NY Giants Sign Mariano Rivera to Protect Late Game Leads

Just days after the New York Giants blew a 6 point lead in the last minute to the San Diego Chargers, anonymous Giants interns have leaked information that they have signed Mariano Rivera to a 3 month, $63,000/hour contract. The Giants are confident that if Rivera enters the game with a lead, they will win the game. The Giants have blown numerous late fourth quarter leads this year and hope the signing of Rivera will essentially make it a 55 minute game for them.

"All we have to do is have the lead after 55 minutes and then we'll just give the ball to Rivera" said Giants Coach Tom Coughlin, while coughing. Rivera's cutter is expected to throw defenses off and prevent defenses from returning interceptions. Unless it's Troy Polamalu, defensive ends and safeties will have a hard time catching the ball due to the late movement of the ball. Meanwhile, NFL rules don't prohibit defenders from wearing gloves so Rivera will be manning the deep ball with his baseball glove when the other team is desperately throwing a hail mary even though they're down by three touchdowns and there's no time left on the clock.. Rivera plans on knocking all the balls down and keeping everything in front of him.

The Giants started the season 5-0 but have choked away their last four games. They have a bye week in Week 10 which will give Rivera time to learn the signs from the staff. In practice, Rivera has been seen practicing the victory formation where the center snaps the ball to him and he takes a knee.

The Giants also excited about not worrying about the media throwing (pun intended) Rivera off his game. Rivera has had the unfortunate luck of dealing with the New York media for the past 15 years. Rivera is excited to be playing in front of Eli's hot wife and other player's spouses, as Kate Hudson and whoever Jeter's Flavor of the Week gets old after a while. Once and for all, Rivera will get to judge for himself if chicks really dig the long ball, or if they'd rather date a 280 pound tattooed freak who claims he's good at sex because he's a tight end.