Mark Teixeira Wins Most Valuable First Baseman of the World Series by Sucking Less Than Ryan Howard

Most of us have been more productive in our sleep, but Mark Teixeira has been named the Most Valuable First Baseman of the World Series, defeating Ryan Howard and pretty much nobody else because Howard was the only other player to play first base in the series. Teixeira went an unimpressive 3-23 with 8 strikeouts while Howard was 4-23 with 13 strikeouts. However, Teixeira was on a team that had more overpaid millionaires, celebrity girlfriends and past steroid users and thus, his team won and got some extra brownie points compared to Howard.

"This is a great feeling, I feel like I've earned my ridiculous salary" said Teixeira. "You work your entire life for these games and even though I was rather pathetic, it's still cool to get this nice looking trophy for doing absolutely nothing. This is proof that effort is more important than talent."

While Teixeira is obviously excited about getting a world championship ring, it was easy to tell that he was more proud of the trophy he barely earned. Even the receptionist with the Yankees gets a World Series ring, but Teixeira actually had to do something to get the Most Valuable First Baseman Trophy. Teixeira will have a parade for him on Friday where millions of New Yorkers will celebrate his accomplishment along the Canyon of Heroes. In addition, his Yankee teammates and the World Series trophy will be making a cameo appearance at the parade.

Teixeira can now proudly say he had a better World Series than Ryan Howard in 2009 and Bill Buckner in 1986...and nobody can ever take that away from him. He'll be going to DisneyWorld to celebrate, but that's only because he can afford it with his $180 million salary.