Boy Wins Spelling Bee on the Word "Novak Djokovic"

In an epic match that came down to the final volley, a random boy with no friends beat another random boy with even less friends on the word "Novak Djokovic."

The winner, Peter Langton, said after the match that spelling Serbian tennis players names isn't even his favorite thing to do. "I really like spelling the names of those Dominican baseball players that nobody has ever heard of."

Socially awkward Langton qualified for the National Spelling Bee after winning his state title on the word "Doug Mientkiewicz"

ARod: Carlos Beltran Has Hottest Wife in Baseball

According to New York Yankee third baseman A-Hole Rodriguez, the best looking wife in baseball doesn’t play in the Bronx, Boston, Philadelphia, Toronto or St. Louis.

She’s married to a player in Queens

“They have the world’s best looking wife married to that overpaid often-injured outfielder” Rodriguez said, referring to the wife of Carlos Beltran.

“I’m a huge fan of all baseball wives and anytime you see a woman like that, it’s very exciting” Rodriguez said Friday afternoon before the Yankees took on the Mets at Citi Field. “If I wasn’t banging random girls in the Bronx, I’d definitely be in Queens hitting that.”

NHL and MLB Left Out of the LockOut Club

Now that the NBA and NFL are in a lockout, the peer pressure is building for the NFL and MLB to lock out their players as well.

"It looks like so much fun" said MLB Commissioner, Bud Selig.

The NHL is asking the NFL for the secret password to join the Lockout Club. However, the NFL is refusing to budge, after recently allowing the NBA to join the exclusive club as well.

Charlie Sheen Admits Taking Steroid Use for "Major League", Teams Now Interested

No longer on the set of Two and a Half Men, Charlie Sheen might have a new job!

Just a day after admitting that he took steroid use while filming "Major League" back in the 1990s, teams are rushing to sign Charlie Sheen now that they know he has a competitive advantage over the few players in the big leagues who have never taken 'roids. Baseball is a game about inches and when you have the muscles that steroids can build, those inches can turn pop flies into home runs.

Teams that are lacking offense are the ones bidding the highest for Sheen's services. Even though Sheen played a pitcher in his movie days, he has proven that he has the ability to score a lot with the ladies so teams are hoping that translates into scoring a lot of runs for them.

The exact amount of money needed to sign Sheen is uncertain at this time, although the more steroids that Sheen admits taking, the higher the dollar figure will rise. When asked about offers that Sheen has already received, Sheen's agent said the money is on the low side and a jussssst a bit outside.

NFL locked out for 108th Day; Players Trying to Find Keys

NFL Officials have officially locked out the players for the 108th straight days, refusing to give players like Tom Brady and Logan Mankins keys to the office. The players are ready to get back on the football field and are looking for a locksmith to let them in. Negotiations will continue today but there is no end in sight.

"I have been optimistic this whole time and am hopeful that we can work it out with the owners" said Lions Quarterback Matthew Stafford. "I can't wait until we can go out there, lose some more games, and for me to get injured on the 3rd snap of the season."

There is a uniform opinion (pun intended) from players that they will indeed find a locksmith who will let them inside and for there to be a season. That's what the fans want and so do the players, well at least most of them.

Players from the Green Bay Packers are hiding the keys and hoping the 2012 doesn't occur. The longer the players are locked out, the longer the Green Bay Packers can selfishly say they're champions.

Survey: Womens Soccer overcomes Mens Soccer as the Most Boring Sport Ever

Despite being popular in countries where people have weird non-American names like Bismack Biyombo and Manu Ginobli, soccer continues to lag behind terrible sports like Squash, dessert volleyball, and ice swimming.

In a recent poll by Sports Illustrated, womens soccer was voted by soccer-hating Americans as the most boring sport in the world. Coming off a World Cup tournament two years in South Africa, mens soccer has zoomed and kicked its way all the way to second to last, one spot higher than the last time these soccer-hating men and women were polled.

