What Tiger Woods' Speech Looked Like Before It Got Edited

Good morning and thank you for reading me. Many of you in this room pay me. Many of you in this room have lost to me in golf. Many of you have had sex with me. Now every one of you has good reason to be here and watch me read this speech.

I know people want to find out how I could be so selfish. I would like you to look at the girls I've slept with and hopefully you understand.

The hot Swedish Nanny and I have started the process of seeing how I could redeem myself. We have looked at Elin having affairs with other guys. We have looked into me limiting my non-marital relationships to one girl per month. We have a lot to discuss, and I will make sure to have another big speech when we make our decision.

My behavior has caused considerable worry to my business partners. To everyone involved in paying me, I would like to tell you that I plan on kicking more ass than ever when I return to the golf course.

I do plan to return to sleeping with girls one day, I just don't know when that day will be. I don't rule out that it will be this year. I don't rule out that it will be tonight. When I do return, I promise that my relationships will be kept a private matter until a few years after they occur.

Finally, there are many people in this room, and there are many people at home who had sex with me. Today I want to ask for your help. I ask you to be patient until we meet again.

Thank you.

Tiger Woods Adds New Sponsors: Viagra, Trojan Condoms, and the National Polygamist Association

Despite losing some sponsors who believe that people shouldn't cheat on their Swedish bikini model ex-babysitter wives, Tiger Woods has added new companies to sponsor him: Viagra, Trojan Condoms and the National Polygamist Association. Each company plans to use Tiger in their new marketing campaigns.

One of the risks of advertising tied to a celebrity is that their image can change overnight. However, these companies believe that Tiger has proven to the world that he is a sex addict, and will be known as one for the immediate future. Viagra plans to use Tiger in its commercials, showing that people who use Viagra will get to have sex with reality stars, cocktail waitresses, and porn stars.

Trojan Condoms are proud of their new partnership with Tiger. "We support Tiger and his healthy lifestyle." said a Trojan representative. "If there are still girls who have yet to come out, we would like you to tell the world what condom brand you used when you banged Tiger, especially if it was a Trojan."

The National Polygamy Association is also encouraging girls to come out, even if it's a complete lie. They believe that if Tiger Woods is promoting polygamy, other people will follow in his foot-steps and the membership in their organization will increase. Tiger Woods jokes are really popular on Google right now, and the association is looking to brand itself with these funny jokes.

PGA Tour to Take an Indefinite Leave of Absence

Just like Tiger did last week, the PGA Tour will be taking an indefinite leave of absence as they try to find the next superstar golfer. Here is the statement released on their web site:

"We are deeply aware of the disappointment and hurt that Tiger Woods' leave of absense has caused to so many people, including our sponsors and television networks. We assume that you have heard that he will not be playing professional golf in the immediate future. During this time when you would have never heard of any of the golfers at the top of our leaderboards, we ask that you pray that we find another young good-looking smart golfer who will be able to carry our profession for years to come, or at least until Tiger divorces from Elin and comes back.

After much soul searching and a look at how bad our ratings were last year when Tiger was injured, we have decided to take an indefinite break from having golf tournaments. We need to focus our attention on finding the next superstar of golf, so we can get better ratings than ice skating, the NHL, and tennis. Thank you for your understanding and Tiger, please come back soon. We beg of you!"

The PGA Tour did not give an indication on when they might attempt a comeback, although there is a 12 year old golf prodigy in Arizona who is impressive in his youtube videos. Cocktail waitresses and reality wannabes are already sending him their phone numbers.

Report: HS Cheerleaders Dating Golfers, Not Football Players

There's a whole new meaning to getting it in the hole. According to a report by IHadAnAffairWithTigerWoods.com, slutty high school cheerleaders are dating golfers more than the typical football jocks. Good looking golfers like Tiger Woods and Phil Mickelson overshadow fat overweight alcoholics like John Daly, and are making the golf team the talk of the cheerleading squads all across the country.

"I would like to thank Tiger Woods for making me cool" said a 105 skinny nerdy golfer from Smith High School who has a 4.0 GPA. "I am going to prom with the captain of the cheerleading squad."

Dating experts say that golfers are good catches for girls. A 69 is always good for a golfer, but they don't limit themselves and know they could do better. It might take them a few shots but they eventually get it in the hole. Plus, their balls are always clean. What more can the blonde cheerleading captain ask for?

Tiger Sorry for Transgressions: Hit with a Titleist Club, Not a Nike

Tiger "Cheeta" Woods has admitted infidelity by having a Titleist Club in his house instead of a Nike. According to police reports, the scratch marks on his face were not consistent with marks from a Nike Club. Instead, the marks are of those from a Titlest Golf Club. which wife Elin used to beat him up. A former caddie for Tiger says that he has used Titlest Clubs in the past. Rumors from unreliable sources said the caddie was paid up to $100,000 for these comments that most people would have made for $10. According to US Weekly, there are over 300 photos of Woods with Titleist golf clubs. There is also a 15 second cell phone video of him not using a Nike club.

The rumors came to light when Tiger was injured in a car wreck last week. However, reports indicated that he got into a fight with his wife and was hit in the face with a golf club. Until now, the media assumed the golf club was a Nike, a brand Tiger has been associated with ever since he became a media darling in the mid 1990's. Nike has since confronted Tiger about the rumors.

Tiger says that he is extremely embarrassed that he has Titleist Clubs in the house and that he's only human and makes dumb mistakes. According to people close to Tiger, he is humiliated to own the same golf equipment as mediocre golfers such as Mark O'Meara, Brad Faxon, and Billy Mayfair. Having Titleist clubs caused Tiger to drive into a tree, where his Nike Clubs usually drive to the fairway.

Tiger Woods Named Playah of the Year

Tiger Woods has been named by Sporting News Magazine and US Weekly as the Playah of the Year, becoming the first golfer ever to win this prestigious award. The award in years past have gone to douches including actors, basketball players, and politicians. He joins elite company such as Bill Clinton, Kobe Bryant, and Eliot Spitzer. Woods will add this Playah of the Year trophy to his Player of the Year trophies from the PGA Tour.

Woods had a strong year when it came to being a playah. He was married to blonde bombshell Elin Nordegren. Apparently, that wasn't enough for the guy nicknamed Tiger. He had an extended affair with Jaimee Grubbs who he met in Las Vegas. To top it off and break away from the competition, Rachel Uchitel also accused him of having an affair. What a playah!