especially disturbing because the United States is one of the international powerhouses in figure skating.

"This is a huge wakeup call" said a random beginner figure skater holding onto the wall at a figure skating rink. "I might not know what a triple salchow is, but at least I know it's when they jump and spin a few times in the air."

The report says that many states including Florida, Hawaii and Texas were given "horribly embarrassing" as their rating, while states like Colorado were given "Not bad in the gay community." Schools will start focusing on double axels so Americans can understand the sport of figure skating. Then they can start focusing on Curling because according to the same report, 100% of Americans have no idea what the rules are there.