With the womens World Cup currently taking place in Germany, womens soccer is hoping it can overcome mens soccer as the second most hated sport in the world. In the meantime, the women are hoping to first score a goal since that doesn't happen to often in their sport.

Chad Ochocinco Changes Name to Ron Artest

Just days after Ron Artest changed his name to Metta World Peace, Chad Ochocinco has decided to change his name to Ron Artest.

“To have the honor of carrying on the great reputation of an athlete that carries the name of Ron Arest is a privilege” said Chad. “It is an honor and something I don’t like lightly." Metta World Peace had no comment on the person who has taken over his previous name.

In unrelated news, LeBron James is rumored to be considering changing his name to Michael Jordan since the name “LeBron James” is one of the most hated in the game today.

Kyrie Irving to Host “The Decision, Part Two”

Cleveland fans, it’s happening again!

According to unconfirmed sources from anonymous tweets from random 14 year old basketball fans, Kyrie Irving plans to announce several important items during a one-hour special o ESPN Tuesday night.

Among the decisions Kyrie is expected to announce is his jersey number, locker location, and the team he’ll sign with in a few years when his contract expires and he finally gets the luxury of leaving the last place Cavaliers.

Irving’s represented have been selling sponsorship for the one-hour decision making special, with the proceeds benefiting the newly formed Irving Foundation: Kyrie’s parent’s retirement fund, new cars for the Irving family, and food for Kyrie refrigerator. If sales go well, Kyrie even plans to buy a pool table and a hot tub with the money.

The most anticipated decision of the night is the jersey number that Kyrie will choose. He has spoken to six different numbers: 4, 29, 36, 45, 58, 67. Each of them have been able to speak to Kyrie about why they should be picked. Kyrie plans on informing the number he chooses of his decision before the airing of the show, but the other five are likely to find out with the rest of the public.

Charlotte Bobcats Trade the Ability to Score for Some Tools

In one of the strangest trades in draft day history, the Charlotte Bobcats traded Stephen Jackson for the #7 pick, Bismack Biyombo, a guy with a bunch of tools.

"Stephen Jackson has proven that he can score a ton with the ladies but without tools, we can't win games" said Bobcats Majority Owner, Michael Jordan. "We are super excited to receive all of these tools that Biyombo will bring with him from Congo. I don't think many NBA Players will see the types of tools he will bring with him in his suitcase."

The Bobcats hope that Biyombo's special African tools will give their basketball hoop a level rim.

Bobcat fans weren't as impressed with the draft pick, especially women. Tina Smith, a loyal Stephen Jackson fan, said that she would rather hook up with a guy like Jackson who has proven he can score, rather than a tool from Congo.

Five UK Players To Skip Class, Go Straight to Academic Probation

John Wall and DeMarcus Cousins promised their coach when they signed with Kentucky that they would put all they can into the basketball program. Now the two freshmen phenoms, along with 3 teammates are among five Kentucky players named to Academic Probation. Wall and Cousins are expected to be one of the first few players drafted, and haven't been to class since November.

The five players have promised Coach Calipari that they won't be on academic probation for long, most likely because they are all going to the NBA Draft early.

Yankees Fire Joe Girardi After Slow Start to the Year

Yankees fired manager Joe Girardi this morning, blaming his horrific start of the season that resulted in them having the worst record in the league heading into today's play.

"We haven't won a game all year" said Yankee GM Brian Cashman. "I am hoping that our new manager can improve over the remaining 161 games of the year."

The Yankees offense played well under Girardi, having won a World Series last year and averaging 7 runs per game. However, the pitching staff had a 9.00 era and were giving up an average of one run per inning. It was not known who would replace Girardi, however there are rumors that the Yankees will overpay like they normally do.

Happy Opening Day...kinda

In honor of Yankee fans stressing out after probably losing tonight's opener, here are some funny Yankee videos from across the web:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CZlIUHX2BbA

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TYJJ-4C1xw8&feature=related

New Episode of ESPNews Tonight!

