Kurt Warner Beats Favre in Race to Retire First

Kurt Warner has defeated Brett Favre in a race to retire first. Warner is doing everything he can do to improve his resume to make the Hall of Fame, and announcing his retirement before Favre shows to voters that he can make decisions quickly.

"I would like to retire today before Brett Favre retires" said Warner in his press conference. "I am hoping the media focuses on my accomplishments before the Super Bowl and before Favre retires. Those two events will overshadow my incredible underrated achievements."

This is Warner's first official retirement from the NFL, however he did take an indefinite leave of absence early in his career when he was released by the Green Bay Packers. With only one official retirement, Warner is hoping that stat convinces Hall of Fame voters that he is a Hall of Famer. For now, Warner has to wait five years as he makes appearances boosting his accomplishments.

Favre Irked About Being Taken Out on Defense

Brett Favre didn't want to come out of yesterday's game in overtime when the Bears got the ball first. With Favre not playing defense, the Vikings allowed 36 points to a Jay Cutler lead offense, including a touchdown pass to unknown Devin Aromashodu. Video that was probably photo-shopped from a camera phone was posted on Youtube showing Favre putting head coach Brad Childress into a head lock when Childress wouldn't let him into the game. He let the media know of his displeasure after the game.

"I'm a hall of fame quarterback who has played in 582,559 games in a row" said Favre in his press conference. "Our defense allowed 36 points. Who cares if we've already clinched a playoff spot? I wanted to be out on the field for every play including special teams so we could win the game."

As an extra incentive for Favre, he knew that this would be an excellent opportunity to break one of the few records he doesn't have: most interceptions by a defender. Favre is only 81 interceptions behind Paul Krause and facing a guy like Cutler, Favre knew he could really make a push for the record before facing Eli Manning in the regular season finale next week.

Fantasy Football Advice From a Normal Guy, Playoff Edition (Week 16)

Start:

Jay Cutler---Despite clinching 3rd place in the NFC North, the Bears plan on still starting their starters. Go ahead and use Cutler if he's your top quarterback.

Brett Favre---Favre came back to the Vikings to win a championship. Since this is the championship week in most fantasy leagues, he'll be motivated to go out on top.

Sit:

Jets Defense---If the Colts are really thinking of sitting Manning in favor of this Curtis Painter guy, he must be really good.

Terrell Owens---You know how the Bills always lose in the Superbowl. It's no different in the Fantasy Football Superbowl. Sit Terrell, unless you want to come in second.

Pray:

It's the Championship Week. Congratulations on making it this far! Pray that your players catch balls with their heads, your opponent has a Leon Lett moment, and that Janet Jackson's right boob doesn't pop out during halftime of Superbowl Sunday in between the 1pm and 4pm games.

Things that Athletes Are Asking Santa Claus For

Kevin Youkilis: Nothing. He's Jewish.
Tim Donaghy: An application to become an MLB Umpire
Doug Mientkiewicz and Mike Krzyzewski: A new name so people can spell it correctly
Charlie Weis: A Bic Mac from McDonalds
Washington Redskins: A New Team
Usain Bolt: 3 new friends so Jamaica can have another bobsled team
Saint Louis Rams: A Detroit Lions win so they can get the #1 pick in the NFL Draft
New York Yankees: A World Series Ring. They haven't won one in two months
The Big 10 Conference: Football
Brett Favre: Someone to write his next retirement speech so he has something new to say this time around
Derek Jeter: Kate Hudson