After months of anticipation, a new live episode of ESPNews will be aired tonight. The episode will be scripted, although there are rumors that the dialogue won't officially be set until closer to airtime.

"Tonight's 8pm episode of ESPNews is going to be a must-watch" said ESPN.com. "We will be showing highlights of the day, a preview of tomorrow's action, and Dick Vitale screaming about how good Duke is."

The show is expected to be tivo'ed by millions of sports fans across the country.

NCAA Considering Adding Two Teams to the Final Four

Due to increased pressure and money concerns, the NCAA is considering add two more teams to the Final Four. The additional teams will create more money for CBS, as more games will be needed to be played.

If the Final Four had six teams in it this year, lousy teams like Tennessee and Baylor would have had a chance to make it.

"I think having six teams in the Final Four takes away from the elitism of the Final Four" said Michigan State Tom Izzo. "The Final Four needs to stay with only four teams to keep it on the superior level."

Happy April Fools Day

The Washington Nationals will win the World Series

Tim Tebow will break all of Brett Favre's quarterback records

The Detroit Lions will win more than three games this year

Brett Favre will make a decision regarding his retirement soon

Barry Bonds never took steroids

Denard Span Fouls Ball Off of Mark Buehrle's Mother

After striking out twice against Mark Buehrle, Denard Span fouled a ball in his third at-bat and hit Mark Buehrle's mother right in the face. Mrs. Buehrle, wearing her son's jersey, was shaken but ok.

"Buehrle was throwing these nasty pitches so I had to do something to take him off his game" said Span.

After fouling the ball off of Buehrle's mother, Span was walked on four straight pitches. None of the pitches were anywhere close to the strike zone.

Saint John's to Hire Saint John to be New Basketball Coach

The Saint John's University basketball team has decided to hire St. John as their new basketball coach. Terms of the agreement were not disclosed.

"Saint John brings the skill set and personality that we feel gives us a chance to compete at the highest level in the Big East" said St. John's Athletic Director Chris Monasch. "He has the resume and experience that we were looking for."

Vincent de Paul, also known as St. John, was a Catholic priest who was born in 1581. He has dedicated his life to serving the poor. St. John hopes that his team continues his community service and become more than just lousy Big East basketball players. If Saint John can't win basketball games at his own university, many New Yorkers feel like the program will be a lost cause.

Autistic Boy Chooses Duke to the Final Four Perfectly

He predicted Duke to beat Arkansas Arkansas Pine Bluff. He correctly selected Duke over Louisville (Duke actually beat Louisville but at least he got the winner right.) He selected Duke to advance to the Elite 8 and then selected them to beat Villanova (they beat Baylor instead.) Now Joseph Alexander, an Autistic teenager from Indianapolis is celebrating his correct selection of picking #1 Duke to the final four.

"I'm really good at math" said Joseph. "Since Duke was the #1 seed in their bracket, I decided to take them in every game leading to the final four."

Unfortunately for Joseph, the rest of his bracket isn't doing as well. He decided to use the same math to pick the other #1 seeds incorrectly to the final four.

UConn Women's Basketball Team Plays Ball Like a Girl

"You Play Ball Like a Girl!" That's what opponents of UConn's women's basketball team is saying against them. The team has not lost in about 3723 games and other teams are using intimidation as a desperate attempt to scare them.

UConn doesn't seem offended by the comment, as many enemies have said the same thing to the players ever since they were young. However, when the Huskies defeat their opponents by 40-50 points, the opposing team often says that they play like men in their postgame press conferences.

Kansas State to Play its Butler Today in Elite Eight

In a game that will decide who gets to go to the Final Four, Kansas state will face its Butler tonight in the Elite Eight. The Wildcats have won four games and are only one game away from reaching the Final Four.

"Our butler is a good friend of ours but once we hit the court, we will want to win the game just like if we were playing an enemy" said Kansas State coach Frank Martin.

"We have nothing but the upmost respect for our masters, Kansas State" said Butler coach Brad Stevens. "However, this is our chance to show that even a butler can have its one shining moment."